Beer and football X — weeks seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen and fifteen
Week seven
The game: Patriots at Jets
The beer: Avery Ellie's Brown Ale
The result: Win, 33–0
Week eight
The game: Browns at Patriots
The beer: Lord Hobo Dark Lager
The result: Win, 27–13
Week nine
The game: Patriots at Ravens
The beer: Ipswich Chucktoberfest Lager
The result: Loss, 37–20
Week ten (bye)
The beer: Montauk Wave Chaser India Pale Ale
Week eleven
The game: Patriots at Eagles
The beer: True North Portolan Rye Porter
The result: Win, 17–10
Week twelve
The game: Cowboys at Patriots
The beer: Black Hog Granola Brown Ale
The result: Win, 13–9
Week thirteen
The game: Patriots at Texans
The beer: Notch Experimental Jet Set Pale Ale
The result: Loss, 28–22
Week fourteen
The game: Chiefs at Patriots
The beer: SoMe Whoopie Pie Stout
The result: Loss, 23–16
Week fifteen
The game: Patriots at Bengals
The beer: Notch Černé Pivo Black Lager
The result: Win, 34–13; Tommy, 8–2–0
The commentary: The 2019/2020/"X" edition of your New England Patriots is setting the standard for: 1) a winning team; 2) that is flawed; 3) had those flaws exposed during three ugly losses on national television; 4) thus providing "the blueprint" for other teams to similarly defeat them; 6) before running the table because those other teams are pretty lousy. The season is an unsettling one, not quite in the 2009 category (first-round blowout loss to the Ravens) but similar to 2010 (divisional-round stunner against the Jets). Can they win a playoff game? If the defense plays well and gives up, say, seventeen points, is the offense capable of scoring eighteen? Assuming the team wins out and locks in the second seed, they'll likely have to beat the Chiefs–Texans winner at home and then the Ravens in Baltimore. They're 0–3 against those teams so far this season and 10–0 against a bunch of bums—anything can happen, but I won't be pulling that fuzzy "I think the Pats take six of ten games against these guys" bullshit next month.
Takeaways from the second, abnormally long leg of the season:
Patriots at Jets
Undefeated-season talk was at an all-time high but I have no memory of the Jets game other than "I'm seeing ghosts," which is what I also see after not writing for two months. Sorry, reader (!), but it's looking like a single-digit post count for 2019.
Browns at Patriots
I met Ivan and Oskar at Lord Hobo in Woburn to make up for Mudhoney selling out their Allston show ahead of our "Hey, shouldn't we order tickets?" group text. The drive there sucked eggs and the rain (and resulting bumper-to-bumper "I forget how to drive in the rain!" absurdity that is Massachusetts) chased me off 128, leaving Google Maps in charge and a series of resident-traffic-only neighborhoods as a result. That flooded parking lot was a welcome sight and, yeah, rainstorms make for entertaining football. For those who care about approval from bartenders, my man celebrated consecutive dark lagers with "I can't believe this isn't more popular, it's the best beer we make." I beam with pride at the memory.
Patriots at Ravens
Not nearly as close as the score indicates, if seventeen-point losses can be considered close. The Pats had their chances but were completely outclassed—Oskar and I were texting as much to each other during the game: "This is sub optimal." "They should call the punch-out-the-ball defense." "Pissed Belichick face." "It's an old-fashioned hole-diggin'!" "Lamar who??" "Good Christ." "I guess we just have to watch every game at Lord Hobo from now on."
Patriots at Eagles
I await our LII banner.
Cowboys at Patriots
Seriously, 10–0 against a bunch of bums.
Patriots at Texans
I had a great "Up next" comment in mind for this one. Drag. Maybe I can break it out in the playoffs.
Chiefs at Patriots
This was another the Pats had a chance to win and make me feel dirty about. A rematch is inevitable, right? Can I call it a rematch, Fred?
Patriots at Bengals
And we're back! I feel better about the win than a lot of people around here but those thirty-four points are deceptive. Still, if N'Keal Harry can make a few meaningful catches in the remaining games then that can only help.
Randos:I would give up all five Devin McCourty interceptions if he could just make one contested tackle in a big spot. One.
"Maybe he and I should do a brewery tour together sometime." I really liked the Sanu (Sr.) trade at the time but it hasn't amounted to anything. I still feel better about it than I did when Antonio Brown came on board—talk about feeling dirty—and maybe his production will improve if Harry draws coverage. Besides, what has Belichick ever done with a second-round pick since 2000?
Adrian Klemm
Matt Light
Deion Branch
Eugene Wilson
Bethel Johnson
Marquise Hill
Chad Jackson
Terrence Wheatley
Patrick Chung
Ron Brace
Darius Butler
Sebastian Vollmer
Rob Gronkowski
Jermaine Cunningham
Brandon Spikes
Ras-I Dowling
Shane Vereen
Tavon Wilson
Jamie Collins
Aaron Dobson
Jimmy Garoppolo
Jordan Richards
Cyrus Jones
Duke Dawson
Joejuan Williams
I mean, look at that Richards–Jones–Dawson trifecta from 2016–2018. Look at it! All busts, all gone. Gimme a break. And Ras-I Dowling? And Ras-I Dowling! Belichick had a night to sleep on it and still drafted him with the thirty-third pick. He is a student of injury histories. Aside from Gronk and Light, a lot of the ones that kinda worked out did so in weird ways: Branch was a rare success at wide receiver and the MVP of Super Bowl XXXIX before holding out and forcing a trade to the Seahawks—he likely would have made a difference against the Colts in '06 and became G's favorite player when he returned four seasons later. Chung and Collins had to leave and come back before establishing themselves as good players. Vollmer played well but (like Gronk) missed his share of games and retired young. Garoppolo rode the bench and returned nothing in a seemingly desperate trade outside the conference. Wilson had cool dreadlocks. Hill died. I like the little I've seen of Williams but that cornerback success rate—Wheatley, Butler, Dowling, Jones, Dawson; holy living fuck—is null. At least Cunningham has led the league in sacks for seven of his ten years with the team and will be fitted for a gold jacket the minute he retires.
I've downgraded my exposure to the Around the NFL and Pardon My Take podcasts significantly this season. For the former, I basically love Marc, like Gregg, tolerate Dan and hate Chris. Episode length has bloated so it's the "flagship" recap show and nothing else, and not even that if Marc isn't around like this week. Enough. With Pardon My Take, I get that I'm forty-five and not the target audience, but their satire of macho culture runs so thick as to be credible. I'm all set with the dick jokes and gambling talk, not because I object to them from some moral high ground but because they're boring, the way listening to people talk about their fantasy teams is boring, the way that Howard Stern and Bill Simmons have grown boring. Old age is a bastard and it is, after all, "the golden age of content," so I'll stick with the well done "Fastest Two Minutes," pass on the rest and jump over to Stranglehold or The Allusionist.
Tommy won Survivor, huh? Weird conclusion to a weird season. Inappropriate touching; broken fourth walls; knocked-out statements that don't explain why harassing someone on the production staff is worse than harassing a series of players on camera; Dean graduating from bimbo to grinder to presumed sociopath; Noura doing unpredictable Noura things all along, to the point that everyone wanted to take her to the end because they knew she wouldn't get a single vote (wait, that one's normal); and the jury awarding a likeable guy who didn't achieve or impress much. He single-handedly voided the "value" of the season's conceptual theme of spending time with and learning from Sandra and Boston Rob by missing out on the chance and winning anyway. Island of the… What Now? But oh good, those two and eighteen others I didn't want to see again will be back for season forty, Jeff Probst's Wet Dream. My advice to future contestants will be to always watch the camera crew. What are they filming? Why did they point the camera at that tree stump for a second? And at my feet for a second while I stepped over that red board? And under the table during the challenge? Finding "hidden" immunity idols is de facto gamesmanship and producers want so badly for them to be found and played every episode that they're now painted blue and sprinkled with a bit of sand to disguise them. Failing that? Convince people that everything you stumble over is by design. It worked for Tommy.
Hey, everybody! It's Christmastime! Let's impeach the president and hope we're not forced to vote for Elizabeth Warren in November! Tuesday was the InterContinental VaGina party and I was looking at my watch by six thirty. Default beer options take a nosedive once you've eliminated Sam Adams from contention for political reasons—three substandard Harpoon IPAs in an hour (followed by one Coke and nothing else) strike all Harpoons from future consideration as well since I had the runs all Wednesday. Oh Edith, Get Me a Beer, Huh?1. Bob Rivers Comedy Corp. – The Twelve Pains of Christmas
I don't know if this was/is the countrywide smash it was/is around here since being released by WAAF personality Bob Rivers in 1987. Its comic brilliance is New England Decembers summed up in four minutes. Since I love listing and ranking things—Goodreads for the win—here are the best one-liners from each standout character:
Lights guy – "Now why the hell are they blinking??"
Hungover guy – "Haangovahs!" (times five)
Cards guy – "Yo ho! Thending Chrithmath cardth!"
In-laws lady – "She's a witch, I hate her!"
Salvation Army guy – "Chaaarrritieees!"
2. New Bomb Turks – Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)
Darlene Love's stone classic garners a more-or-less straightforward punk cover from everyone's favorite frat brothers. Preppie pretty boy Eric Davidson sings the genuine shit out of it and things remain unironic until F-bombs emerge during the "Runaround Sue" bridge. He was so goddamn charming at the Middle East, prancing around the small Upstairs space with that plastic smile, and I invite him to join Sanu and me on our brewery tour. We'll hire a driver and everything.
3. Sam Spence – Winter Icicles
From the sixth—sixth!—volume of Music From NFL Films. What's better than music from old NFL documentaries? Nothing. No music.
4. The City – Snow Queen
Zenith year! Featuring a pre-Tapestry Carole King.
5. George Stavis – Winterland Doldrums
Taken from an "American primitive guitar and banjo" compilation called The Thousand Incarnations of the Rose. Just a little pop ditty to close out, you know.
Up next: With kickoff minutes away, Bills Mafia is out of luck if they waited too long to order giant dildos from Amazon. Merry Christmas!
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