Beer and football V — the draft

The beer: Cambridge Spring Training India Pale Ale
The commentary: Another haircut, another draft. Another media blackout. And another-another haircut, as G. got her first ever this morning. She was so excited about it and wore a super serious face (pictured) for the first five minutes. It amounted to a trim, a cleanup, because her curls were getting out of control. Still, it's a big deal and I'm very proud of her. She was so good and patient.

Speaking of out of control, I had to take care of my own frizzy afro last night and didn't get home until after ten. I thought about firing up the recorded draft (the Pats, unless something happened, would not have been up yet at that point) but I was too tired, so I watched another episode of Breaking Bad, a series I'm glad to have finally started watching. Still on season three. No spoilers!

On that, let's press play and crack open a Spring Training IPA (pardon me?). I recorded the table-setting half-hour SportsCenter Special so I'll start with that. I am completely in the dark.

7:31
Some of the attending players are openly playing cards to pass the time until this gets started. Way to demonstrate your poise and self-awareness, fellas. Chris Berman can't help himself and says "There are a lot of aces backstage." Groan.

7:32
Ray Lewis in the house! I hope he gives a passionate speech after every pick. Mel Kiper comments that he predicted the Dolphins would take Lewis in the '96 draft instead of "his" Ravens (I recently read a feature on Kiper and he lives in Maryland). A genuinely interesting remark for this early. Will the entire evening be so enlightening?

7:33
Kiper's "elite seven" actually has seven players in it, unlike all of Mike Mayock's "top five" lists that have eight or nine.

7:34
Andy Hart, in a PFW in Progress podcast from a few weeks ago (I'm a little behind), said UCLA linebacker Anthony Barr could be the best player this draft produces due to his raw potential. He said if Barr slips to the teens then the Pats should trade up. He also likes strong safety Deone Bucannon out of Washington State. Those are two more opinions than I can form because I haven't seen one second of college football all year.

7:35
First example of ESPN's smoothness: Chris Mortensen tries to cut to Suzy Kolber and Berman appears instead, saying "Suzy will be with us later." All thirty players in attendance are being introduced onstage over a throbbing beat—I guess the individual "entrance music" comes later. That might be what I'm looking forward to the most—imagine how embarrassing it will be if two people pick "I've Been Fucking Your Daughters and Pissing on Your Lawn"? Also, what are the odds all thirty are drafted tonight?

7:41
Johnny Manziel is introduced. Just get drafted already.

7:43
A rumor popped up yesterday that the Pats were getting ready to deal Ryan Mallett to the Texans. Not sure if anything came of that (media blackout). I imagine it would be in some sort of package deal, and if he individually commands more than a seventh-round pick then I'll be happy. Every other idiot fan around here thinks he's worth at least a second-rounder because, apparently, quarterbacks with strong arms, poor accuracy and a handful of professional snaps can really turn a franchise around.

7:45
Sorry, I'm fast forwarding through this military/mothers/national anthem thing.

7:51
Berman, without a trace of humor in his voice: "Very soon we're going to hear from a Clowney and a Ha Ha. Maybe we'll have some moments of humor this evening." He's making a bunch of other bullshit metaphors and looking down at his notes every few seconds—even he knows he's just going through the motions. So much for enlightenment.

7:52
Ed Werder, once again in glorious low definition. Still convinced Sal-Pal is only a torso and a head, with someone lying down in front of him pretending to be his arms.

7:55
Jadeveon Clowney seems to be the consensus top player and he's getting equal billing with Manziel, who some people think might not get drafted until Friday.

7:56
I love these Domino's commercials. "We know we suck and we've been serving you crummy pizza for years, but give us another chance. Again. See you next year as we continue to toy with basic ingredients and still mess them up."

7:59
Kiper says "there's no other choice" for the Texans than Clowney. I have a feeling he's right. Jon Gruden says Manziel (weird). Lewis says Khalil Mack.

8:00
Manziel's toss through a tire swing in this opening segment looks like a duck. Excellent editing. And is this Aloe Blacc performing? "I Need a Dollar" was a good song. I'll leave it at that.

8:03
It's Van Hagar's "Right Now" again. Were these players even alive when this was a hit?

8:04
Jets fans booing Goodell. A tradition like no other. What pablum will he recite to turn them around this year? Even "…you, the fans" didn't go over well.

8:05
Texans on the clock. Ladies and gentlemen, David Carr!

8:07
Lewis is on fire. Great analysis (saying you need defense against division foe Indianapolis and Andrew Luck) in the opening minutes.

8:12
Lewis says you can't overdraft Manziel with the first pick just because you need a quarterback. If he was worthy of the first pick (like Luck two years ago) then he'd be the consensus first pick (like Luck two years ago). Still, Gruden isn't letting go of that bone.

8:14
Lewis: "You have to go defense here. Last year in the Super Bowl you saw one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time… but there was a defense that had the last say." He's carrying this thing so far.

8:15
The pick is in. "What??" It's Clowney. I can't hear his entrance music and doubt I would be able to identify it anyway. I wondered if they'd go with MTV-style credits. It's funny, I often have to watch Breaking Bad at a low volume so I don't wake up G. and the dialogue mix is so low, I usually just switch on closed captioning (why can't filmmakers ever get that mix right?). If a song plays over the soundtrack the caption will read (like it did last night) AMERICA'S "A HORSE WITH NO NAME" PLAYS. How many deaf people click over to iTunes upon reading that?

8:19
The cameraman isn't giving us a clear shot of Kolber. I'm guessing her HIV has gone full-blown. Clowney seems like a nice guy, what do I know.

8:27
I'm already sick of Gruden. I love how people still think he and Bill Cowher are viable coaching candidates.

8:28
Apparently the Rams just used the second pick on a guy they plan to play at guard. That's how they move up in last year's most competitive division?

8:33
Cut to the Blake Bortles draft party in Florida after the Jaguars picked him: haven't these leaping women heard of bras? I am outraged. Also, some woman is wearing a backpack in the crowded bar. Can security please have her killed?

8:34
Bills trade up! Welcome to fourth place, new guy.

8:36
They just showed the details of the Bills' trade with the Browns. The Bills got hosed—they moved up five spots in a "deep draft" that "isn't top-heavy" and they gave up their first-rounder next year, which will probably be in the top ten. Ralph Wilson cannot possibly have been the voice of reason in that organization. Seriously, new guy, you are fucked.

8:38
Sammy Watkins is the pick. He looks like the type of receiver who will give the Patriots fits and then sit on the sideline while Tom Brady leads another game-winning drive against Brandon Spikes.

8:42
The Raiders take Ray Lewis's guy Khalil Mack. Love those blue University of Buffalo uniforms.

8:50
The worst part of this broadcast every year is after the pick is in but before it's announced, and the goon squad has to fill time with conversation that can be cut off at any moment, so it usually consists of mumbled bullet points and long pauses. Even Lewis is struggling. As we wait for Goodell to stroll to the podium to announce the Falcons' pick Berman sees a fork in the road: to the left is anything coherent and to the right is "You know, the owner means business… you haven't seen that many Home Depots close, have you? So when he speaks, Arthur Blank, you listen!1" Berman bears right, Lewis chuckles nervously, Kiper shifts in his chair and Gruden stares at the paper in front of him with the frozen intensity of a Pigface album cover.

8:59
The Bucs take Mike Evans. I went to high school with that guy!

9:02
The Browns used a fifth-rounder to move from ninth to eighth. That tells me the Vikings weren't planning to take whoever the Browns want, which tells me the Browns should have stayed put. What do I know though, I'm drinking a baseball-themed beer out of a plastic cup to keep from spreading germs (I've been sick for a week).

9:04
They draft cornerback Justin Gilbert. The panel is stunned silent for a good six seconds.

9:11
There goes Anthony Barr.

9:13
Barry Sanders to announce the Lions' pick. He's also announcing a Madden commercial. Can someone lower the microphone for Barry? Anyway, the Lions take Eric Ebron, a tight end whom some linked to the Patriots. Kiper says he can't block and he lacks concentration, but can he shoot people to death?

9:22
The Titans draft Taylor Lewan, one of the two offensive tackles atop Kiper's "best available" list. He just gave the camera a perfectly insincere smile/thumbs up combination.

9:23
After eleven picks, Adam Schefter declares "the Johnny Manziel spiral has begun." He mustn't have seen the tire swing incident. Also, three players drafted so far were not in attendance. Do the math, backstage guys.

9:29
The Giants (shudder) draft wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. See you in the Super Bowl, Odell (shudder).

9:46
Yes, I'm jumping ahead. They're highlighting the 1974 Steelers' draft that produced Lynn Swann, Jack Lambert, John Stallworth, Mike Webster and me. My 2013/2014 playlist will be up within a couple of weeks. It's already compiled, I just have to write a few thousand more words. It's got three songs from 1974—quite a year!

9:50
Webcam Werder tells us the Cowboys might take Manziel, so everyone's trying to rationalize Jerry Jones using a thirteenth pick to draft a backup quarterback. Tony Romo is a bum, an aging and injured one, but it's clear he's the starter. Why bother?

9:53
They don't. There goes Kiper's other offensive tackle. Feel it! Manziel's girlfriend and her flowing locks wish they were home watching Grey's Anatomy.

10:00
The Ravens take linebacker CJ Mosley. "I'm Mosley!" Jets on the clock—I live for this.

10:18
The Jets take a safety and the Dolphins take an offensive tackle. Also known as second place and third place.

10:25
The Saints trade up to twenty. I'm running out of steam and so is the crowd. "With the twentieth pick in the 2014 NFL Draft… are you assholes still with me?" "What??"

10:29
After interviewing the Saints' pick, Kolber says "Happy Mother's Day to all the moms who help their sons get drafted in the first round." Or something to that effect.

10:34
The Packers select Alabama safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. I think he's finishing up that table's drink order.

10:41
Browns again! Traded with the Eagles. Gotta be Manziel, right? It's been two whole years since they drafted a quarterback in the first round, after all.

10:42
It's Manziel. His girlfriend's like "Don't worry, I recorded Grey's."

10:46
This guy's not even six feet tall?

11:07
"Wrangler Five Star Premium Denim jeans are built with a U-shaped construction. They don't cut into you like jeans with a V pattern. So go ahead, eat that last taco."

11:12
Derek Carr's niece is killing it in the Carr household. Choreography!

11:16
D'oh! The Cardinals take Bucannon. Gruden: "Well… he's a big hitter." That defense should make the NFC West even more interesting.

11:19
Pats on the clock!

11:20
This coverage would suck balls without Ray Lewis, talking now about how professional football created an opportunity for new Carolina receiver Kelvin Benjamin to escape some tough times. Hard not to appreciate Lewis's insight, given his history as someone who rolled over on two friends to get out of a murder charge. Seriously, though, he's been great tonight.

11:24
The pick is in! No trading out this year. Good thing I extended this recording until midnight. Notre Dame defensive end Stephon Tuitt is Kiper's fourth best and a lot of mocks had him slotted here.

11:25
Berman: "We're so used to them moving up or down out of this, I can't believe they're making a pick right where they belong!!1!1"

11:26
Jets fans: "Booooo!!!" It's defensive lineman Dominique Easley out of Florida, because we've had so much success drafting Gators. I'm not being fair because I know nothing about the player but what the fuck, Bill. Gruden starts with "If he gets healthy," which is exactly what you want to hear. "Big injuries," adds Kiper. "Two torn ACLs… durability is the reason I thought he'd be a second-/third-round pick at best." Lewis is trying to sell me on him but "he plays with a bunch of effort" isn't as comforting as the preferred "he plays with a bunch of talent." Another roll of the dice on a player with position flexibility, questionable production and durability concerns. See you in the playoffs.

11:37
Jesus, they just listed the Broncos' offseason additions on defense. DeMarcus Ware, Aqib Talib and T.J. Ward on top of Von Miller and Terrance Knighton. And Marquice Cole! I guess it's not that bad.

11:43
The champs trade out of the last pick of the night. Vikings again.

11:45
Teddy Bridgewater. Panel mentions that many people had him in the top five at one point but his offseason workouts were unimpressive. Offseason workouts hold that much weight over game film?

11:47
I wish they would reintroduce all the attendees who weren't drafted tonight. They can do the sad trumpet and everything.

11:48
Houston is on the clock! Should I start The Ten Commandments? Oh, Moses. Maybe next year. Round two coverage is starting soon anyway.