Saturday, June 27, 2015

Beer and football V — playoffs, week five
Super Bowl XLIX
Part 2: You say there was a game?

The game: Patriots vs. Seahawks
The beer: (See part 1)
The result: Win, 28–24
The commentary: Specific memories of the play-by-play have fogged over but I can't exactly have a "part 1" without a "part 2" and maintain my dignity. Who am I, Remo Williams? Fingers crossed that my tee shirt design is chosen by PFW in Progress and I win a copy of the season's Three Games to Glory on Blu-ray. A fine refresher! Then I'll just have to buy a Blu-ray player, as an already-earned, shrink-wrapped, dusty copy of Help! awaits as well. "There's more here than meets the eye!" Except when there isn't. Here are some shitty Shaughnessy-esque bullet points regarding the greatest Super Bowl of all time.

It should have been roughing the kicker on Allen's punt after the Pats' first drive. Even Jon Spencer couldn't believe it. "Plant leg, babeh!" The good guys got away with something later on that I can't remember so it probably evens out. At the time though: "This shit?"

Vereen averaged fewer than six yards per catch and each of those plays possessed the excitement of a six-yard play. Important first downs, though I don't think he broke a single tackle—lots of scrubs throughout the league could have been as productive in that role, which can be said for most of his tenure here. Amendola is one of those scrubs and looked like a dynamic all-pro in comparison. (This is not homer-ism because I felt the same way before Vereen signed with the Giants. They can have Amendola too if they want.)

Al Michaels still doesn't know how to pronounce "Hooman." He must have the over.

Brady's pick in the end zone might have been the second-greatest contribution to the win. It sucked, but I was pleased with how he was moving the ball. Meanwhile, Lane's arm looked like was wrapped in a golf bag afterward.

"Are you hyped for halftime??" I skipped it live but did watch the second time around. Katy Perry justifies my standing as a twenty-plus-year popular-music divorcé. Anyone older than ten who genuinely or ironically enjoys her spectacle should, plainly, drop dead. Please note that I have seen Kiss in concert six times and will jump at the next opportunity.

It was likely part of the defensive scheme to contain Wilson but the Pats' pass rush was nonexistent in this game. It's been so frustrating to track the degradation since McGinest and Vrabel were killing it every week. Unless Chandler Jones makes a huge leap (which he would have by now if it were going to happen) or Jamie Collins evolves into an unstoppable X factor (don't rule it out) I will be terrified during every opposing pass play, especially in a year when we play the fucking Giants. (On that note, it's confusing why I'm the only person who thought Belichick's number one target in the post-Revis draft should have been a cornerback. Even if he had reached for Darryl Richard in the first round instead of the seventh I would feel a little better. Only since then has everyone recognized how bad this secondary has the potential to be. I know nothing about football.)

Remarkable what knowing the outcome does to a promising drive that ends in a turnover: "Fuck it."

LaFell's touchdown was fun all over. Perfect route, perfect throw, perfect celebration boogie.

That Dove for Men commercial was the biggest waste of all I hold dear as a father. The kid on the monkey bars nearly brought me to tears and it was just pitching deodorant?

Party-goers who don't watch for the game were also treated to The Rise and Fall of Men Who Buy Nissans in its entirety. "Son (Age 5)" is a shoe-in for best supporting. Good day for child actors!

Slight detour to the non-blogged draft: Shall we ponder ESPN's use of "Superfly" as a theme song during their coverage? "The aim of his role was to move a lot of blow." Hold on, I get it. I remember Boys Will Be Boys.

Plus a Deflategate sidestep: The fallout from what is likely a league-approved conspiracy will get worse before it gets better. Cockroaches dream of Goodell's resilience and any—any—outcome of this "independent appeal" of an "independent ruling" based on an "independent investigation" is possible. Hangings. Bowling tournaments. A full Misfits reunion. I still think Brady was in on it.

Back to it. Mark Wahlberg, Will Ferrell, Steven Tyler and Paul McCartney in attendance. I wonder if the last three are also trying to wipe clean their hate-crime convictions.

"Nice pass breakup by Logan Ryan to force a three-and-out," said no one ever.

I basically put my phone down during the closing minutes because a game that's been in the books for four months is still tough to watch. Uptight! Here is the shorthand: "Not again!" "Malcolm, go!" "Encroachment!" And then…


Indeed. Your New England Patriots are world champions.

Up next: We're on to 2015. G's jumper should still fit. Cheers!