Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Story number two

September 8, 1990

Dear producers of Big,
How are you? Wonderful! Where can I find a fortune-teller robot? I've some challenges to overcome. Please ship to this address.

Sincerely,
Charles Napier (not the actor)
984970-6


September 8, 1990

Dear Men's Adventure magazine,
Are x-ray specs real? Are they harmful to the people you look at? If not, do you know what is? Please advise.

Sincerely,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 8, 1990

Dear Rothberg,
I think they're reading my mail.

Please reach out to Jones for me. I didn't mean to strangle him. I certainly didn't mean to get caught. Har! Har! Please tell him that last part, so he gets the joke. Seriously, though, invisible wire is difficult to come by.

Not to be forgotten,
Charles Napier

P.S. Is the sun out today?

September 8, 1990

Dear Aubuchon Hardware,
Please supply me with limitless spools of invisible wire. I am writing a play and without levitating characters the story falls flat. Har! Har! I've no title yet.

Please deliver to my attention at the return address. They don't tell me what it is. I have money.

Sincerely,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 8, 1990

Dear "Jones,"
I am truly sorry.

"Charles"

September 10, 1990

Dear Rothberg,
It was nice of you to visit yesterday. Your necktie made a fine blindfold. I appreciate the books.

Have you heard from Jones?

With warm regards,
Charles

September 14, 1990

Dear "Jones,"
I have a plan that requires your cooperation. Please accept and acknowledge my apology! Do not let me down, old friend.

In desperation,
"Charles"

September 14, 1990

Dear Tom Wolfe,
I have just finished The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. Your discursive manner has inspired me to pursue a career as an editor. Har! Har!

I assure you I am highly qualified. Please scan the classifieds and send relevant clippings to my address. Also, can you write down my address for me? This would simplify future correspondence.

Sincerely,
Charles LaVandar Napier, MFA
984970-6

September 15, 1990

Dear Fortune magazine,
Hello. I am a wealthy industrialist and I would like to subscribe to your fine publication. You do print mailing addresses on the cover, correct?

Many thanks,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 15, 1990

Dear Vanity Fair magazine,
Hello. I am a wealthy man about town and I would like to subscribe to your fine publication. You do print mailing addresses on the cover, correct?

Many thanks,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 15, 1990

Dear Hustler magazine,
Hello. I am a wealthy pornography enthusiast and I would like to subscribe to your fine publication. You do print mailing addresses on the cover, correct?

Many thanks,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 16, 1990

Dear Entertainment Weekly magazine,
Hello. I am a wealthy American actor and I would like to subscribe to your fine publication. You do print mailing addresses on the cover, correct?

Many thanks,
Charles Napier (the actor)
984970-6

September 30, 1990

Dear Rothberg,
I have repeatedly failed to ascertain my location. Without a specific address my efforts are wasted. If only the guards allowed visitors to speak openly.

Nothing at all from Jones. He does not understand that treachery and attempted murder result in his still being alive. Har! Har!

Keep me in your thoughts--I long to breathe a free man's air.

Faithfully yours,
Charles

September 30, 1990

Dear Aubuchon Hardware,
I have yet to receive my spools of invisible wire. I would like to amend my order to include gardening shears, a watering can and six gallons of acid. Please expedite!

Awaiting satisfaction,
Charles Napier
984970-6

October 1, 1990

Dearest Rothberg,
No doubt my letter from yesterday has not yet arrived but you may ignore its pessimism. Sir, I have excellent news! Jones did indeed respond to my (and, certainly, your!) letter. His faculties are at last restored. Perhaps the delay was a blessing.

It seems my fretting over the address here was for naught! Jones has known very well my whereabouts since that wretched evening when I tried to squeeze the life out of betrayed a loyal companion. He has embraced the Good Book and is eager to forgive me. In person! Needless to say he will be "paying me a visit" soon.

Things are falling into place. In the meantime, have you interest in Hustler magazine?

Your friend,
Charles

October 8, 1990

Dear Aubuchon Hardware,
Curse you, gentlemen! I move tonight!

Charles Napier


January 20, 1991

Rothberg,
That bastard Napier screwed me again!

Jones
985205-1