Beer and football IX — playoffs, week threeAFC Championship

The game: Patriots at Chiefs
The beer: Clown Shoes La Bestia Furiosa Mexican-Style Imperial Stout
The result: Win, 37–31
The commentary: At eighty-eight miles per hour we copyedit last week's thrilling conclusion: "With Edelman likely unsuccessfully neutralized I'm looking to James White, Sony Michel and Chris Hogan's cloak of invisibility impressive athleticism and hands to carry the load. (Don't forget the Rex Burkhead widow maker!) But if melting snow and neutralizing a big freeze is your bag then anticipate a classic Gronk touchdown performance to close things out. See you in Atlanta?!1

And so it's time to beat LA again. Sorry, "Beat LA^®" again. Counting proper championships and not, you know, divisional-round wins against San Diego expats, this will be the seventh such contest in my lifetime of big-four-sports fandom, finally checking off the NFL box. Note one instance of regional treason:

Celtics vs. Lakers – 1984 / 1985 / 1987 / 2008 / 2010

Canadiens vs. Kings – 1993

Red Sox vs. Dodgers – 2018

Patriots vs. Rams – (not so fast)

I have few memories of those early Celtics series aside from '86 against the Rockets and therefore didn't experience a conscious, real-time win against the Lakers until the '07/'08 run. That's when Hector, Ivan, Oleg and I were kicked out of the Winking Lizard in suburban Cleveland once they closed at goddamn nine o'clock in the middle of Sunday night's (losing) game five. Habs–Kings put a fine Patrick Roy-emblazoned stamp on my freshman year of college—I didn't own a TV and had to watch in the dorm's "common area," subjecting a greasy flow of Stone Temple Pilots enthusiasts to my lonely triumph. During the semi-finals a friend got pissy with me because I refused a bet—he wanted to take the field against my Habs but wouldn't give me odds. Right. In retrospect that pizza would have hit the spot. And the Sox in October? I'm back to remembering only three players from the team. Bandwagon needs an oil change.

Fourth on the list, shall it earn a green 2019? (Or is it 2018/2019? These are the problems I create for myself.) The Chiefs win was encouraging and seems to have erased all doubt around here, solving the sputtering-offense, can't-beat-top-teams and can't-win-on-the-road concerns. The defense? Eh, what are you gonna do. Mahomes is the real deal and fun to watch so that first-half shutdown was rewarding even if everything did follow the week-six blueprint. And then? And then! "Tails never fails but heads never deads." I—we—could really use a comfortable blow-out victory next weekend. The smallest violin.

Not to sprain my own arm but I did a good job summarizing Patriots achievement and appreciation in last year's post-AFC Championship glow: "When the end comes it will do so swiftly and never be assumed. It will be witnessed. Everyone will have kept watching, maybe even Mark Wahlberg, and it will be tragic (for some) or wonderful (for most), a moment marked by zeros on the clock. Zeros. Good luck, NFL." I wasn't always so sound, so concise, so poetic an inter-net darling. Sometimes I wrote of cereal and footwear. I smell a bye-week project…

Up next: Sheesh, another bye week? I guess it's better than another bye postseason, right Pittsburgh? Cheers!

Andy Dufresne and Anatoli Boukreev walk into a bar

Updated: January 1, 2020
Continuing, for some reason, to chronicle every book and short story I've read since The Lord of the Rings in the Spring of 2017.

Part 1 (2017) | Part 2 (2018) | "Selected readings from the Old Lady Book Club"

Critical remarks are avoided…

Rereads coopt the register-mark symbol…

"Library Book Club" selections are noted in red to represent the spectre of death.

"CSGNFBØQEBCBBL" selections are noted in blue to represent the suffocation that is professional networking.

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Denis Johnson
"The Starlight on Idaho" (2018)

Elizabeth Strout
Anything Is Possible (2017) 👍

John Cleese
So, Anyway… (2014)

Philip K. Dick
"The Days of Perky Pat" (1963)
"Precious Artifact" (1964)
"A Game of Unchance" (1964)

Agatha Christie
Murder on the Orient Express (1934)

Philip K. Dick
"Faith of Our Fathers" (1967)
"The Electric Ant" (1969)
"A Little Something for Us Tempunauts" (1974)
"Rautavaara's Case" (1980)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"Preface to Welcome to the Monkey House" (1968)
"You've Never Been to Barnstable?" a.k.a. "Where I Live" (1964)

Philip K. Dick
"The Exit Door Leads In" (1979)
"Frozen Journey" (1980)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"Harrison Bergeron" (1961)

Katy Tur
Unbelievable: My Front-Row Seat to the Craziest Campaign in American History (2017) 👍

Jeffrey Eugenides
Middlesex (2002)  👍

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"My Name Is Everyone," a.k.a. "Who Am I This Time?" (1961)
"Welcome to the Monkey House" (1968)
"Long Walk to Forever" (1960)
"The Foster Portfolio" (1951)

Owen Beattie/John Geiger
Frozen in Time: The Fate of the Franklin Expedition (1987/2017 revision)

Fiona Davis
The Address (2017) 👎

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"Miss Temptation" (1956)

Shirley Jackson
From Come Along With Me (posth.)
"Biography of a Story" (1960)

Frederic Brown
"Hall of Mirrors" (1953)
"Keep Out" (1954)

Charlotte Perkins Gilman
"The Yellow Wall-Paper" (1892)

Wes Moore
The Other Wes Moore: One Name, Two Fates (2010) 👎

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"All the King's Horses" (1951)

Shirley Jackson
From Come Along With Me (posth.)
"The Night We All Had Grippe" (1952)
"Experience and Fiction" (1958)
"Notes for a Young Writer" (1962)

Eugene Burdick/Harvey Wheeler
Fail-Safe (1962)

Ambrose Bierce
"An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" (1890)

Shirley Jackson
From Come Along With Me (posth.)
"Janice" (1938)
"Tootie in Peonage" (1942)
"A Cauliflower in Her Hair" (1944)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Mother Night (1962)

Andre Dubus III
Townie (2011) 👍

Henry James
The Turn of the Screw (1898/1908 revision)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"Tom Edison's Shaggy Dog" (1953)
"The Random House Dictionary," a.k.a. "New Dictionary" (1966)
"Next Door" (1955)
"More Stately Mansions" (1951)

Norm Macdonald
Based on a True Story (2016)

Ian McEwan
Nutshell (2016)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"The Hyannis Port Story" (1963)
"DP" (1953)
"Report on the Barnhouse Effect" (1950)
"The Euphio Question" (1951)
"Go Back to Your Precious Wife and Son" (1962)

Shirley Jackson
From Come Along With Me (posth.)
"I Know Who I Love" (1946)
"The Beautiful Stranger" (1946)
"The Summer People" (1950)
"The Island" (1950)
"The Lovely House," a.k.a. "A Visit" (1952)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"Deer in the Works" (1955)
"The Lie" (1962)
"Unready to Wear" (1953)
"The Kid Nobody Could Handle" (1955)

Shirley Jackson
From Come Along With Me (posth.)
"Come Along With Me" (1965)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"The Manned Missiles" (1958)
"EPICAC" (1950)
"Adam" (1954)

Erik Larson
Dead Wake: The Last Crossing of the Lusitania (2015) 👍

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow" (1961)

Shirley Jackson
From Come Along With Me (posth.)
"The Rock" (1951)
"A Day in the Jungle" (1952)
"Pajama Party" (1963)
"Louisa, Please Come Home" (1960)
"The Little House" (1964)
"The Bus" (1965)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Bagombo Snuff Box (1999)
"Introduction to Bagombo Snuff Box" (1999)

Arundhati Roy
The God of Small Things (1997) 👎

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Bagombo Snuff Box (1999)
"Thanasphere" (1950)
"Mnemonics" (1951)
"Any Reasonable Offer" (1952)
"The Package" (1952)
"The No-Talent Kid" (1952)
"Poor Little Rich Town" (1952)
"Souvenir" (1952)
"The Cruise of the Jolly Roger" (1953)
"Custom-Made Bride" (1954)
"Ambitious Sophomore" (1954)
"Bagombo Snuff Box" (1954)
"The Powder-Blue Dragon" (1954/1999 revision)
"A Present for Big Nick," a.k.a. "A Present for Big Saint Nick" (1954)

Liu Cixin
The Three-Body Problem (2008/2014 translation)

Shirley Jackson
From Let Me Tell You (posth.)
"Paranoia" (c. 1942)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Bagombo Snuff Box (1999)
"Unpaid Consultant" (1955)
"Der Arme Dolmetscher" (1955)
"The Boy Who Hated Girls" (1956/1999 revision)
"This Son of Mine" (1956) ®
"A Night for Love" (1957)

Stephen King
From Different Seasons (1982)
Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption ®

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Bagombo Snuff Box (1999)
"Find Me a Dream" (1961)
"Runaways" (1961)
"2 B R 0 2 B" (1962) ®
"Lovers Anonymous" (1963)
"Hal Irwin's Magic Lamp" (1957/1999 revision)
"Coda to My Career As a Writer for Periodicals" (1999)

Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"All I Can Remember" (unk.)
"The Smoking Room" (unk.)
"I Don't Kiss Strangers" (unk.)

Stephen King
From Different Seasons (1982)
Apt Pupil ®

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Armageddon in Retrospect (posth.)
"Dear People" (1945)
"At Clowes Hall, Indianapolis" (2007)
"Wailing Shall Be in All Streets" (unk.)
"Great Day" (unk.)
"Guns Before Butter" (unk.)
"Happy Birthday, 1951" (unk.)
"Brighten Up" (unk.)
"The Unicorn Trap" (unk.)
"Unknown Soldier" (unk.)
"Spoils" (unk.)
"Just You and Me, Sammy" (unk.)
"The Commandant's Desk" (unk.)
"Armageddon in Retrospect" (unk.)

Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"Summer Afternoon" (unk.)
"Indians Live in Tents" (unk.)
"The Very Hot Sun in Bermuda" (unk.)
"Nightmare" (unk.)
"Dinner for a Gentleman" (unk.)
"Party of Boys" (unk.)
"Jack the Ripper" (unk.)

Kirstin Downey
The Woman Behind the New Deal: The Life of Frances Perkins, FDR's Secretary of Labor and His Moral Conscience (2009) 👍

Franz Kafka
The Metamorphosis (1915/2002 translation)

Andy Weir
The Martian (2011)
"How Science Made Me a Writer" (2014)
"Diary of an AssCan" (2015)

Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"The Honeymoon of Mrs. Smith" (unk.)
"The Mystery of the Murdered Bride" (unk.)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Look at the Birdie (posth.)
"Dear Miller" (1951)

Shirley Jackson
We Have Always Lived in the Castle (1962)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Look at the Birdie (posth.)
"Confido" (unk.)
"Fubar" (unk.) ®
"Shout About It From the Housetops" (unk.)
Ed Luby's Key Club (unk.)

Stephen King
From Different Seasons (1982)
The Body ®
The Breathing Method

Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"The Sister" (unk.)
"Arch-Criminal" (unk.)
"Mrs. Anderson" (unk.)
"Come to the Fair" (unk.)
"Portrait" (unk.)
"Gnarly the King of the Jungle" (unk.)
"The Good Wife" (unk.)
"Devil of a Tale" (unk.)
"The Mouse" (unk.)
"My Grandmother and the World of Cats" (unk.)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Look at the Birdie (posth.)
"A Song for Selma" (unk.)
"Hall of Mirrors" (unk.)
"The Nice Little People" (unk.)
"Hello, Red" (unk.)

Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"Maybe It Was the Car" (unk.)
"Lovers Meeting" (unk.)
"My Recollections of SB Fairchild" (unk.)
"Deck the Halls" (unk.)
"Lord of the Castle" (unk.)
"What a Thought" (unk.)
"When Barry Was Seven" (unk.)
"Before Autumn" (unk.)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Look at the Birdie (posth.)
"Little Drops of Water" (unk.)
"The Petrified Ants" (unk.)
"The Honor of a Newsboy" (unk.)

Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"The Story We Used to Tell" (unk.)
"My Uncle in the Garden" (unk.)
"On the House" (1943)
"Little Old Lady in Great Need" (1944)
"When Things Get Dark" (1944)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Look at the Birdie (posth.)
"Look at the Birdie" (unk.)
"King and Queen of the Universe" (unk.)
"The Good Explainer" (unk.)

Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"Whistler's Grandmother" (1945)
"Family Magician" (1949)

Bjørnstjerne Bjørnson
"The Father" (1860/1881 translation)

Jon Krakauer
Into Thin Air (1997) ® 👍
"Postscript to Into Thin Air" (1999)

Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"The Wishing Dime" (1949)
"About Two Nice People" (1951)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
"The Big Space Fuck" (1972)
"Atrocity Story" (unk.)
"Eden by the River" (unk.)
"Between Timid and Timbuktu" (unk.)
"Rome" (unk.)
"Miss Snow, You're Fired" (unk.)
"Paris, France" (unk.)
"The City" (unk.)
"Sucker's Portfolio" (unk.)
"The Drone King" (unk.)
"Requiem for Zeitgeist" (unk.)
"And on Your Left" (unk.)

Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"Mrs. Melville Makes a Purchase" (1951)
"Journey With a Lady" (1952)
"The Most Wonderful Thing" (1952)
"The Friends" (1953)
"Alone in a Den of Cubs" (1953)
"The Order of Charlotte's Going" (1954)
"One Ordinary Day, With Peanuts" (1955)
"The Missing Girl" (1957)
"The Omen" (1958)
"Strangers in Town," a.k.a. "The Very Strange House Next Door" (1959)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From While Mortals Sleep (posth.)
"Jenny" (unk.)
"The Epizootic" (unk.)
"Hundred-Dollar Kisses" (unk.)
"Guardian of the Person" (unk.)
"With His Hand on the Throttle" (unk.)
"Girl Pool" (unk.)
"Ruth" (unk.)

Andrew Schulman
Waking the Spirit: A Musician's Journey Healing Body, Mind and Soul (2016)

Shirley Jackson
"A Great Voice Stilled" (1960)
"All She Said Was Yes" (1962)
"Home" (1965)
"IOU" (1965)
"The Possibility of Evil" (1965)
"Fame" (1948)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From While Mortals Sleep (posth.)
"While Mortals Sleep" (unk.)
"Out, Brief Candle" (unk.)
"Tango" (unk.)
"Bomar" (unk.)
"The Man Without No Kiddleys" (unk.)

Diane Ackerman
The Zookeeper's Wife (2007) 👍

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From While Mortals Sleep (posth.)
"Mr. Z" (unk.)
"$10,000 a Year, Easy" (unk.)
"Money Talks" (unk.)
"The Humbugs" (unk.)

HP Lovecraft
"Nyarlathotep" (1920)
"Polaris" (1920)
"The Statement of Randolph Carter" (1920)
"From Beyond" (1934)
"The Temple" (1925)
"The Other Gods" (1933)
"The Hound" (1924)
"The Unnamable" (1925)
"He" (1926)
"In the Vault" (1925)
"The Descendant" (c. 1927)
"The Book" (1933)
"The Very Old Folk" (1927)
"The Lurking Fear" (1923)
"The Horror at Red Hook" (1927)
"The Thing on the Doorstep" (1937)
Herbert West—Reanimator (1922)

Philip K. Dick
The Man in the High Castle (1962)

HP Lovecraft
The Shunned House (1924)
"The Silver Key" (1929)

Agatha Christie
From "The Witness for the Prosecution" and Other Stories (1948)
"Traitor's Hands," a.k.a. "The Witness for the Prosecution" (1925)
"The Red Signal" (1924)
"The Fourth Man" (1925)
"SOS" (1926)
"Wireless," a.k.a. "Where There's a Will" (1926)
"The Mystery of the Blue Jar" (1924)

Henry Rollins
Get in the Van: On the Road With Black Flag (1994/2004 revision)

Agatha Christie
From "The Witness for the Prosecution" and Other Stories (1948)
"Sing a Song of Sixpence" (1929)
"Mr. Eastwood's Adventure" (1924)
"Philomel Cottage" (1924)
"The Uncrossed Path," a.k.a. "Accident" (1929)
"The Second Gong" (1932)

Oscar Wilde
The Picture of Dorian Gray (1890)

Carl Bernstein/Bob Woodward
All the President's Men (1974) 👍
"Afterword to All the President's Men: Marking the Fortieth Anniversary of Watergate" (2012)

Shirley Jackson
From Let Me Tell You (posth.)
"Still Life With Teapot and Students" (unk.)
"The Arabian Nights" (unk.)
"Mrs. Spencer and the Oberons" (unk.)
"It Isn't the Money I Mind" (1945)
"Company for Dinner" (unk.)
"I Cannot Sing the Old Songs" (unk.)

Ottessa Moshfegh
McGlue (2014)

Shirley Jackson
From Let Me Tell You (posth.)
"The New Maid" (unk.)
"French Is the Mark of a Lady" (unk.)
"Gaudeamus Igitur" (unk.)

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[A third year with the Ladies, thought to have expired in August, instead continues at a more relaxed pace as I anticipate six skipped titles after only two and then two more (Jhumpa Lahiri's The Lowland and Chris Bohjalian's Before You Know Kindness last season). "One book" abounds…]

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David Sheff
Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction (2008) 👍
"Afterword to Beautiful Boy: Hope for an Addicted Nation" (2009)
"New Afterword to Beautiful Boy" (2018)

The Jesus Lizard
Book (2014)

Shirley Jackson
From Let Me Tell You (posth.)
"The Lie" (unk.)
"She Says the Damnedest Things" (unk.)
"Remembrance of Things Past" (unk.)

Jimmy Page
Jimmy Page (2014)

Shirley Jackson
From Let Me Tell You (posth.)
"Let Me Tell You" (unk.)
"Bulletin" (1954)
"Family Treasures" (unk.)
"Showdown" (unk.)
"The Trouble With My Husband" (unk.)
"Six AM Is the Hour" (unk.)
"Root of Evil" (1953)
"The Bridge Game" (unk.)
"The Man in the Woods" (unk.)
"Autobiographical Musing" (unk.)
"A Garland of Garlands" (unk.)
"Hex Me, Daddy, Eight to the Bar" (unk.)

Georgia Hunter
We Were the Lucky Ones (2017) 👍

Autumn de Wilde
Elliott Smith (2007)

Shirley Jackson
From Let Me Tell You (posth.)
"Clowns" (1949)
"A Vroom for Dr. Seuss" (unk.)
"Notes on an Unfashionable Novelist: Samuel Richardson, 1689–1761" (unk.)
"Private Showing" (unk.)
"Good Old House" (1952)
"The Play's the Thing" (unk.)
"The Ghosts of Loiret" (unk.)
"Well?" (unk.)
"The Sorcerer's Apprentice" (unk.)
"Period Piece" (unk.)
"4-F Party" (unk.)
"The Paradise" (unk.)
"Homecoming" (1945)
"Daughter, Come Home" (1944)
"As High as the Sky" (unk.)
"Murder on Miss Lederer's Birthday" (unk.)
"Here I Am, Washing Dishes Again" (unk.)
"In Praise of Dinner Table Silence" (1960)
"Questions I Wish I'd Never Asked" (1961)
"Mother, Honestly!" (1959)
"How to Enjoy a Family Quarrel" (1957)
"The Pleasures and Perils of Dining Out With Children" (1957)
"Out of the Mouths of Babes" (1960)
"The Real Me" (unk.)
"On Girls of Thirteen" (unk.)
"What I Want to Know Is, What Do Other People Cook With?" (1961)
"About the End of the World" (unk.)
"Memory and Delusion" (unk.)
"On Fans and Fan Mail" (unk.)
"How I Write" (unk.)
"Garlic in Fiction" (unk.)

Mick Farren/Dennis Loren
Classic Rock Posters: Sixty Years of Posters and Flyers, 1952 to 2012 (2012)

Joe Hill (Joseph King)
The Fireman (2016)

Richard Lacayo/George Russell
Eyewitness: 150 Years of Photojournalism (1995)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater (1965)

Jim Krause
Layout Index (2001)

Beryl Evans (Stephen King)
Charlie the Choo-Choo (2016)

Stephen King
The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass (1997) ®

Legs McNeil/Gillian McCain
Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk (1996)

Colin Barrett
From Young Skins (2014)
"The Clancy Kid"
"Bait"
"The Moon"

Alex W. White
The Elements of Graphic Design: Space, Unity, Page Architecture and Type (2002)

Colin Barrett
From Young Skins (2014)
"Stand Your Skin"
"Calm With Horses"
"Diamonds"
"Kindly Forget My Existence"

Muriel Spark
The Driver's Seat (1970)

Karen Russell
From "Orange World" and Other Stories (2019)
"The Prospectors" (2015)
"The Bad Graft" (2014)
"Bog Girl" (2016)

William Carlsen
Jungle of Stone: The Extraordinary Journey of John L. Stephens and Frederick Catherwood and the Discovery of the Lost Civilization of the Maya (2016)

Edgar Allan Poe
"Review of Incidents of Travel in Egypt, Arabia Petraea and the Holy Land" (1837)
"Review of Incidents of Travel in Central America, Chiapas and Yucatán" (1841)

Karen Russell
From "Orange World" and Other Stories (2019)
"Madame Bovary's Greyhound" (2013)
"The Tornado Auction" (2017)
"Black Corfu" (2018)
"The Gondoliers" (2019)
"Orange World" (2018)

Beer and football IX — weeks sixteen and seventeen; playoffs, weeks one and two

Week sixteen
The game: Bills at Patriots
The beer: Revolution Fistmas Ale
The result: Win, 24–12

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Week seventeen
The game: Jets at Patriots
The beer: Wachusett Bella Czech Pilsner
The result: Win, 38–3

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Playoffs, week one (bye)
The beer: True North Northern Haze India Pale Ale

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Playoffs, week two
The game: Chargers at Patriots
The beer: Devil's Purse Surfman's Check Extra Special Bitter
The result: Win, 41–28

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The commentary: Scene from an orange Subaru en route to CCD two Sundays ago…

J: "Hey, there's football on today. Do you–"

G: "I love football!"

J: "I know! Do you want to watch a game with me later? It's not the Patriots, they're not playing this weekend, but it's still football."

G: "I think the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl."

J: "I hope you're right! Anyway, today the Los Angeles Chargers are playing the Baltimore Ravens–"

G: "I always think they're called the 'Crows' or something."

J: "Right. Those are similar birds. So the Chargers are playing the Ravens and the winner of that game will play the Patriots next weekend, and the winner of that game will go to the Super Bowl. The Ravens will probably be wearing black or purple today and the Chargers will be in white. They have cool lightning bolts on their helmets."

G: "When's the Super Bowl?"

J: "It's in like three weeks."

G: "And the Patriots are in the Super Bowl?"

J: "Well, we'll see, right?"

And now today, snowed in—iced in, really—and hoping we don't lose power. I'm afraid to shovel because I know it will be solid, heavy cement, procrastination driven by the fact that I haven't posted in almost a month. "Are you still writing your newsletter?" asked Hector over his espresso martini—"The waitresses always say it's their favorite drink"—while Ivan adjusted his reading glasses and I considered a second double-possessive "Devil's Purse Surfman's Check ESB" at Tavern in the Square last Friday. Hector called it a newsletter because he's one of the old men who once asked if there was a way to read my posts over email (subscribe yourself at right). "Not so much," I replied without elaborating: Trout Mask Replica did indeed wipe me out and, frankly, I'm capable of proper NFL analysis only when breaking down knockout-pool performances week to week. Otherwise it's all "This defense sucks" and "We are nothing without Brady." Who wants to read that? Who wants to read any of this? There's reason number three.

This afternoon, once I invent a chainsaw that can be used on frozen-over snow, I will sit down with G. (more or less) and watch several hours of excellent football. I'll root for the Saints ("the black team") though the Rams are fine too, with old friend Aqib Talib fucking up live television around the world—I wouldn't mind seeing him win another ring. Brandin Cooks, too. The Saints, though, there's this thing between them and the Pats as we take turns butting heads with the league and following achievement with arrogance (sort of backwards). They're a likable team of talented young players and veterans, top-tier fans and a lovely city that serves as the "before" picture to projectile-vomiting's "after." Who dat? Oh god, it's Rob Schneider.

And the second game? And the second game! I bought a Mean Old Tom stout and just discovered via the archives that I drank one last January. Drag. "Man, 'Mean Old Tom'? 'Mean Old Tom… Brady'? Next week's post writes itself!" Instead I'll return south of the border for a second Mexican stout of the season (the first turned out OK) that I found in my basement beer fridge the other night. It's from Clown Shoes and their season-opening entry also put one in the win column. Which reminds me, I have eight months to find a good diary-related remark to use for volume X of "beer and football" if I'm to continue next season, which is no guarantee. "The mirror tells me lies," lifted from Ozzy's "Diary of a Madman," was the ace in my pocket, the one to use after checking off several better ideas:

"What more is there that I can be?" (Franz Ferdinand's "Your Diary" from the B-side of You Could Have It So Much Better's lead single "Do You Want To")

"With a renewed vigor and enthusiasm not seen by many" (Black Flag's "Hollywood Diary" from Family Man)

"You know, he shaves his eyebrows" (the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion's extended hidden-track "Tour Diary" hodgepodge from Experimental Remixes)

"I chewed my fuckin' arm off and made an escape" (another "Diary of a Madman," this time from the Gravediggaz's 6 Feet Deep)

"The trick today will be to try to affect fate's great wheel" (Ian Svenonius as David Candy in "Diary of a Genius" from Play Power)

"It's not a diary, Norm, it's a journal" (a defensive Cliff Clavin, possibly misquoted, from (superior) late-era Cheers)

That's quite a list, following two years of generic "A seventeen-week diary (and hopefully longer)" and "Another season-long diary." Am I up to the challenge? Surely Ty Segall or back-to-back champion John Dwyer will include the word "diary" in one of the dozens of songs they each release this year. My inter-net future depends on it.

This post is already much longer than anticipated since the opening dialogue was to be all of it. I really do not want to go outside. And so: Pats–Chiefs preview.

In rewatching week six's game on the NFL Network last night I was surprised to see the Pats up by so much in the first half, assuming it was tight all the way through. Nope! For that reason I can see two results later today: Belichick and McDaniels trying again to go up early and—this time—never letting up, or Andy Reid and his crew deciding to fuck this and let Mahomes do his thing. The second option scares the shit out of me because, yes, this defense sucks. The first, though, can work: the opening, clock-killing drive against the Chargers last weekend was beautiful and if they can maintain that and keep the Chiefs defense on the field then I like our chances, either in touchdown-plus domination or (Reid)-clock-mismanagement squeaker. Otherwise, if Mahomes puts together The Best of Patrick Mahomes… So Far, I'm sorry to say it will be over early. Gilmore, Hightower and who else? Shudder.

No matter what, eight straight AFC championships is exactly as absurd as it sounds. And don't count them out next year, either, like you can maybe count out "beer and football" sans a good diary-related lyric. With Brady go all in a weak AFC East. Imagine if they really did film those practices? (Oh, Eric Dickerson, adjust your goggles!)

Up next: With Edelman likely neutralized I'm looking to James White, Sony Michel and Chris Hogan's cloak of invisibility to carry the load. But if melting snow and neutralizing a big freeze is your bag then anticipate a Gronk touchdown to close things out. See you in Atlanta? Happy (belated) new year!