In case you’re wondering, my blog is the shit

I was just perusing a fairly professional-looking sports blog written by (let's see) my wife's coworker's husband, who coincidentally is also my ex-conjoined sister (I find the wife's-coworker's-husband story easier to explain). The blog's OK, not good enough to name here, very Sports Guy rip-off-ish (territory I've admittedly come close to at times). And since the Sports Guy seems to have had his recent articles composed by those people who post on IMDB message boards (save for the Manny diatribe, which I think is strong and coherent if you discount a couple of (natch) forced A Few Good Men and The Usual Suspects references, and for the fact that he never called Boras out either, which really deflates his whole argument, which really devalues the article, which is now an oozing pile of turd-flavored pixels) I don't think this is much of a compliment anymore.

Anyway, sis is a Sox fan who either gets paid to write the thing or has crazy amounts of free time. He wrote about the first win against the Angels the other night, at one point posting the Sox lineup and noting that it contained "no easy outs." Meanwhile, The Adulterer Jason Varitek is in the ninth spot where he belongs, swinging at every first pitch in the world and being reduced to sacrifice bunts—I hate bunting because making outs is the one thing batters are supposed to avoid, but I suppose it's better than the inevitable double plays. Still, the scumbag is such an easy out he's actually making outs on purpose. So this blogger's judgment on easy versus difficult outs is, at best, lame-brained. (And in case you think I'm being overly critical based on one written opinion, a few weeks ago he posted multiple times about replacements for Tom Brady, and one of them was entitled "Bring in Daunte Culpepper. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BRING IN DAUNTE CULPEPPER!!" Emphasis his. Nitwit.)

Meanwhile, Manny is the most talented consistent offensive player the Sox have had since notorious asshole Ted Williams, and he gets run out of town for another white guy. New England's baseball priorities are misplaced since getting that 1918 shit off our backs. Before October 2004 everyone would have overlooked Manny's occasional ho-humness and pointed to his outrageous offensive output. That's what every true Sox fan did—the only ones complaining about lack of hustle and grit and gamer-ness were the casual fans who couldn't spell Youkilis (or Belichick, for that matter) and the exact same media types whom the Sports Guy properly (though not often enough by name) calls out in the article—"exact same" because they will never leave us alone until they are destroyed, and even when they do leave an outlet they just jump from one sinking ship (the Herald) to another (the Globe) like notable fucktard Tony Massarotti. ("Mazz." Really! Can we stop applying sporty-sounding nicknames to sportswriters? And can they stop calling each other by their last names like they're sporty teammates? Also, that link is purposely and hilariously transposed.)

As a baseball-related aside, I noticed baseball-reference.com changed the address for Youkilis's stats page from www.baseball-reference.com/y/youkike01.shtml to …youklke01.shtml, even though it defies the site's standard first-five-letters-of-last-name-followed-by-first-two-letters-of-first-name convention. Would they have made that change if he weren't Jewish? The pure version still works, for all you anti-Semites.

I have no words

Straight couture, homey

How to top last year's NFL preview?

1. Actually write it before the season starts.
2. Elaborate beyond a single sentence per team.
3. Relate a team's eventual success or failure to its uniform design.

I know, right? Time to put that graphic design degree to work! This should be very exciting. Speaking of school, I am one hundred percent pumped for football to start because this will be the first full football season in three years where I won't need to put games on the back burner in favor of homework. No more "OK, after this drive I'm totally getting started on the typography assignment," followed by hours of whimpering. Because you know what I'm going to do after every 1:00 Pats game this year? I'm going to watch the 4:00 game, bitches. Anyway, division by division this year.

Buffalo Bills
Let's start with one of the great wasted opportunities in professional sports. It's time for this to stop: go back to the old uniforms! Whenever a team participates in a throwback game, and that team's entire fanbase goes apeshit with the "Why don't they wear those every week??" talk for a month afterward, it's time to make the switch. Nobody in the league has that shade of blue (whereas everyone has navy). You can even modify the charging buffalo logo, which I prefer to the old one that's just standing there. You're almost there, you just need to change most everything: 4.8

Miami Dolphins
The one team where the home town necessitates the color palette—welcome to Miami! And hey, I was just there! I saw some dude on South Beach wearing a shear netting sack type of thing, along with a Catwoman mask and a well placed belt with dollar bills sticking out. And this was at 3:00 in the afternoon. That outfit earns a 10.0 from me if the Dolphins change their names to the Weirdo Cock Whores, but that's not happening this season (because they've already printed the media guides, you know). So I guess we're dealing with the current design. I must say, as cutesy and that little helmeted dolphin is, Miami is the only city that can get away with it. Great colors, great tradition (no needless revamps like too many teams are doing) and the wise choice to let the color white carry most of the load. I'm as surprised as you are: 8.1

New England Patriots
As with Buffalo, what in the worldwide fuck? The new uniforms are passable, and have grown on me over the years (though there have been numerous tweaks). And we can't ignore the fact that they've won three Super Bowls while wearing them. But still… those old Pat Patriot reds are killers. George is getting upset: 6.0

New York Jets
Now here's the inverse to the style quagmires that have sucked up the Bills and the Pats. Reverting to the Namath-era look was the best thing this team has done since the actual Namath era. It didn't take a lot of work and they had the foundation in place: great shade of green and keep it clean. Don't be so mean: 8.9

(Aside: I like how I'm only through one division, and it's my home division, and the analyses are already demonstrably shorter. At this rate my review for the Seahawks will read "Turd.")

Baltimore Ravens
There's nowhere to begin but with purple. You know what I never once muttered to myself in twenty years as a football fan? "Boy, this league sure could use another purple team." I know the organization was kind of put on the spot when they weren't allowed to keep the Browns name (and hey, it's their own fault so fuck them) and Ravens is actually a clever name for the city, but purple? If this wasn't the great opportunity for a pure black and white uniform, then nothing ever will be until the Columbus Crosswords come into existence. I will say the raven/B logo is pretty good, and that shield/crest thingy is interesting in a soccer-y way that I would totally appreciate if I cared at all about soccer. Still, the whole lot is much too close to the Vikings to earn the team any props. Purple and white might have worked, but purple and black with some gold trim does not. Quoth me: 6.4

Cincinnati Bengals
I inexplicably rooted for the Bengals in Super Bowl XXIII, which is funny because I totally appreciate Joe Montana much more now than I ever did while he was still playing (also inexplicable, because the "go upstairs and masturbate" SNL sketch alone should have sold me). I'm now convinced I wanted them to win because they had awesome uniforms. Now, like everyone else, they tinkered with them until they could say "Yup, we've made them worse, well done everybody." Luckily they didn't touch the helmets, which might be the best in the league. But this is a great example of how the NFL is making the world a worse place with pants. Plain stripes down the side don't do it anymore. No, let's occupy that space with some extension of what's on the helmet, maybe that way people can learn to hate a helmet they once loved because they're associating it with horrible pants. But it's a damn good helmet: 5.0

Cleveland Browns
Nice and simple. I love the brown (natch) home jerseys especially. Here's hoping any expansion teams or redesigns keep their eyes here and in Chicago to see how a basic design can be a strength. Even the dog masks some of the superfans wear are pretty cool, in an I'm-so-preoccupied-with-the-Browns-I-don't-even-notice-my-wife-is-sleeping-around kind of way. Everyone's happy: 8.5

Pittsburgh Steelers
Absolutely classic, even if they did run out of money before they could apply the steel logo to the other side of the helmet. Don't know what's going on with the slim oblique numbers, they look a little soft against the bold black and gold. Still, almost as good as they come: 9.1

Houston Texans
Shit but these unis are the bomb. The oil rig logo is a little staid, but I love the powder blue! Oh snap, that's the old team. Seriously, it's nice to see a straightforward design come through on a new team. The logo is a bit over-logical but anything would appear that way so soon after tiger pants up there. Make the alternate red jerseys the full-time attire and you might win more than eight games for once: 5.9

Indianapolis Colts
Hard to praise this team after what happened last season but these are beautiful. It's like the blue of a thousand skies. I don't understand why shoulder/arm stripes never seem to go all the way around, but I'm not a seamstress so probably I just don't understand how difficult a pattern that is: 9.5

Jacksonville Jaguars
Teal baby! How about that late eighties/early nineties teal explosion? The helmet jag-you-wahr is alright, minus the teal nonsense: 4.0

Tennessee Titans
Here's an example of a helmet logo absolutely signifying the team name. Cute little cosmic flames, enchanting stars, a T that kind of looks like a pixie… there is no better way to represent the Tennessee Tinkerbells. What? They're called the Titans? My bad. Lucky for them the rest of the uniform (unique and effective colors, sort of a college look) isn't too bad. Can't understand why this team wasn't called the Nashville Kings though, that would have been incredible: 4.7

Denver Broncos
The helmet (except for the pointy median line, what's up with that?) is markedly better than the old Big D, but I gotta say I miss the overwhelming orange of the old jerseys. Everyone's wearing blue fucking jerseys now: 3.2

Kansas City Chiefs
OK, by this point I'm no longer surprised that I like all of the old-school teams' uniforms, so long as they haven't changed much or at all. Kudos to my lack of living in the now! And kudos to the Chiefs for embracing the color red. I wish the Pats had the same respect: 8.2

Oakland Raiders
Ooh baby. We haven't gotten to my favorite uniforms yet but these are as close as you get. The eyepatch dude might be silly, but the whole package is the antithesis of Al Davis in a white warm-up suit. Badass: 9.9

San Diego Chargers
Leave it to a loser franchise like the Chargers to tweak their design in a nod to the Air Coryell era, only it turns out to be a barely perceptible nod that might be mistaken for a Tourette syndrome tic. Shame on them. I can't wait for the Pats to electro-shock dance on them again this weekend: 7.5

Dallas Cowboys
You know, I've never been crazy about their silvery blue pants. Bleh. It's too bad, because the helmet is right up in there. I also like their navy jerseys, which they never get to wear because they choose the whites for home, and most others choose the darks. Still, I see Jerry Jones as football's equivalent to Ted Turner and I'm impressed he hasn't gone insane with color: 8.0

New York Giants
Love that they went back to the older style. Solid. The NY is an improvement over GIANTS, but it could use little more work. Still, it's simple and it grows on you like uptown AIDS: 8.8

Philadelphia Eagles
I remember awhile ago when they went from that pure forest green to the current slate-sort-of-green thing they have going on. It's not even a color, it's like someone soaked the jerseys in mud all offseason. Drab. The winged helmet used to be elegant but they used a Sharpie to over-emphasize the edges and ruined it. This whole city needs to settle down: 2.3

Washington Redskins
Yeah, yeah, "Redskins" is horribly offensive (I got into it with the Rapscallions last year), but theirs is a great design and color combination. Just acknowledge basic decency and do something about the name and logo—again, go with that cool R! Nothing major, you know, who really remembers what a team is called or what symbol they use to represent themselves? Regardless: 8.4

Chicago Bears
Best uniforms in the league. Fantastic football colors, intelligent sense of tradition. Enough said: 10.0

Detroit Lions
These are fine I suppose, but enough of the prancing circus lion. They could switch the logo to a cursive D with whiskers on it and I'd be more impressed. Colors are good though, sort of associate them with the auto industry I suppose. Whatever, it's the Lions: 4.9

Green Bay Packers
Another classic. Can't go wrong with anything here. Good example (even though it's used elsewhere) of defining a letter as your logo. I guess they kind of had to though, because how do you stylize a packer? Don't answer that: 9.0

Minnesota Vikings
I mentioned this in last year's preview: what's with the Viking horn on the pants? Just get together with your friends in Cincinnati and have an intervention—NFL pants are functional and should stop there. And while we're at it with Minnesota, the helmet design is a clever idea (clever or obvious, you decide) but I was never impressed with the execution. I think it needs to be revisited. And maybe it's high-definition television but I don't remember the purple being so fucking purple in my youth. These get worse every time I look at them, so they get my lowest rating: 2.0

Atlanta Falcons
Loved the total about-face they made a few years ago: after switching from red helmets and jerseys to black (in the Great Pre-Millennial Purging of the Red that also claimed the Pats), they wised up and performed admirably by re-instituting the red jerseys. They retained the nice black helmets but incorporated cool red highlights to the falcon. Now that's some flair. (I know I said earlier that we need a pure black-and-white team, but the Falcons just weren't doing it for me.) Nice work: 7.2

Carolina Panthers
More teal, please! One of the all-time blunders for the city of Charlotte, embracing a trendy color to the point that I expected the sidewalks to be painted teal when I visited a few years ago. I think they could just change it to another shade of blue and stop there because it's a pretty decent uniform. Even the helmet logo is alright, which is rare for expansion teams: 5.6

New Orleans Saints
This is some fantastic under-the-radar shit these guys are wearing! All-time-great helmet, stunningly good all-black pants. If only this much consideration was present elsewhere in the city… well, you know. Anyway, a great marriage of name and look: 9.2

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I saw some old clip the other day of that ridiculous orange uniform. Orange is my favorite color but even I couldn't stomach that. I love how the new look unabashedly rips off the 49ers, with pewter (pewter!) in place of gold. That showed real mettle. They did a good job with the helmet though—pretty nifty pirate flag. But I wish the Spaniard with the dagger in his mouth was still around swarthing it up somehow. One can dream: 6.9

Arizona Cardinals
OK, the Sports Guy stole some thunder last week but these guys need a new name, pronto—there just cannot be a large cardinal population in the southwest. Regardless, this whole package needs some work. The angry red bird is kind of cool, I suppose, and I admire the unembellished white helmet. But as with Miami, Phoenix suggests a certain color palette and brick red isn't it. Don't make me sick the S1Ws after you: 2.5

St. Louis Rams
No one else in the league embraced mustard the way the Rams did in Los Angeles. And then they moved to St. Louis and eventually swapped it out for gold, thereby emphasizing the navy… just like everyone else in the league. That's why the Pats went for it in 2002. Still love those helmets though, and blue and gold is pretty sweet after all: 6.7

San Francisco 49ers
OK, we had that extended misstep with the white pants awhile ago. I have no idea what that was all about. Luckily they got their heads together and said "Up yours, Tampa Bay, we had the red/metallic thing going first and now we're taking it back." Until Frank Gore came along, it was the best decision the team made in like twelve years. Gotta give props to the logo too, I totally appreciate these typographic ones when they're done right. And it's the best they could have done outside of a bearded old coot kneeling in a dry riverbed: 7.0

Seattle Seahawks
Muddy blue? Neon piping? Turd: 2.2

To review:
Chicago Bears – 10.0
Oakland Raiders – 9.9
Indianapolis Colts – 9.5
New Orleans Saints – 9.2
Pittsburgh Steelers – 9.1
Green Bay Packers – 9.0
New York Jets – 8.9
New York Giants – 8.8
Cleveland Browns – 8.5
Washington Redskins – 8.4
Kansas City Chiefs – 8.2
Miami Dolphins – 8.1
Dallas Cowboys – 8.0
San Diego Chargers – 7.5
Atlanta Falcons – 7.2
San Francisco 49ers – 7.0
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 6.9
St. Louis Rams – 6.7
Baltimore Ravens – 6.4
New England Patriots – 6.0
Houston Texans – 5.9
Carolina Panthers – 5.6
Cincinnati Bengals – 5.0
Detroit Lions – 4.9
Buffalo Bills – 4.8
Tennessee Titans – 4.7
Jacksonville Jaguars – 4.0
Denver Broncos – 3.2
Arizona Cardinals – 2.5
Philadelphia Eagles – 2.3
Seattle Seahawks – 2.2
Minnesota Vikings – 2.0

Count it! Kinda funny how a lot of these pundit jokers are picking a Colts/Bears rematch. Huh. Of course it's some combination of silly and fruity to judge teams by their uniforms, so I've applied a complex, re-machotizing algorithm to the ratings and reached this conclusion: Pats over Seahawks in Super Bowl XLII. Count that!

And... married!

More marathon observations

I picked up my wedding band in the South End last night and thought I'd head over to Copley Square to jump on the Green Line. Of course, since I worked yesterday I forgot about the little road race. But things were getting back to normal by then, with the streets reopening and everything. And though I haven't drunkenly watched the marathon in person in a few years now, two memories immediately surfaced:

As a kid, I remember watching the 6:00 news with their live reports from the route, and seeing all these people still running the thing (the first wave always completes it a little after 2:00). It always makes me a little sad, because these are the people who are not being cheered at Wellesley and not being watched on television… all the parties are over and everyone's either gone home or changed the channel. As if to emphasize this, the roads are now open and these poor runners have to keep to the curb, whereas earlier finishers had the luxury of not needing to be aware of passing traffic or oncoming headlights. And then there are the 11:00 live feeds, with people still going. Oh boy. Anyway, my heart always goes out to them.

And then there are the annoying astronauts. When people finish the race, all these handlers rush out to them to give them water and stuff, and to wrap them in those tinfoil-like blankets. I have no idea what they're for but there must be a scientific body-preserving effect attached. Great. But many runners are determined to wear these the entire rest of the day and night while walking around the city, in a very I-ran-the-marathon-and-you-did-not-because-I-am-hot-shit manner. Sorry, dude, I was busy drinking my ass off and not bleeding out of my nipples. Fight the real enemy!

Pizzeria Uno? Cheesecake Factory? It must be the Boston Marathon!

The wedding is less than two weeks away and Saturday I had to pick up my new suit at the tailor. I brought it in last weekend and he told me to pick it up in a week, and since I was blinded by the quick turnaround I said "Great!" Wish I had consulted a calendar though (a Massachusetts or Maine calendar, that is), in which case I would have said "Great! But I'll come the following Tuesday instead, thanks."

For today is the regional holiday know as Patriot's Day. Otherwise known at my company as an optional holiday (used them up already, rats). Otherwise known in Lexington as Fuck You, Concord, We Started the Revolution Day. What this manufactured holiday has really become, though, is Boston Marathon Day. (Also, Crazy-Early Red Sox Game Day.) It is truly shocking what happens to this city every year for a few days—it gets mobbed almost as badly as New Year's Eve, with Back Bay close to non-navigable.

So that greeted me Saturday. Not only were they setting up the bleachers in front of the library and closing off streets (thankfully I don't live around there anymore), but the mob was out. International mobs too, you can tell by how rude and oblivious they are. Say what you will about Americans, but for the most part we are a friendly and courteous collection of people. We generally take our backpacks off in the subway and walk in single-file on the sidewalk instead of side by side, thereby blocking people who might need to pick up his suit before he starts slugging everyone. Plus (again, for the most part) our sunglasses are not nearly as ridiculous as everyone else's.

Never mind. Visiting Americans and non-Americans alike were flocking to the chain restaurants. The tailor is right above a Pizzeria Uno on Boylston Street, a block from the finish line, and apparently everyone was afraid they'd lose their prime real estate if they ventured farther than that. So yeah, I had to plow through a crowd of people just dying for some deep-dish, or otherwise too lazy to see if this "Boss-tin" has any other restaurants.

And they do… they also have a Cheesecake Factory! After picking up the suit and getting the hell out of there, I went to the Prudential Center mall because I still needed to get shoes for the big day. (No luck. I've determined that my fashion tastes run about a year or two behind, because I was and still am looking for some square-toed shoes. Unfortunately the style now seems to be sissy pointy-toed things. Also, my initial suit idea was for one with four buttons, and several people came just short of laughing in my face. Ah, fat cats.) So after recognizing that Johnston & Murphy and Florsheim are stores that I will never again patronize (not that I ever did, but I had high hopes because they sound like good shoe-brand names) I decided I would rather go home and drink beer (perhaps I could have borrowed one of the dozens of fanny packs I saw that afternoon and stuffed a couple of drinks in there). Of course, the Prudential subway stop is adjacent to the Cheesecake Factory, and there was another lazy mob waiting to eat exactly what they could eat at home. Even though there have to be a hundred restaurants within five blocks of there. Side streets and quaint neighborhoods be damned, I guess.

Now, I understand the safe familiarity of a chain restaurant—wasn't that the idea behind McDonald's in the first place, and didn't that work out alright?—but if I'm visiting San Francisco or Chicago or something I really hope I'm bold enough to look for something with a little more local flavor.

Like Chili's!

This guy here, this is the guy

I'm a big fan of the Fire Joe Morgan blog. What a stiff. But his suckiness honestly doesn't bother me because I never watch a non-Red Sox baseball game and therefore I'm rarely put upon by network broadcasters, only when the Sox are in the playoffs or on national TV (I wanted to set Joe Buck and that cretin Tim McCarver on fire in 2004). So the only way Morgan affects my life is when the FJM guys skewer his abilities, and for that alone I hope he never actually is fired. Or, at least, not until after this internet fad passes.

My real Joe Morgan is Joe Theismann, a.k.a. The Loudmouth Joe Theismann. Needless to say I was pleased with last week's decision to replace him in the Monday Night Football booth, because football is something I do watch even if the Patriots aren't playing. (I don't like Ron Jaworski either, but he's not as reprehensible… yet.) MNF has never been much of a big deal to me: too many commercials, too many celebrity interviews, too much Hank Williams, Jr. And every announcer I've ever liked—Boomer Esiason, Dan Fouts, post-scandal Frank Gifford, even Dennis Miller (the broadcast is a giant variety show anyway, so why not do it right?)—has been pushed out. Unless it's a big game, I'm unlikely to tune in just to spend most of the night yelling at the moronic analysts. Who needs that?

Still, I was intrigued last year when ESPN threw Tony Kornheiser in the booth. I'm a fan of him and Michael Wilbon on Pardon the Interruption but I was skeptical. Turns out they stuck him with a dud (Mike Tirico) and a loudmouth (The Loudmouth Joe Theismann) and he essentially sucked right alongside them. Besides, who honestly tunes in to televised sports based on the announcers? I never once watched a game because some dude was calling it.

Today it's too easy to watch whatever game you want and just mute the TV to avoid the nonsense altogether. If you're lucky you can turn on the radio and listen to those guys (always superior) and sync up the broadcasts. Difficult considering broadcast delays, even with DVRs, but it can be worth the hassle.

It's remarkable how much money and effort networks invest in these bozos, and in the seeming importance of maintaining consistency from season to season—as if I'm going to accidentally throw my hat out the window when Stephen Gostkowski scores three points unless John Madden clarifies that it's called a field goal and not a hat trick. These people have no bearing at all on the game itself (except for those pointless/priceless six-second interviews at the end of the half which succeed only in making the losing coach even angrier). They screw up a lot (one of the benefits of instant replay is hearing these guys make a definitive statement like "Oh, he clearly stepped out of bounds there, Jim", seeing on the replay that the player actually managed to stay in bounds and then listening to the dead air of an unacknowledged mistake). They think we repeatedly care that such-and-such-player's dying parents are in the stands. They think we're just as absent-mindedly taking in the action as they are, when instead we're curious about the specific game-oriented things that they aren't discussing (questioning coaches' decisions, recognizing how much or little respect a defense is giving a particular offensive player, wondering if Marty Schottenheimer was told before the game that someone dunked his headset in a bucket of hepatitis C). And half the time they're openly anticipating the moment when they have to plug Survivor or throw it back to the studio for a highlight. It's all a giant clusterfuck that gets in the way of enjoying a game.

The Sports Guy complains about announcers a lot and his assessments are usually on the mark, so I apologize if I accidentally recycled some of his sentiments. Last week—or at least I read it last week—he had some choice words about Billy Packer doing the college hoops tournament. I can't say one way or the other because I haven't really watched any, and the little I have has been at a bar where I couldn't hear anything (yet I still followed the games… somehow??), but he's probably right. And it's not a coincidence that the worst offenders are usually the ones who have been doing it the longest.

So remember, as you watch the Sox (or whomever) over the new and endless baseball season and as you suffer through Don Orsillo's boot-licking fanboy routine and Jerry Remy's cigarette-hack laughter (or the local equivalent): the mute button is your friend. Just have that instant-replay button handy, too, in case they show an old clip of some Redskins quarterback's knee being destroyed while he hollers out in agony. Because he'll never be more coherent or incisive again.

The year in something or other

What a 2006. Not only am I done with school for the rest of my life but I've finally admitted to myself, wholeheartedly, that attacking Iraq was a bad idea. I'm surrounded in Cambridge by so many knee-jerk liberals and anti-Bushies that I always feel a strong backlash against anything they favor, and for selfish reasons I didn't want them to be right. But they were. (For the right reasons? That's another discussion.)

Soooooo… at least it was a good year for music, right? There were more than five good new songs on popular radio this year… right? No? So it was exactly like every year since about 1993?

I guess that would explain why my what-I've-been-listening-to-this-year playlist is mostly made up of stuff from years past. Decades past, even. So for those interested, here is a mix that fits snugly on an eighty-minute CD. Do you even have a CD burner? A CD player? Maybe next year if I do this again I'll take a larger step backward by filling a ninety-minute cassette.

---

1. Black Angels – Black Grease
The first song of theirs I heard, which I thought was some Spacemen 3 thing. FYI, this exact version has appeared on all three of their releases, from what I can tell, and I think that's a little fishy.

2. Edan – Rock and Roll
My lone New Englander. His whole album Beauty and the Beat (!) is a great trip: proper sampling is a lost art as everyone Diddy-tizes everything by lifting entire songs rather than bits and pieces from different ones, but Edan nails it in a Prince-Paul-in-1989 kind of way. Extra points here for sampling the Small Faces' "Ogdens' Nut Gone Flake," which I keep telling A. would make a great introduction song at our wedding reception, followed immediately by "Afterglow (of Your Love)" as the first dance. I will not win this one.

3. Syd Barrett – Octopus
My iPod just loves "Octopus." And it was either this or the Ummagumma version of "A Saucerful of Secrets," so consider yourself blessed.

4. Black Keys – Strange Desire
I wrote enough about these guys already… at least I intended to, until I waited too long to write my concert review and forgot all the show's details. It was hard to pick one song from Magic Potion but I think "Strange Desire" is the most unique of the bunch.

5. Taj Mahal – The Cuckoo
Finally broke down and got The Natch'l Blues and I'm angry at myself for waiting this long. It must have been odd to hear something like this (or the Kinks or the Band, for that matter) in 1968 when everyone was going berserk in the studio. Not that I'm complaining.

6. Elephant's Memory – Mongoose
"In the dark, the cobra waits and his eyes glow red. Like a flash comes the mongoose for the battle head to head. Mongoose! Mongoose! Mongoose! Mongoose!"

7. PJ Harvey – The Life and Death of Mr. Badmouth
Smell of female! Uh Huh Her was a criminally ignored album… by me, after I bought it the week it came out in 2004. Really solid all the way through, more so than I remember after my first couple of listens. I almost went with her cover of Howlin' Wolf's "Wang Dang Doodle" from this year's BBC comp but I was afraid it might seem an unintentional snub of her songwriting genius (seriously though, that songs kicks). Begs the question: why do I file PJ Harvey under P in my CD collection and the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion under J but the Jimi Hendrix Experience under H? I may need to seek therapy.

8. Make-Up – Substance Abuse
A tip of the hat to a recent decision to sell my turntable, since (honestly) flipping records—especially singles—is a real pain in the ass. I've got this single and it's a great one (b/w "Under the Impression" and "Have You Heard the Tapes?") but I also have the band's I Want Some singles compilation on CD… which do you think is easier? (By the way, anybody want to buy a turntable and some records?)

9. Electric Banana (a.k.a. Pretty Things) – It'll Never Be Me
Since the Pretty Things never cut it from a commercial perspective (thankfully, because I'm not sure a commercially successful band would have been given leeway to produce SF Sorrow and Parachute back to back) they masqueraded as Electric Banana to record soundtracks for cheesy sixties flicks in order to earn some bread. Never officially released, a lot of this stuff can stand head to head with the band's proper 1967–69 output. "It'll Never Be Me" is another iPod fave.

10. Julie Ruin – On Language
Kathleen Hanna's precursor to Le Tigre. The Kinks? The Guess Who? Buy this album now.

11. DJ Shadow – Fixed Income
2006: the year I asked "Why don't I own The Private Press?"

Here begins the underrated (and now dead) concept of side two. I know MP3s are making even "track one" a dated concept, but one thing CDs sure did was kill that side-two-track-one magic. It was once a big deal (more cassettes in my experience) to make the effort of flipping that thing over and beginning again. Bands usually rewarded you with one of an album's stronger songs too. Some bands today (Belle & Sebastian comes to mind) explicitly leave extra room "between sides" on their CDs, which is plain foolish. However, the powers that be should really practice this with CDs that first saw the light of day as LPs, where there were two (or four if you were self-indulgent/exceptional) distinct parts of an album. For instance, the CD of Led Zeppelin has no gap between "Dazed and Confused" (last song on side one) and "Your Time Is Gonna Come" (first song on side two). They weren't originally so right on top of each other due to the time it takes to flip a record, and knowing that is a little distracting to me. Enough. On with the show, good health to you…

12. Yo La Tengo – Pass the Hatchet, I Think I'm Goodkind
Either I'm a cheapskate or labels are spot-on in picking which songs to make freely available to me. And since the live Floyd didn't work out, this will fill the role of my excessively long track. That rhythm is implacable! I once led off the second side of a mixtape with Love's "Revelation" so I figure this is a good call. (Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass is the grandest of album titles, narrowly beating out Billy Joel's I Am the Death of Rock and Yes's No… No!)

13. Ice Cube – Dead Homiez
From the Kill at Will EP, which is included on the reissue of AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted that I broke down and bought a few months ago (then turned around and flipped the original AMW). People went nuts over "It Was a Good Day" in '92 while I thought it was a mediocre lull on the otherwise-great The Predator, but this song has a higher ratio of really-glad-I'm-not-a-gangbanger moments that add a nice comic element. Damn.

14. Split (a.k.a. George Brigman & Split) – Blowin' Smoke
Stooges-like guitar? Check. Stooges-like vocals (if less urgent)? Check. Stooges-like song title? Check. And on that note, tell me Brigman's solo Jungle Rot LP isn't what a 1975 Stooges album coulda shoulda woulda been. Another nice find courtesy of MIT's WMBR.

15. Dead Meadow – Stacy's Song
From last year's Feathers. Pretty laid back compared to a lot of their earlier crunchy-riff goodness, but it's giving me a pleasant Brian Jonestown Massacre vibe. I also realize I need to bump up the amount of women here—does a backup vocalist count?

16. Rolling Stones – Miss Amanda Jones
I love Between the Buttons. No one ever talks about it, likely because it came between the corner-turning (and gratuitous) Aftermath and the frequently shit-upon (but pretty good) Their Satanic Majesties Request. It's a somewhat shocking album because the band went all three-minute-pop-song on us, including a transparent (and pretty successful) attempt to write a Dylan song ("Who's Been Sleeping Here?"). Funny how "Miss Amanda Jones" previews what the band would be doing five years later with Exile on Main St. Even funnier (well, not funny funnier) considering Brian Jones, the driving force of the band's evolution in '66 and '67 (when BTB was written and recorded), was long gone by then. So this is a little tribute to him.

17. Mudhoney – Blindspots
The triumphant return of Mudhoney… again! We are all better for this band's persistence. "Blindspots" got me pretty excited for their new album Under a Billion Suns but after downloading the rest I determined it was just good (I'll keep trying). Still the song of the year.

18. James Brown – It's a New Day
Without the soul brother, it certainly is. RIP.

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Bonus EP alert! For you can't spell "excessive" without "excess." Or "vice."

19. Six Finger Satellite – Funny Like a Clown
Rhode Island's finest! I've been getting into 6FS again after recently scoring The Pigeon Is the Most Popular Bird (home of this song) on eBay. It's strange that every single one of their albums is out of print because they had a pretty strong college-radio (WZBC and WMBR) following around here. Sad days. At least you can get their final two on iTunes, though I'm guessing iTunes doesn't offer the photo from the Paranormalized insert of a chimpanzee examining a topless dancer with a stethoscope.

20. Can – Mother Sky
Clearly a band I need to research. If I get to know them better I might fall in love.

21. Howlin' Wolf – Moanin' at Midnight
Add it to the list after I picked up His Best last week. It was either that or the Moanin' in the Moonlight/Howlin' Wolf two-fer, and this one has "Three Hundred Pounds of Joy," so what would you do? Here's a guy I've liked awhile but I only reached the buying stage after watching the documentary The Howlin' Wolf Story. I don't know why they don't release that juke-joint set they kept cutting to (the one where a drunken Son House is flailing about)—other than the heavy-handed saxophone it's a marvelous performance.

22. The Brian Jonestown Massacre – Servo
23. Mr. Lif – Phantom
These two are lifted from an exercise in weeding out internet friends early on ("Do you like Ryan Adams?"). It was odd desperation that now reeks of content diarrhea, as if six posts in my first weeks of blogging weren't enough. I'd like to help myself to Cat Power's "Free" and Mountain's "Sittin' on a Rainbow" as well but thirty minutes is already stretching the definition of an EP.

24. Vanilla Fudge – You Keep Me Hangin' On
A couple of months ago I did this Supremes song at a work karaoke party. Once I realized it wasn't working (not ten seconds in) I resorted to recreating the Fudge cover by slowing down the delivery and ad-libbing a bunch of begging/pleading nonsense. Open bar? Indeed! Here's the single version. Sometimes tighter is better and, again, thirty minutes.

So happy new year everyone! You stay classy. I haven't seen Borat yet.

Blacky MacBlackenblack & His Blackest Blackness

If you're tuning in from last month then you know I recently saw the Black Keys and the Black Angels. (I guess Black Mountain and Blackalicious had other black plans.) I'm firmly putting this show in my all-time top five, alongside (in no particular order): Unwound/Blonde Redhead at the Middle East in '98; the Reverend Horton Heat at Avalon in '94; Kiss at Great Woods in '01 (where I cracked up everyone around me with a shouted request for "Love Theme From Kiss"); and the AC/DC cover band Fat Angus at a Somerville dump called Good Times a couple of years ago. AC/DC cover band!

(The funny thing about the Unwound and Rev. shows is that my expectations were low, low, low. I'd seen Unwound about a year earlier and they had a shitload of technical problems, culminating in the amps breaking down one last time and the band becoming fed up and walking off the stage. Vern was a prick but Justin realized it wasn't the crowd's fault, so returned to the mic to tell us "Sorry for all that shit and thanks for sitting through our crappy show…" only the mic stopped working after two syllables—it was like a bad sketch. When they came back to town I might have considered not going, except that Blonde Redhead were opening and I'd been wanting to see them awhile. And let me tell you, Blonde Redhead killed. They were so good I actually felt bad for Unwound having to follow them, especially with the baggage—same club, too. But wouldn't you know it, Unwound blew me away. Just an awesome night. Hard to believe they would emerge as the decade's Yes within two years.)

(Meanwhile, I saw the Rev. on the Liquor in the Front tour. They came out and played the first two songs off that album right in a row without even acknowledging the crowd, and I immediately thought "Pricks!" They warmed up though and put on a good show, having a bunch of fun with us too (including soliciting and accepting shots of Jägermeister from the crowd). It's funny, this was in the days when I was up front at every show and pogoed the whole time—no wonder I was twenty pounds lighter back then—so whenever I hear them now I think of how much I sweat during those two hours.)

Where were we? Black. It's been a month since the show and I'm honestly not remembering it too well. A. came with me though, which was cool because she got into the Black Keys soon after I did (around Thickfreakness). I was afraid she would hate the Black Angels because she's not so much into the feedback/distortion sound (i.e., not at all). But she's a trooper and thought they were decent enough. Truly, though, once "Manipulation" started playing I thought to myself "This is the song she'll walk out during." I wasn't far off.

The band was great but I developed a bias against the female keyboard player. She had what Lee Ranaldo called the I'm-in-a-band look and was doing some sort of swaying/grooving thing throughout. I'm certain it was supposed to look cool and blithe and sexy but it too closely resembled what happens when you're walking along and your knee kind of gives out for a second, except over and over. Other than that it was a great performance, and I was glad for them that it was nearly a full house (either I underestimated how popular they are or I don't give Boston music fans enough credit). Also, I made some remark to A. about how impressed I was with the use of a sitar on the band's newish Passover (good album, great artwork), only there wasn't a single sitar on stage and the music sounded exactly like it did on record. So now I'm the non-musician with an opinion about a non-existent sitar—George Harrison and Brian Jones are not happy. (Hey, at least I wasn't that-guy standing in front of us who bought a Black Keys tee shirt and put it on between sets. As much as I love the entirety of PCU, its greatest contribution to society is the "don't be that guy" sequence where Piven yells at Favreau for wearing a shirt of the band he's going to see.)

I wish I could give some kind of set list of what the Black Keys played, but I just don't remember anymore. I can say they hit everything I wanted to hear, including "I've Grown So Ugly" in the encore. I might have pouted for a week had they not played that. It's a lot of noise for two guys. You wonder how much overdubbing goes on in the studio when a small band makes a big sound, but nothing was lacking in the live show. Dan and Patrick are just really good at what they do.

So here are Dan and Patrick, tearing the place apart, whaling on us. A mercilessly excellent show. Patrick is something to watch on the drums, a big gangly dude who's just flailing his arms and legs, but not in a spastic way. Because of the format has to turn his kit into a lead instrument à la Ginger Baker and I'm all for that. It was hard to take your eyes off him. (I read a recent interview with him where he discussed hip-hop and how much he likes it—aren't the best drummers always hip-hop fans?)

Anyway, it's become apparent to me that I waited too long to write this. But the Black Keys were awesome for the whole ninety minutes, seemed very gracious in front of an adoring crowd (I later learned this was the first show of the tour) and really exceeded our high expectations. Pound for pound, my favorite show in about eight years. And despite the awful album art, Magic Potion is probably my favorite album of the year, which may or may not be saying something because I've bought maybe three 2006 albums. More on that later.

Shame and the electric jug

[As promised, I now return to these lands with more regularity. I've just completed a pretty rigorous graphic design certificate program, which took up a large chunk of the last three years of my life. I can't even tell you how awesome it was to watch Pats games without constantly thinking to myself "OK, I've got to start my homework after the next drive." So, honestly, congratulations to me. I look forward to writing a bunch of new nonsense that matters to no one but my reader and me. Such as this!]

Is it wrong to buy a band's compilation album? I always experience semi-guilt here, not because of the great "go to the mall" scene in High Fidelity but because I feel I'm letting myself down with a lack of commitment.

Example: I recently bought Going Up: The Very Best of the 13th Floor Elevators. Aside from the atrocious title—oh, because of the elevator!—it's a really solid disc. I never could make up my mind whether to get The Psychedelic Sounds of… or Easter Everywhere (the latter of which has to be tied with the Zombies' Odessey and Oracle as the most over-mentioned "influential" album in interviews with up-and-coming shit bands that likely have never heard either). Anyway, this disc does a nice job of picking the best stuff from their three studio albums, plus a B-side and a live track for good measure. My only complaint is the inclusion of the single version (my worst enemy) of "Slip Inside This House," one of my favorite songs. But what are you gonna do, I'll just hang onto the MP3.

I'd say this resignation is a sign of aging and laziness, and maybe a little cheapness. But every now and then I've broken down and decided an artist doesn't have a proper album that's strong enough to buy, so I'm going to buy whatever has the highest ratio of songs I like. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and get the greatest fucking hits.

Shame didn't elude me with the Elevators, just like it didn't when I got The Best of Mountain. Going through my CD collection, here are the other culprits, with defensive arguments where appropriate:

13th Floor Elevators – Going Up: The Very Best of the 13th Floor Elevators
See above. It's a truly solid mix, but I'd swap in "Street Song" for "May the Circle Remain Unbroken."

Aerosmith – Gems
That's right: Aerosmith. Screw you.

Animals – The Story of the Animals
Singles band through and through. This has almost every song you would want from these guys, especially if you have horrible taste and favor the wretched '83 reunion track "The Night." (Seriously though, this two-disc set's a keeper.)

Chet Baker – The Best of Chet Baker Sings
Essentially the album Chet Baker Sings plus a handful of other songs, so I'm not sure it counts.

Beastie Boys – The Sounds of Science
Got this for the rare stuff. Surprisingly good flow considering the time it spans.

David Bowie – The Best of David Bowie 1969–1974
Every time I go to Newbury Comics (the local record store that used to be awesome and undercut everyone else by at least $3 a CD but has since jacked up their prices, stopped including coupons in the Sunday Herald and instead decided to focus on crap like barista action figures and ska calendars) I pick up either The Man Who Sold the World, Hunky Dory, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust & the Spiders From Mars or Aladdin Sane and almost buy it, until I remember they all have at least two throwaway tracks that are just bad enough to keep me from shelling out the dough. Plus, this comp is actually really good. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.

The Brian Jonestown Massacre – Tepid Peppermint Wonderland
I wrote about this already. Kind of a hit-or-miss band, but T-P-Dub pulls together quite a lot of the cream.

James Brown – Classic
James Brown – Motherlode
James Brown – In the Jungle Groove
James Brown – Make It Funky: The Big Payback
The wheels really come off here, but I'm not sure which LP is better than any of these (maybe The Payback). In the Jungle Groove is indispensable.

Johnny Cash – Murder
Excepting the American Recordings releases, wasn't he mostly a singles artist? That's what I'm going with.

John Coltrane – The Best of John Coltrane
This is the first Coltrane CD I ever got, when I was curious about jazz back in college. It's basically five of the "best" songs recorded live in Europe in 1962 and 1963 that ended up on countless Pablo Records albums. I couldn't be happier to have dumb-lucked myself into this instead of a studio collection because it's terrific and, without getting all spacey, it really opened my mind (Elvin Jones is a maniac). I also learned that the Doors ripped off Mongo Santamaría's original "Afro Blue" riff for their own "Universal Mind." Drunken thief. Anyway, I've since gotten a shitload of Coltrane stuff.

Donovan – Greatest Hits
Another mostly-singles artist. Plus the liner notes are the shit, like when he explains how "Led Zeppelin" played on "Hurdy Gurdy Man," which isn't nearly as true as he'd like. (Jones yes, Page maybe, Bonham no).

Go-Go's – Go-Go's Greatest
Who needs more than one CD by this band? Beside me, that is, since I also have the God Bless the Go-Go's reunion album.

Kinks – Greatest Hits
Most of their early singles are on this, predating their album-oriented run that probably began with Something Else by the Kinks. (By the way, I'm sick of this popular belief that The Kink Kontrovery was an immature effort and that the "good Kinks" era began with Face to Face; Face is a good album but, goddammit, so is Kontroversy, despite what these riff-o-phobic pussies prefer.) I love these guys.

MC5 – The Big Bang: The Best of the MC5
This is a good mix, but I'm puzzled by some of the song selections. Love the early singles at the beginning and the selections from the first and last albums (which I have), but why the fuck is Back in the U.S.A. the most heavily represented? Can we all agree that it's sort of an underwhelming mess?

Mountain – The Best of Mountain
No guilt whatsoever here. I would fight anyone who has a problem with Mountain and/or The Best of Mountain. People who don't like "Mississippi Queen" are assholes.

Mudhoney – March to Fuzz
Hey, I'm listening to this right now! Nice to have all the rarities together on the second disc. I will like Mudhoney my entire life.

Nina Simone – Compact Jazz
No real defense here, I'd heard "Feeling Good" and had to get something that included it, but I also wanted "Mood Indigo" and "I Put a Spell on You." Plus the disc ends with ten minutes of "Sinnerman," and as you may or may not have figured out I like pretty much anything longer than seven minutes.

Run-DMC – Greatest Hits
Similar to Bowie, Run-DMC has no great album—just way too much filler. I guess it couldn't be helped when putting out an album a year in the mid-eighties, before sampling got creative enough to stretch things out. Let's face it, though: most Run-DMC songs are exactly the same. Glasses, rock and Jam-Master Jay… that's about all they rapped about.

Temptations – Psychedelic Soul
Almost all their psych shit on two discs. Except for the alternate mix of "Ball of Confusion" (what in the worldwide fuck?), I couldn't be more content. Bonus points for several full-length versions too.

Troggs – The Best of the Troggs
They've got good songs not included here ("The Raver" and "66-5-4-3-2-1" come to mind) but I think this generally represents their best stuff, excepting a lack of Troggs Tapes meltdowns.

Van Halen – Fuckin' Van Halen
I can't even tell you how awesome this homemade mix is. Unfortunately, Van Halen is another one (like Bowie) that sprinkled otherwise strong albums with capital-F filler (though "Sunday Afternoon in the Park" might be one of the best filler tracks ever).

Link Wray – Rumble: The Best of Link Wray
That's right, I first heard of this guy because of Quentin Tarantino. But I'll still take "Rumble," "Jack the Ripper" and "Hidden Charms" any day of the week.

So there it is, every compilation I own. Surprisingly more than I expected but hey, I like them all. Fuck it.