Monday, August 27, 2012

Beer and football III — the all-important third preseason game

The game: Patriots somewhere
The beer: Anchor Porter
The result: Who cares
The commentary: Are you ready for some third-stringers? Then you're ready for preseason game three. Feel the heat!

I didn't pay much attention to the action. A. went out with some friends and G. was down for the night, so it was just me, some substandard Chinese food and the Anchor Porter that I didn't even finish before falling asleep myself. Here's what I remember.

The beer was good but not great. In January I bought a 365 Bottles of Beer for the Year calendar for fifty percent off at a Northshore Mall kiosk. (Dear producers of the 365 Bottles of Beer for the Year calendar: It's leap year, dammit! Sincerely, your mother.) I've been saving the "days" I'm interested in trying and at least a third of them are porters I'm much more excited about than Anchor's version here. It was increasingly not-great when I finished it yesterday afternoon. Flat city!

I don't know if Deion Branch, my daughter's favorite player, actually played Friday night. But I will stake my reputation as someone who tries really hard to use correct spelling and grammar while blogging about the Patriots and Nico and Cambridge and Newsweek and… anyway, Branch is making the team. I don't know what the hell the sports writers in this town (outside of the guys at PFW) are thinking.

Speaking of what the hell, I'm ready to welcome a team of retarded monkeys to take over for Ron Cricktee and Sandy Ross on the preseason broadcasts. I still don't know if it was rookie receiver Jeremy Ebert or rookie safety Nate Ebner they repeatedly referred to as "Eeber." Also, when introducing the starting lineup they must have said "Love, Jones" two or three times (referring to defensive linemen Kyle Love and Chandler Jones) without adding "What's happenin', baby? Did you miss me this weekend?" Assholes. Bruce over at Boston Sports Media Watch summed it up perfectly: "I felt really, really bad for Don Criqui last night. I lost track of the player misidentifications, the errors and just general confusion that was on display. It's time for the Krafts to make a move on their preseason telecasts." The only missed criticism was that Cross was almost as bad.

The backup quarterback situation? Thanks for asking! Hoyer and Mallett are both pretty bad, but you've gotta go with Mallett here. The post-Brady future surely isn't Hoyer and most likely isn't Mallett and there's a difference. So why not see what he can do? Besides, some desperate team is seconds away from packaging two first-round picks to acquire Hoyer via trade anyway. Football analysts are idiots.

That's enough. I mainly wrote this for the "Love Jones" joke.