Friday, September 15, 2006

Let the Polamalu suck-off begin!

OK, I meant to write this last week. My bad. I hope it's not too late to throw another knee-jerk NFL preview log on the fire, even with the benefit of 20/20 week-one hindsight.

I'm going to hold myself to one sentence per team here (though beware of cheating with semi-colons and parentheses and stuff). I do this partly to focus on what I really think (rather than going off on tangents and shit), partly because I'll likely recycle a lot of what I've already read and heard (unconsciously or otherwise) and partly because I don't necessarily know much about teams that don't start with N and end in S and have an ewenglandpatriot in the middle. And I won't pick a Super Bowl victor because that should be painfully obvious by the end due to my thorough impartiality.

(Just one remark on the post title: I think Troy Polamalu is a fine player, but if I hear one more analyst or ESPN2 douchebag talk about what a nice guy he is off the field and what an intense competitor he is on the field I will shun the color yellow for the rest of my life. Ed Reed is better anyway.)

I'm doing this pinko-style, straight-up alphabetical order:

Arizona Cardinals
Everyone's calling this the sleeper team, just like everyone did last year, which tells me that everyone is an idiot.

Atlanta Falcons
Ron Mexico is in the house and I won't hate the player, I'll hate the game—because he is too fun to watch.

Baltimore Ravens
If Ray Lewis tackled Steve McNair, would they both end up on injured reserve?

Buffalo Bills
Gave the Pats a good game last week so I'm wondering if they could challenge the Dolphins for second in the AFC East; in fact, I think Willis McGahee could find the real killers.

Carolina Panthers
I thought these guys would coast to the Super Bowl last year, so I have no idea what to make of them; on the other hand, Steve Smith Steve Smith Steve Smith Steve Smith Steve Smith Steve Smith.

Chicago Bears
Everyone's saying "Hey, it was only the Packers," but to do that in Green Bay is still impressive; on a related note, I'll be buying all my furniture in Chicago from now on.

Cincinnati Bengals
If I'm flipping around on a Sunday and the Cincinnati offense is on the field, I'll park it because I don't want to miss the Chad Johnson Experience (I'm not being sarcastic here, I think he's the best).

Cleveland Browns
I can type the name Willie McGinest without sobbing, but just barely.

Dallas Cowboys
I don't know anyone around here who doesn't want Bledsoe to do well; matter of fact, the somehow-still-employed-by-the-Globe Ron Borges wishes he was still our starting quarterback.

Denver Broncos
Fuckers.

Detroit Lions
I don't have anything to say about the Lions, except that Thanksgiving might be my favorite holiday.

Green Bay Packers
Favre right now is as selfish as T.O. has ever been, and I can't believe no one's mentioning it; he said last year that it's not his job to mentor a young quarterback—what a prick.

Houston Texans
Still can't believe the Oilers aren't around; great name, great uniforms, great Bum.

Indianapolis Colts
Hold on a second: this is a team that couldn't win the "Let's win this for coach" game against the Seahawks last year (they were resting their starters, but come on), they lost Edgerrin James, Peyton proves again and again that he has no game management skills in the playoffs… and everyone's picking them to win the Super Bowl?

Jacksonville Jaguars
To paraphrase Flavor Flav: we got three black quarterbacks so step back!

Kansas City Chiefs
I miss that Snickers commercial where the grounds-crew guy accidentally paints Chefs in the Arrowhead endzone, and then mumbles "Great googity boogity."

Miami Dolphins
A few years ago my friends and I traveled to East Lansing for a Michigan State/Penn State football game (long story); Nick Saban was the MSU coach at the time, and the undisputed highlight of the weekend was some guy shouting "You suck, Saban!" from a few seats away—we still make each other laugh with that one.

Minnesota Vikings
I'll avoid the obvious Sex Boat thing and say the decision to put the viking horns down the length of the pant legs was unsound.

New England Patriots
I can't say anything here without sounding like a homer, so I'll just give another reason why Bill Belichick is the coolest: when asked if he cares whether his former assistants are successful as head coaches in the NFL, he responded "I don't sit around and cheer for other teams in the league… I root for the Patriots every Sunday, like a lot of other people around here do."

New Orleans Saints
Not sure if I'm inventing this conspiracy, but I think the NFL made the Texans not draft Reggie Bush so the Saints could, allowing them to reap the financial benefits (merchandising and game attendance) and remain in New Orleans; call me crazy.

New York Giants
Blah blah blah Manning Bowl blah blah blah Jeremy Shockey blah blah blah tough division; all overrated.

New York Jets
I can't think of the Jets (or the Steelers) without thinking of watching their 2005 playoff game at the People's Republic (Cambridge's faux commie bar) and being unable to decide which was worse: the "competition" itself or what passed for a Guinness "pint" (twelve ounces, five dollars).

Oakland Raiders
The Aaron Brooks??

Philadelphia Eagles
The secondary is so strong, they could put as much pressure on opposing offenses as Donovan McNabb's cornrows put on his hairline.

Pittsburgh Steelers
It pains me that this team won the Super Bowl last year; but then I remember the Terrible Towel and what a sissy little gimmick it is, only the team and its entire fanbase don't realize it; and then I think that Carson Daly might have something with this karma thing.

San Diego Chargers
I visited the San Diego Zoo once and took a picture of a rhinoceros standing next to a sign warning about the animal's "spray zone"—the sign had a cartoon rhino spraying urine out of its rear, and for maximum artistic effect I snapped the pic while facing the rhino's ass (luckily managing to not get spray-pissed on); I think there's a Marty Schottenheimer joke in there somewhere.

San Francisco 49ers
I was impressed that Vernon Davis, the tight end the team drafted this year, wasn't afraid to show emotion on national television when he was picked; I was also impressed with his hair, which reminded me of Predator, which is a symbol of American triumph.

Seattle Seahawks
Have fun with Deion Branch, he's a good player and a formerly sensible guy; just hope the Madden curse doesn't come through and shatter Shaun Alexander's kneecaps, therefore costing you a top-ten pick.

St. Louis Rams
The Sports Guy picked the Rams as his sleeper team this year, and since he did the same thing with the Bears last year I'm inclined to believe him; then again, he made one of those celebrity iMixes on iTunes and his taste in music is historically bad; so I don't know what to think.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Phil Simms is a terrible TV analyst, but he is a TV analyst, so every uptight sycophant in the media is afraid to say how much his QB son sucks.

Tennessee Titans
I hated that "Tennessee" group Arrested Development and, like with so many shit bands, I refused to bow down to their popularity and associated peer pressure… and I'm a better person today because of it; also at this party are Bon Jovi, the Spin Doctors and the Strokes, with Bloc Party knocking on the front door.

Washington Redskins
I'm not PC thug, but it's about time to retire the name Redskins; the team's baseball hats have a cool R they could adopt as a new logo, and they could become something else that starts with R like the Rapscallions or the Republocrats.

Playoff picks
AFC division winners: Indianapolis, New England, Pittsburgh, San Diego
AFC wild-card teams: Jacksonville, Cincinnati
NFC division winners: Chicago, Carolina, Philadelphia, Seattle
NFC wild-card teams: Atlanta, New York
Super Bowl: New England, Chicago

Count it!