Monday, February 4, 2019
Saturday, February 2, 2019
Beer and football IX — playoffs, week four (bye)
The beer: Proclamation Derivative Vic Secret Pale Ale
The commentary: Some people lose front teeth. Others lose old blog posts. (Transition: smooth.) My relationship with the Biff! Bang! words you're reading is troubled, and if the Pats weren't such a goddamn winning machine I might have signed off altogether following the Beefheart crowning achievement. It's not too late for me? Are you sure?
Over the… thirteen? Years? Well there's your problem. Try writing anything for so long that even you'll be interested to read, never mind anyone else who stumbles across something thanks to a million-dollar marketing campaign. As such, if my math is correct, I've published and since disqualified more than two dozen posts, ranging from three-word Meryl Streep hate crimes to multi-paragraph sob stories about a fickle college friend. Lots of anger in there. Why were these and others killed off at the expense of, I don't know, "Tomatoes, strangely"? Let's see.
Tuesday, August 9, 2005
"Trucker tan"
A bad joke about my pale upper arm and sunburned lower arm resembling the Polish flag. This was the birth of quick sizzle. Next.
Monday, August 15, 2005
"Too early?"
If calculating magic numbers for the defending-world-champion Boston Red Sox is your thing—in August—then look no further. Blogger was clearly my new toy since I posted eleven times that first month. Maybe more.
Thursday, September 8, 2005
"Let's do this"
Excitement over the upcoming NFL season. Note to 2005 self: the Pats won't win another title for ten years. Also, your cat died the day after the Broncos knocked out the Pats. That sucked worse. Somewhere in here I started a second blog (!) called "Bring Back Pat," to be devoted to musings about my preference for the old Pat Patriot logo and the red uniforms and pants. I never posted a thing there and deleted it soon after, so "bringbackpat.blogspot.com" is again available as a domain for you old-school fans.
Friday, September 23, 2005
"Flipping and flopping"
A shameful display of misogyny that began by asking, literally, "What's with all these women wearing flip-flops to work?" before concluding "If your left foot says flip and your right says flop then you're wearing flip-flops, sister." You will one day have a daughter, you smug asshole!
Friday, October 7, 2005
"Johnny Miller, are you paying attention?"
I don't get the Johnny Miller joke—maybe check the Fire Joe Morgan archives for context—but I basically retweeted Dan Shanoff's quote about Jason Giambi's AL Comeback Player of the Year award: "Something seems wrong about rewarding a guy for a 'comeback' that only happened because he hit rock bottom after he stopped cheating." Good stuff, but not mine.
Friday, October 14, 2005
"Pleated pants, Cambridge bicyclists and Tim McCarver must be stopped"
Another (doubtlessly) Fire Joe Morgan-inspired head-scratcher that was all about the headline. But I had a point. Three of them!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
"To my reader"
An apology "for giving such short shrift to my blog lately" and the origin of an ongoing I-only-have-one-reader gag, which is no gag at all. "So stay tuned for the continuing saga of what's right about psychedelic music, what's wrong about the People's Republic and some stuff in between (hopefully Syd Barrett emerging from self-imposed exile to lay waste to Porter Square)." Hawkwind would have played better there.
Thursday, March 9, 2006
"ABC is continually jerking me around"
An entitled primal scream about a lack of new Lost episodes. Nice insight, though, about endless reruns "stealing Wednesday nights from me and my attention span." The nascent Lower Galactic Biffy Council Strongman Jarrod P. Biffington (Jr.) is in there somewhere.
Monday, April 3, 2006
"Already?"
In which I take issue with DJ Gallo's use of "finally" and "all Winter long" in anticipation of baseball's weren't-we-just-here return. "I'm the first to admit that when it comes to the Red Sox, I am one hundred percent content with the 2004 championship." Three championships later and I'm still content with 2004: "The Red Sox became The Red Sox, Inc. sometime in the last seventeen months, and pardon me if I'd rather root for a bunch of idiots. So here's hoping the Cubs fire their barber." That's when baseball lost me.
Tuesday, May 2, 2006
"Why Bill Belichick is the coolest"
Another retweet: "If [Doug Flutie] wants to come back, is the door open?" "Why don't we get a list of hypothetical questions so we can go through them one through five?"
Thursday, May 18, 2006
"Blame it on the wife"
The "switching over to a new email application (Mozilla Thunderbird, which is pretty good so far)" introduction is 2006 in a bottle, just as the distasteful melodrama that follows is early-thirties frustration. It amounts to an extended low blow targeting someone who didn't deserve it, lightened only by an aside about visiting Long Island, hearing someone order a Long Island iced tea and joking "Can't you just say 'iced tea' down here?" It fell flat. A lot of these discarded posts did.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
"'His homer, which came when the score was 9 to 1…'"
The New York Daily News mourns the unrealized Manny/A-Rod trade.
Friday, May 26, 2006
"Yes!"
A puzzling shout-out to the makers of PowerAde: "Thanks to your ergonomically designed finger grooves, I managed to make it through my entire lunch without dropping the bottle. Not once!" No wonder my productivity didn't evolve that temp job to perm.
[Scene missing]
There has to be an old June 2006 post that I can't account for since I had an OCD thing early on about posting at least once a month, even if there was nothing of value to write. Like…
Saturday, July 29, 2006
"The hating of a movie in three words"
"Screw you, Prada!" I don't know, that's pretty good.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
"Vanity in a never-ending battle against itself"
More misogyny, this time criticizing women who apply make-up during their subway commutes.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
"Happy Halloween, Tiki Barber"
I guess Tiki made a lot of noise with an advanced retirement announcement? Who cares. I read too much Bill Simmons back then.
Monday, November 13, 2006
"The smallest surprise in the world"
"Not due to the fact that [Tower Records] is closing [but rather] that a chain charging $18.99 a pop for thirty-five minutes of music has been able to exist at all."
Monday, December 18, 2006
"I'm back y'all"
I was away?
Sunday, January 21, 2007
"Go Bears"
"Goddammit." Goddammit.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
"Someone's had too much to think"
My first collection of half-baked things I think I think (as if today's doesn't lean on things I think I thought): plans to review old mixtapes (this happened, though not in series form); Peter King's subpar editor (handled much better two years later—that was a lot of fun); early kowtowing to Sleater-Kinney's The Woods; a stack of old issues of Newsweek I was determined to get through, not yet realizing that they obscured several overdue bills; vague shock-and-awe praise for 24, a show I would watch with more… cynicism… nowadays; a tired attack on Al Gore and the self-congratulating Oscars for their vulgar waste of money and resources ("can't they just send the winners an email?"); a related admission that "I didn't think The Departed was very good"; another shot at the overrated Meryl Streep, who "is so smug I want to write a check in her name and send it along with a subscription form to the New York Post, and then have that check bounce"; and a cheesy wedding-related wink for the benefit of my (then) fiancée, who hasn't read me for years. You don't know what you're missing, babe.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
"Fear"
Hand-ringing over a desire to mess with my HTML template. First-world problems.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
"As in the cereal"
From the back of a truck: "Would you like a case of Honey Bunches of Oats?"
Friday, September 14, 2007
"Good luck with that thirty-second pick"
A balanced and reasonable response to Spygate justice.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
"A nugget"
Mike Vrabel gave zero fucks about Don Shula's opinion regarding the Patriots' so-far undefeated season. "Hosannah!"
Thursday, November 8, 2007
"Don't let the door yadda yadda yadda"
Who the hell is Eric Gagne?
Monday, August 18, 2008
"That's right, the Mascara Snake!"
An early Trout Mask Replica draft?? No, just another apology to my reader(s). I also labeled Brett Favre a "dirty ballsack" for some reason.
Friday, September 12, 2008
"Changing one's mind on short notice"
Gather round the fireplace for this tale of a Cambridge-type woman offering her Red Line seat to an elderly gentleman and then yelling at everyone else for not doing the same. "PS: The live version of 'Time We Left This World Today' from Space Ritual, Vol. 2 outlasted my entire ride."
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
"Maybe I should force-justify all my post titles because that looks real sharp"
Saving the best for last: "You dirty rat cocksuckers!" The imposter blog is long dead and I might have to restore this one.
So there we have the salvaged fruit from a smoldering wasteland, unsafe to consume but, you know, there for emergencies, because twelve-thousand-word coming-of-age essays aren't enough to pass the time. But what about the stuff that never progressed from an unformatted TextEdit file to the publicly available ones and zeroes of our vast inter-net? There wasn't much to find—three in all—and some portion(s) might eventually be "developed" as did Beefheart. The first example is "Calling the race: Ty Segall's Emotional Mugger," in which I planned to declare early on that the subject would be the best album of a young 2016:
"My family and I visited Portsmouth on January 23 of this year. It was a Saturday and we got a parking ticket. Drag. Let's seek retail therapy at Bull Moose—I still had store credit from CD sales and that shit burns, so what to buy? And, lo, a new Ty Segall album! Where does he find the time?"
I foresaw an opportunity to defend how often I revisit my continuing adventures based on new discoveries and changing tastes. It remains a good idea. Up next is a third short story entitled "Trial Size." There is a beginning, an abrupt ending and no middle whatsoever:
"Jonathan-Jacob Splettshoesser had a large name and and a small skull. His skull wasn't so small—except to you and me—as much as it was in perfect proportion to his small body. His hands, too, were small. His hair. His lungs. He even produced small things, like handwriting and ideas and waste."
I have in mind another story about a fictional sixties/seventies/eighties band named Beard. It will be more of a Photoshop project in which I relate their history by doctoring celebrated album covers. Completion percentage: zero. Motivation/initiative: zero. Lastly, here's a presumed fragment (and image) from 2013 that may have pointed toward a pronounced enthusiasm for the half-hour live version of "Soup" from the fortieth-anniversary reissue of Can's Tago Mago. In its entirety and, yes, beginning with "Also":
"Also, look at Jaki's simple drum kit pictured in the reissue cover above."Fin. I probably figured to riff on bad, overblown drummers like Peter Criss and Neil Peart. Take that, nerds!
As for LIII, the Patriots are playing in their eleventh Super Bowl of my lifetime, their ninth of the Brady–Belichick era, their fifth in G's lifetime and their fourth in the last five years. How's everybody feeling?
"I'm feeling pretty good."
Danilchuk Auto Body
January 29, 2019
I agree and with a high level of confidence. Just like last year! Alas, a year-old Facebook post emerges: "As a football fan I want a Pats–Saints Super Bowl. As a Pats fan I want Brady–Foles or Brady–Keenum." Thanks for the humbling reminder, you data-mining monster. Someone's had too much to think.
Up next: Hotlanta. Go Pats!
Saturday, January 26, 2019
Beer and football IX — playoffs, week three
AFC Championship
The game: Patriots at Chiefs
The beer: Clown Shoes La Bestia Furiosa Mexican-Style Imperial Stout
The result: Win, 37–31
The commentary: At eighty-eight miles per hour we copyedit last week's thrilling conclusion: "With Edelman likely unsuccessfully neutralized I'm looking to James White, Sony Michel and Chris Hogan's cloak of invisibility impressive athleticism and hands to carry the load. (Don't forget the Rex Burkhead widow maker!) But if melting snow and neutralizing a big freeze is your bag then anticipate a classic Gronk touchdown performance to close things out. See you in Atlanta?!1
And so it's time to beat LA again. Sorry, "Beat LA®" again. Counting proper championships and not, you know, divisional-round wins against San Diego expats, this will be the seventh such contest in my lifetime of big-four-sports fandom, finally checking off the NFL box. Note one instance of regional treason:
Celtics vs. Lakers – 1984 / 1985 / 1987 / 2008 / 2010
Canadiens vs. Kings – 1993
Red Sox vs. Dodgers – 2018
Patriots vs. Rams – (not so fast)
I have few memories of those early Celtics series aside from '86 against the Rockets and therefore didn't experience a conscious, real-time win against the Lakers until the '07/'08 run. That's when Hector, Ivan, Oleg and I were kicked out of the Winking Lizard in suburban Cleveland once they closed at goddamn nine o'clock in the middle of Sunday night's (losing) game five. Habs–Kings put a fine Patrick Roy-emblazoned stamp on my freshman year of college—I didn't own a TV and had to watch in the dorm's "common area," subjecting a greasy flow of Stone Temple Pilots enthusiasts to my lonely triumph. During the semi-finals a friend got pissy with me because I refused a bet—he wanted to take the field against my Habs but wouldn't give me odds. Right. In retrospect that pizza would have hit the spot. And the Sox in October? I'm back to remembering only three players from the team. Bandwagon needs an oil change.
Fourth on the list, shall it earn a green 2019? (Or is it 2018/2019? These are the problems I create for myself.) The Chiefs win was encouraging and seems to have erased all doubt around here, solving the sputtering-offense, can't-beat-top-teams and can't-win-on-the-road concerns. The defense? Eh, what are you gonna do. Mahomes is the real deal and fun to watch so that first-half shutdown was rewarding even if everything did follow the week-six blueprint. And then? And then! "Tails never fails but heads never deads." I—we—could really use a comfortable blow-out victory next weekend. The smallest violin.
Not to sprain my own arm but I did a good job summarizing Patriots achievement and appreciation in last year's post-AFC Championship glow: "When the end comes it will do so swiftly and never be assumed. It will be witnessed. Everyone will have kept watching, maybe even Mark Wahlberg, and it will be tragic (for some) or wonderful (for most), a moment marked by zeros on the clock. Zeros. Good luck, NFL." I wasn't always so sound, so concise, so poetic an inter-net darling. Sometimes I wrote of cereal and footwear. I smell a bye-week project…
Up next: Sheesh, another bye week? I guess it's better than another bye postseason, right Pittsburgh? Cheers!
Andy Dufresne and Anatoli Boukreev walk into a bar
Updated: January 1, 2020
Continuing, for some reason, to chronicle every book and short story I've read since The Lord of the Rings in the Spring of 2017.
Part 1 (2017) | Part 2 (2018) | "Selected readings from the Old Lady Book Club"
Critical remarks are avoided…
Rereads coopt the register-mark symbol…
"Library Book Club" selections are noted in red to represent the spectre of death.
"CSGNFBØQEBCBBL" selections are noted in blue to represent the suffocation that is professional networking.
Denis Johnson
"The Starlight on Idaho" (2018)
Elizabeth Strout
Anything Is Possible (2017) 👍
John Cleese
So, Anyway… (2014)
Philip K. Dick
"The Days of Perky Pat" (1963)
"Precious Artifact" (1964)
"A Game of Unchance" (1964)
Agatha Christie
Murder on the Orient Express (1934)
Philip K. Dick
"Faith of Our Fathers" (1967)
"The Electric Ant" (1969)
"A Little Something for Us Tempunauts" (1974)
"Rautavaara's Case" (1980)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"Preface to Welcome to the Monkey House" (1968)
"You've Never Been to Barnstable?" a.k.a. "Where I Live" (1964)
Philip K. Dick
"The Exit Door Leads In" (1979)
"Frozen Journey" (1980)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"Harrison Bergeron" (1961)
Katy Tur
Unbelievable: My Front-Row Seat to the Craziest Campaign in American History (2017) 👍
Jeffrey Eugenides
Middlesex (2002) 👍
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"My Name Is Everyone," a.k.a. "Who Am I This Time?" (1961)
"Welcome to the Monkey House" (1968)
"Long Walk to Forever" (1960)
"The Foster Portfolio" (1951)
Owen Beattie/John Geiger
Frozen in Time: The Fate of the Franklin Expedition (1987/2017 revision)
Fiona Davis
The Address (2017) 👎
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"Miss Temptation" (1956)
Shirley Jackson
From Come Along With Me (posth.)
"Biography of a Story" (1960)
Frederic Brown
"Hall of Mirrors" (1953)
"Keep Out" (1954)
Charlotte Perkins Gilman
"The Yellow Wall-Paper" (1892)
Wes Moore
The Other Wes Moore: One Name, Two Fates (2010) 👎
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"All the King's Horses" (1951)
Shirley Jackson
From Come Along With Me (posth.)
"The Night We All Had Grippe" (1952)
"Experience and Fiction" (1958)
"Notes for a Young Writer" (1962)
Eugene Burdick/Harvey Wheeler
Fail-Safe (1962)
Ambrose Bierce
"An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" (1890)
Shirley Jackson
From Come Along With Me (posth.)
"Janice" (1938)
"Tootie in Peonage" (1942)
"A Cauliflower in Her Hair" (1944)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Mother Night (1962)
Andre Dubus III
Townie (2011) 👍
Henry James
The Turn of the Screw (1898/1908 revision)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"Tom Edison's Shaggy Dog" (1953)
"The Random House Dictionary," a.k.a. "New Dictionary" (1966)
"Next Door" (1955)
"More Stately Mansions" (1951)
Norm Macdonald
Based on a True Story (2016)
Ian McEwan
Nutshell (2016)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"The Hyannis Port Story" (1963)
"DP" (1953)
"Report on the Barnhouse Effect" (1950)
"The Euphio Question" (1951)
"Go Back to Your Precious Wife and Son" (1962)
Shirley Jackson
From Come Along With Me (posth.)
"I Know Who I Love" (1946)
"The Beautiful Stranger" (1946)
"The Summer People" (1950)
"The Island" (1950)
"The Lovely House," a.k.a. "A Visit" (1952)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"Deer in the Works" (1955)
"The Lie" (1962)
"Unready to Wear" (1953)
"The Kid Nobody Could Handle" (1955)
Shirley Jackson
From Come Along With Me (posth.)
"Come Along With Me" (1965)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"The Manned Missiles" (1958)
"EPICAC" (1950)
"Adam" (1954)
Erik Larson
Dead Wake: The Last Crossing of the Lusitania (2015) 👍
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Welcome to the Monkey House (1968)
"Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow" (1961)
Shirley Jackson
From Come Along With Me (posth.)
"The Rock" (1951)
"A Day in the Jungle" (1952)
"Pajama Party" (1963)
"Louisa, Please Come Home" (1960)
"The Little House" (1964)
"The Bus" (1965)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Bagombo Snuff Box (1999)
"Introduction to Bagombo Snuff Box" (1999)
Arundhati Roy
The God of Small Things (1997) 👎
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Bagombo Snuff Box (1999)
"Thanasphere" (1950)
"Mnemonics" (1951)
"Any Reasonable Offer" (1952)
"The Package" (1952)
"The No-Talent Kid" (1952)
"Poor Little Rich Town" (1952)
"Souvenir" (1952)
"The Cruise of the Jolly Roger" (1953)
"Custom-Made Bride" (1954)
"Ambitious Sophomore" (1954)
"Bagombo Snuff Box" (1954)
"The Powder-Blue Dragon" (1954/1999 revision)
"A Present for Big Nick," a.k.a. "A Present for Big Saint Nick" (1954)
Liu Cixin
The Three-Body Problem (2008/2014 translation)
Shirley Jackson
From Let Me Tell You (posth.)
"Paranoia" (c. 1942)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Bagombo Snuff Box (1999)
"Unpaid Consultant" (1955)
"Der Arme Dolmetscher" (1955)
"The Boy Who Hated Girls" (1956/1999 revision)
"This Son of Mine" (1956) ®
"A Night for Love" (1957)
Stephen King
From Different Seasons (1982)
Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption ®
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Bagombo Snuff Box (1999)
"Find Me a Dream" (1961)
"Runaways" (1961)
"2 B R 0 2 B" (1962) ®
"Lovers Anonymous" (1963)
"Hal Irwin's Magic Lamp" (1957/1999 revision)
"Coda to My Career As a Writer for Periodicals" (1999)
Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"All I Can Remember" (unk.)
"The Smoking Room" (unk.)
"I Don't Kiss Strangers" (unk.)
Stephen King
From Different Seasons (1982)
Apt Pupil ®
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Armageddon in Retrospect (posth.)
"Dear People" (1945)
"At Clowes Hall, Indianapolis" (2007)
"Wailing Shall Be in All Streets" (unk.)
"Great Day" (unk.)
"Guns Before Butter" (unk.)
"Happy Birthday, 1951" (unk.)
"Brighten Up" (unk.)
"The Unicorn Trap" (unk.)
"Unknown Soldier" (unk.)
"Spoils" (unk.)
"Just You and Me, Sammy" (unk.)
"The Commandant's Desk" (unk.)
"Armageddon in Retrospect" (unk.)
Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"Summer Afternoon" (unk.)
"Indians Live in Tents" (unk.)
"The Very Hot Sun in Bermuda" (unk.)
"Nightmare" (unk.)
"Dinner for a Gentleman" (unk.)
"Party of Boys" (unk.)
"Jack the Ripper" (unk.)
Kirstin Downey
The Woman Behind the New Deal: The Life of Frances Perkins, FDR's Secretary of Labor and His Moral Conscience (2009) 👍
Franz Kafka
The Metamorphosis (1915/2002 translation)
Andy Weir
The Martian (2011)
"How Science Made Me a Writer" (2014)
"Diary of an AssCan" (2015)
Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"The Honeymoon of Mrs. Smith" (unk.)
"The Mystery of the Murdered Bride" (unk.)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Look at the Birdie (posth.)
"Dear Miller" (1951)
Shirley Jackson
We Have Always Lived in the Castle (1962)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Look at the Birdie (posth.)
"Confido" (unk.)
"Fubar" (unk.) ®
"Shout About It From the Housetops" (unk.)
Ed Luby's Key Club (unk.)
Stephen King
From Different Seasons (1982)
The Body ®
The Breathing Method
Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"The Sister" (unk.)
"Arch-Criminal" (unk.)
"Mrs. Anderson" (unk.)
"Come to the Fair" (unk.)
"Portrait" (unk.)
"Gnarly the King of the Jungle" (unk.)
"The Good Wife" (unk.)
"Devil of a Tale" (unk.)
"The Mouse" (unk.)
"My Grandmother and the World of Cats" (unk.)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Look at the Birdie (posth.)
"A Song for Selma" (unk.)
"Hall of Mirrors" (unk.)
"The Nice Little People" (unk.)
"Hello, Red" (unk.)
Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"Maybe It Was the Car" (unk.)
"Lovers Meeting" (unk.)
"My Recollections of SB Fairchild" (unk.)
"Deck the Halls" (unk.)
"Lord of the Castle" (unk.)
"What a Thought" (unk.)
"When Barry Was Seven" (unk.)
"Before Autumn" (unk.)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Look at the Birdie (posth.)
"Little Drops of Water" (unk.)
"The Petrified Ants" (unk.)
"The Honor of a Newsboy" (unk.)
Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"The Story We Used to Tell" (unk.)
"My Uncle in the Garden" (unk.)
"On the House" (1943)
"Little Old Lady in Great Need" (1944)
"When Things Get Dark" (1944)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From Look at the Birdie (posth.)
"Look at the Birdie" (unk.)
"King and Queen of the Universe" (unk.)
"The Good Explainer" (unk.)
Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"Whistler's Grandmother" (1945)
"Family Magician" (1949)
Bjørnstjerne Bjørnson
"The Father" (1860/1881 translation)
Jon Krakauer
Into Thin Air (1997) ® 👍
"Postscript to Into Thin Air" (1999)
Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"The Wishing Dime" (1949)
"About Two Nice People" (1951)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
"The Big Space Fuck" (1972)
"Atrocity Story" (unk.)
"Eden by the River" (unk.)
"Between Timid and Timbuktu" (unk.)
"Rome" (unk.)
"Miss Snow, You're Fired" (unk.)
"Paris, France" (unk.)
"The City" (unk.)
"Sucker's Portfolio" (unk.)
"The Drone King" (unk.)
"Requiem for Zeitgeist" (unk.)
"And on Your Left" (unk.)
Shirley Jackson
From Just an Ordinary Day (posth.)
"Mrs. Melville Makes a Purchase" (1951)
"Journey With a Lady" (1952)
"The Most Wonderful Thing" (1952)
"The Friends" (1953)
"Alone in a Den of Cubs" (1953)
"The Order of Charlotte's Going" (1954)
"One Ordinary Day, With Peanuts" (1955)
"The Missing Girl" (1957)
"The Omen" (1958)
"Strangers in Town," a.k.a. "The Very Strange House Next Door" (1959)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From While Mortals Sleep (posth.)
"Jenny" (unk.)
"The Epizootic" (unk.)
"Hundred-Dollar Kisses" (unk.)
"Guardian of the Person" (unk.)
"With His Hand on the Throttle" (unk.)
"Girl Pool" (unk.)
"Ruth" (unk.)
Andrew Schulman
Waking the Spirit: A Musician's Journey Healing Body, Mind and Soul (2016)
Shirley Jackson
"A Great Voice Stilled" (1960)
"All She Said Was Yes" (1962)
"Home" (1965)
"IOU" (1965)
"The Possibility of Evil" (1965)
"Fame" (1948)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From While Mortals Sleep (posth.)
"While Mortals Sleep" (unk.)
"Out, Brief Candle" (unk.)
"Tango" (unk.)
"Bomar" (unk.)
"The Man Without No Kiddleys" (unk.)
Diane Ackerman
The Zookeeper's Wife (2007) 👍
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
From While Mortals Sleep (posth.)
"Mr. Z" (unk.)
"$10,000 a Year, Easy" (unk.)
"Money Talks" (unk.)
"The Humbugs" (unk.)
HP Lovecraft
"Nyarlathotep" (1920)
"Polaris" (1920)
"The Statement of Randolph Carter" (1920)
"From Beyond" (1934)
"The Temple" (1925)
"The Other Gods" (1933)
"The Hound" (1924)
"The Unnamable" (1925)
"He" (1926)
"In the Vault" (1925)
"The Descendant" (c. 1927)
"The Book" (1933)
"The Very Old Folk" (1927)
"The Lurking Fear" (1923)
"The Horror at Red Hook" (1927)
"The Thing on the Doorstep" (1937)
Herbert West—Reanimator (1922)
Philip K. Dick
The Man in the High Castle (1962)
HP Lovecraft
The Shunned House (1924)
"The Silver Key" (1929)
Agatha Christie
From "The Witness for the Prosecution" and Other Stories (1948)
"Traitor's Hands," a.k.a. "The Witness for the Prosecution" (1925)
"The Red Signal" (1924)
"The Fourth Man" (1925)
"SOS" (1926)
"Wireless," a.k.a. "Where There's a Will" (1926)
"The Mystery of the Blue Jar" (1924)
Henry Rollins
Get in the Van: On the Road With Black Flag (1994/2004 revision)
Agatha Christie
From "The Witness for the Prosecution" and Other Stories (1948)
"Sing a Song of Sixpence" (1929)
"Mr. Eastwood's Adventure" (1924)
"Philomel Cottage" (1924)
"The Uncrossed Path," a.k.a. "Accident" (1929)
"The Second Gong" (1932)
Oscar Wilde
The Picture of Dorian Gray (1890)
Carl Bernstein/Bob Woodward
All the President's Men (1974) 👍
"Afterword to All the President's Men: Marking the Fortieth Anniversary of Watergate" (2012)
Shirley Jackson
From Let Me Tell You (posth.)
"Still Life With Teapot and Students" (unk.)
"The Arabian Nights" (unk.)
"Mrs. Spencer and the Oberons" (unk.)
"It Isn't the Money I Mind" (1945)
"Company for Dinner" (unk.)
"I Cannot Sing the Old Songs" (unk.)
Ottessa Moshfegh
McGlue (2014)
Shirley Jackson
From Let Me Tell You (posth.)
"The New Maid" (unk.)
"French Is the Mark of a Lady" (unk.)
"Gaudeamus Igitur" (unk.)
[A third year with the Ladies, thought to have expired in August, instead continues at a more relaxed pace as I anticipate six skipped titles after only two and then two more (Jhumpa Lahiri's The Lowland and Chris Bohjalian's Before You Know Kindness last season). "One book" abounds…]
David Sheff
Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction (2008) 👍
"Afterword to Beautiful Boy: Hope for an Addicted Nation" (2009)
"New Afterword to Beautiful Boy" (2018)
The Jesus Lizard
Book (2014)
Shirley Jackson
From Let Me Tell You (posth.)
"The Lie" (unk.)
"She Says the Damnedest Things" (unk.)
"Remembrance of Things Past" (unk.)
Jimmy Page
Jimmy Page (2014)
Shirley Jackson
From Let Me Tell You (posth.)
"Let Me Tell You" (unk.)
"Bulletin" (1954)
"Family Treasures" (unk.)
"Showdown" (unk.)
"The Trouble With My Husband" (unk.)
"Six AM Is the Hour" (unk.)
"Root of Evil" (1953)
"The Bridge Game" (unk.)
"The Man in the Woods" (unk.)
"Autobiographical Musing" (unk.)
"A Garland of Garlands" (unk.)
"Hex Me, Daddy, Eight to the Bar" (unk.)
Georgia Hunter
We Were the Lucky Ones (2017) 👍
Autumn de Wilde
Elliott Smith (2007)
Shirley Jackson
From Let Me Tell You (posth.)
"Clowns" (1949)
"A Vroom for Dr. Seuss" (unk.)
"Notes on an Unfashionable Novelist: Samuel Richardson, 1689–1761" (unk.)
"Private Showing" (unk.)
"Good Old House" (1952)
"The Play's the Thing" (unk.)
"The Ghosts of Loiret" (unk.)
"Well?" (unk.)
"The Sorcerer's Apprentice" (unk.)
"Period Piece" (unk.)
"4-F Party" (unk.)
"The Paradise" (unk.)
"Homecoming" (1945)
"Daughter, Come Home" (1944)
"As High as the Sky" (unk.)
"Murder on Miss Lederer's Birthday" (unk.)
"Here I Am, Washing Dishes Again" (unk.)
"In Praise of Dinner Table Silence" (1960)
"Questions I Wish I'd Never Asked" (1961)
"Mother, Honestly!" (1959)
"How to Enjoy a Family Quarrel" (1957)
"The Pleasures and Perils of Dining Out With Children" (1957)
"Out of the Mouths of Babes" (1960)
"The Real Me" (unk.)
"On Girls of Thirteen" (unk.)
"What I Want to Know Is, What Do Other People Cook With?" (1961)
"About the End of the World" (unk.)
"Memory and Delusion" (unk.)
"On Fans and Fan Mail" (unk.)
"How I Write" (unk.)
"Garlic in Fiction" (unk.)
Mick Farren/Dennis Loren
Classic Rock Posters: Sixty Years of Posters and Flyers, 1952 to 2012 (2012)
Joe Hill (Joseph King)
The Fireman (2016)
Richard Lacayo/George Russell
Eyewitness: 150 Years of Photojournalism (1995)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater (1965)
Jim Krause
Layout Index (2001)
Beryl Evans (Stephen King)
Charlie the Choo-Choo (2016)
Stephen King
The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass (1997) ®
Legs McNeil/Gillian McCain
Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk (1996)
Colin Barrett
From Young Skins (2014)
"The Clancy Kid"
"Bait"
"The Moon"
Alex W. White
The Elements of Graphic Design: Space, Unity, Page Architecture and Type (2002)
Colin Barrett
From Young Skins (2014)
"Stand Your Skin"
"Calm With Horses"
"Diamonds"
"Kindly Forget My Existence"
Muriel Spark
The Driver's Seat (1970)
Karen Russell
From "Orange World" and Other Stories (2019)
"The Prospectors" (2015)
"The Bad Graft" (2014)
"Bog Girl" (2016)
William Carlsen
Jungle of Stone: The Extraordinary Journey of John L. Stephens and Frederick Catherwood and the Discovery of the Lost Civilization of the Maya (2016)
Edgar Allan Poe
"Review of Incidents of Travel in Egypt, Arabia Petraea and the Holy Land" (1837)
"Review of Incidents of Travel in Central America, Chiapas and Yucatán" (1841)
Karen Russell
From "Orange World" and Other Stories (2019)
"Madame Bovary's Greyhound" (2013)
"The Tornado Auction" (2017)
"Black Corfu" (2018)
"The Gondoliers" (2019)
"Orange World" (2018)
Sunday, January 20, 2019
Beer and football IX — weeks sixteen and seventeen; playoffs, weeks one and two
Week sixteen
The game: Bills at Patriots
The beer: Revolution Fistmas Ale
The result: Win, 24–12
Week seventeen
The game: Jets at Patriots
The beer: Wachusett Bella Czech Pilsner
The result: Win, 38–3
Playoffs, week one (bye)
The beer: True North Northern Haze India Pale Ale
Playoffs, week two
The game: Chargers at Patriots
The beer: Devil's Purse Surfman's Check Extra Special Bitter
The result: Win, 41–28
The commentary: Scene from an orange Subaru en route to CCD two Sundays ago…
J: "Hey, there's football on today. Do you–"
G: "I love football!"
J: "I know! Do you want to watch a game with me later? It's not the Patriots, they're not playing this weekend, but it's still football."
G: "I think the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl."
J: "I hope you're right! Anyway, today the Los Angeles Chargers are playing the Baltimore Ravens–"
G: "I always think they're called the 'Crows' or something."
J: "Right. Those are similar birds. So the Chargers are playing the Ravens and the winner of that game will play the Patriots next weekend, and the winner of that game will go to the Super Bowl. The Ravens will probably be wearing black or purple today and the Chargers will be in white. They have cool lightning bolts on their helmets."
G: "When's the Super Bowl?"
J: "It's in like three weeks."
G: "And the Patriots are in the Super Bowl?"
J: "Well, we'll see, right?"
And now today, snowed in—iced in, really—and hoping we don't lose power. I'm afraid to shovel because I know it will be solid, heavy cement, procrastination driven by the fact that I haven't posted in almost a month. "Are you still writing your newsletter?" asked Hector over his espresso martini—"The waitresses always say it's their favorite drink"—while Ivan adjusted his reading glasses and I considered a second double-possessive "Devil's Purse Surfman's Check ESB" at Tavern in the Square last Friday. Hector called it a newsletter because he's one of the old men who once asked if there was a way to read my posts over email (subscribe yourself at right). "Not so much," I replied without elaborating: Trout Mask Replica did indeed wipe me out and, frankly, I'm capable of proper NFL analysis only when breaking down knockout-pool performances week to week. Otherwise it's all "This defense sucks" and "We are nothing without Brady." Who wants to read that? Who wants to read any of this? There's reason number three.
This afternoon, once I invent a chainsaw that can be used on frozen-over snow, I will sit down with G. (more or less) and watch several hours of excellent football. I'll root for the Saints ("the black team") though the Rams are fine too, with old friend Aqib Talib fucking up live television around the world—I wouldn't mind seeing him win another ring. Brandin Cooks, too. The Saints, though, there's this thing between them and the Pats as we take turns butting heads with the league and following achievement with arrogance (sort of backwards). They're a likable team of talented young players and veterans, top-tier fans and a lovely city that serves as the "before" picture to projectile-vomiting's "after." Who dat? Oh god, it's Rob Schneider.
And the second game? And the second game! I bought a Mean Old Tom stout and just discovered via the archives that I drank one last January. Drag. "Man, 'Mean Old Tom'? 'Mean Old Tom… Brady'? Next week's post writes itself!" Instead I'll return south of the border for a second Mexican stout of the season (the first turned out OK) that I found in my basement beer fridge the other night. It's from Clown Shoes and their season-opening entry also put one in the win column. Which reminds me, I have eight months to find a good diary-related remark to use for volume X of "beer and football" if I'm to continue next season, which is no guarantee. "The mirror tells me lies," lifted from Ozzy's "Diary of a Madman," was the ace in my pocket, the one to use after checking off several better ideas:
"What more is there that I can be?" (Franz Ferdinand's "Your Diary" from the B-side of You Could Have It So Much Better's lead single "Do You Want To")
"With a renewed vigor and enthusiasm not seen by many" (Black Flag's "Hollywood Diary" from Family Man)
"You know, he shaves his eyebrows" (the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion's extended hidden-track "Tour Diary" hodgepodge from Experimental Remixes)
"I chewed my fuckin' arm off and made an escape" (another "Diary of a Madman," this time from the Gravediggaz's 6 Feet Deep)
"The trick today will be to try to affect fate's great wheel" (Ian Svenonius as David Candy in "Diary of a Genius" from Play Power)
"It's not a diary, Norm, it's a journal" (a defensive Cliff Clavin, possibly misquoted, from (superior) late-era Cheers)
That's quite a list, following two years of generic "A seventeen-week diary (and hopefully longer)" and "Another season-long diary." Am I up to the challenge? Surely Ty Segall or back-to-back champion John Dwyer will include the word "diary" in one of the dozens of songs they each release this year. My inter-net future depends on it.
This post is already much longer than anticipated since the opening dialogue was to be all of it. I really do not want to go outside. And so: Pats–Chiefs preview.
In rewatching week six's game on the NFL Network last night I was surprised to see the Pats up by so much in the first half, assuming it was tight all the way through. Nope! For that reason I can see two results later today: Belichick and McDaniels trying again to go up early and—this time—never letting up, or Andy Reid and his crew deciding to fuck this and let Mahomes do his thing. The second option scares the shit out of me because, yes, this defense sucks. The first, though, can work: the opening, clock-killing drive against the Chargers last weekend was beautiful and if they can maintain that and keep the Chiefs defense on the field then I like our chances, either in touchdown-plus domination or (Reid)-clock-mismanagement squeaker. Otherwise, if Mahomes puts together The Best of Patrick Mahomes… So Far, I'm sorry to say it will be over early. Gilmore, Hightower and who else? Shudder.
No matter what, eight straight AFC championships is exactly as absurd as it sounds. And don't count them out next year, either, like you can maybe count out "beer and football" sans a good diary-related lyric. With Brady go all in a weak AFC East. Imagine if they really did film those practices? (Oh, Eric Dickerson, adjust your goggles!)
Up next: With Edelman likely neutralized I'm looking to James White, Sony Michel and Chris Hogan's cloak of invisibility to carry the load. But if melting snow and neutralizing a big freeze is your bag then anticipate a Gronk touchdown to close things out. See you in Atlanta? Happy (belated) new year!
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Beer and football IX — weeks twelve, thirteen, fourteen and fifteen
Week twelve
The game: Patriots at Jets
The beer: Jack's Abby Red Tape Amber Lager
The result: Win, 27–13
Week thirteen
The game: Vikings at Patriots
The beer: Jack's Abby Hoponius Union India Pale Lager
The result: Win, 24–10
Week fourteen
The game: Patriots at Dolphins
The beer: Fuller's London Porter
The result: Loss, 34–33
Week fifteen
The game: Patriots at Steelers
The beer: Silvaticus Oblivion Black Lager
The result: Loss, 17–10
The commentary: It's Sunday evening and I've not yet watched this afternoon's Bills game. Did the good guys win? Are rumors of their death exaggerated? DVR is wonderful.
Instead I went to Market Street, the outdoor mall off 128 that apparently alters its own traffic pattern to account for seasonal Whole Foods madness. I fully endorse this middle finger to those who hover/double-park in anticipation of some check-writing Oldsmobile-driver efficiently vacating her space. Remote lots—and, yes, a bit of a trek to your destination—for the win. Once there, an enthusiastic young Paper Source employee ("You're my first customer today!") wrapped G's American Girl doll in paper that cannot be found elsewhere in our house and, therefore, only exists at the North Pole. Twelve dollars well spent.
That's what I would pay for the Pats defense and special teams right now. Twelve dollars, American. Combined. Unwrapped. God forbid your forty-one-year-old quarterback– forget it. Read the acclaimed beer-and-football archives.
What droll title am I to assign this year's Christmas playlist—a year in which the Pats' de-evolution to "the fray" pales in comparison to the ho-hum misadventures of our elected chief executive and commander in chief? Lock her up! Build the wall! Tremendous! What's that, Statler? Waldorf? Change!
1. Coco Hames – (There Won't Be) One More Christmas
Thanks, Amazon Original: Indie for the Holidays 2017! You can pimp your streaming service all you want but I'll download—and own—music until I die. And I will die old.
2. Statler & Waldorf – Marley & Marley
"That was the speech??" "It was dumb!" "It was obvious!" "It was pointless!" "It was… short…" "I loved it!"
3. Sam Applebaum/Mary Nealy – Christmastime's a Feeling
The third section, I suppose, of sixties time capsule (by way of 1970) The Year Around Christmas Present. "Peace… love… that's the message! Christmas… yeah, it's the same message! Peace on Earth, good will to all men. It's the way! People are nicer at Christmas. They have that spirit of giving, of being concerned with their fellow man." "Yeah! They look past themselves to the needs of others. In other words, they're mellow." "Oh, sure, there's the material part of giving presents, but we're layin' it on the soul, the spirit of thinking of someone else, doing for someone else. Caring about the other guy, ya dig? It gives you that good feeling." "I guess, when you get right to it, like the song says, 'Christmastime's a Feeling.'" Or: "Sometimes you have to toot your own horn because nobody else is going to do it." Right.
4. Juan Torres y Su Órgano Melódico – Caminito de Belem
From what I can tell—by which I mean from what Google Translate can tell me—"Caminito de Belem" translates to, erm, "Caminito de Belem." Let's go with "Bethel Johnson's El Camino."
5. Arlo Guthrie – The Pause of Mr. Claus (live)
It takes five and a half minutes of excellent left-wing stand-up comedy for Arlo to get to his live "Christmas carol," dedicated to all the big bastards in the FBI. "Mr. Claus has a red suit, he's a communist! And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist! What's in the pipe that he's smoking?" 1968 was alright.
I suppose it's not a very sincere playlist. I suppose it's not a very sincere holiday.
Up next: Time to go read The Haunted Tea Cozy. How'd the Texans do, anyway? Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
Beer and football IX — weeks eight, nine, ten and eleven
Week eight
The game: Patriots at Bills
The beer: Wachusett Green Monsta India Pale Ale
The result: Win, 25–6
Week nine
The game: Packers at Patriots
The beer: Zwickel German-Style Lager
The result: Win, 31–17
Week ten
The game: Patriots at Titans
The beer: Tuckerman 6288 Stout
The result: Loss, 34–10
Week eleven (bye)
The beer: Ipswich Pumpkin Porter
The commentary: TITLETOWN, U.S.A. – Item! It's good to be a New England sports fan. Not all good, though, as entitlement lingers.
Pro
Since the 2001/02 NFL season, the Patriots (five), Red Sox (four), Celtics (one), Bruins (one, but who cares) and Revolution (just kidding, I have no idea) have dominated the American sports landscape. Eleven titles in seventeen years, alongside five more championship appearances (three by the Pats, one by the Celtics and who cares by the Bruins). It's a remarkable turn for the region's self-esteem.
Con
I care mostly about the Patriots—that remark last month about not being able to name more than three Sox players was no joke, nor is the fact that whenever I see a #7 BROWN Celtics jersey I think it's for Dee Brown—and whenever they don't win Super Bowls it's plain demoralizing. The world's smallest violin plays for me, sure, but put Erich Zann on that sucker.
Pro
Tom Brady is our quarterback, no matter his inconsistency this season.
Con
Our defense is our defense, no matter its consistency since January 21, 2007.
Pro
Coach Bill Belichick's scheming and in-game adjustments usually work out alright. "Slants and in-cuts!"
Con
General Manager Bill Belichick's talent evaluation and roster management are subpar and, maybe, deliberately handicapped. "Let's see how many games I can win with this bunch."
Pro
The Chiefs lost Monday night!
Con
The Chiefs scored fifty-one points Monday night. It's popular around here to compare this year's Pats to 2009's, famous for "I just can't get these guys to play the way I want them to." Instead I see the 2005 team: exhausted, scattershot and underachieving. They probably need home-field advantage throughout the playoffs and I don't think they can win out (in conjunction with another Chiefs loss) to achieve it. But man, if we can get Gronk, Edelman, James White, Josh Gordon and Sony Michel on the field at the same time? (See you in Atlanta.)
Pro
Twelve thousand words! Trout Mask Replica is my mountaintop, never to be conquered.
Con
It's also my white whale, leaving madness, inertia and ruin in its wake. I don't know that Biff! Bang! Pow! will remain active much beyond annual playlists, quarterly beer-and-football updates and, eventually, a short story about a dwarf (har! har!) that's been in development hell for years. See? I've already run out of pros and cons. The internet weeps.
Up next: Oh good, we have three NFC division matchups on Thursday. Happy Thanksgiving!
Monday, October 29, 2018
Beer and football IX — weeks five, six and seven
Week five
The game: Colts at Patriots
The beer: Campanology For Whom Imperial Mexican Stout
The result: Win, 38–24
Week six
The game: Chiefs at Patriots
The beer: Ballast Point Indra Kunindra Stout
The result: Win, 43–40
Week seven
The game: Patriots at Bears
The beer: Ipswich Dark Ale
The result: Win, 38–31
The commentary: Congratulations to the 2018 world-champion Boston Red Sox! Before Thursday I couldn't have named more than three players on the team.
I, blogger? Was a post-Beefheart retirement in order? Man, I didn't even get a good G. picture since the wedding. Here's one from exactly six years ago. Google Photos for the win.
Up next: "Bills Corpse" revisited. Happy Halloween!
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Beer and football IX — week four
The game: Dolphins at Patriots
The beer: Peak Organic Fresh Cut Pilsner
The result: Win, 38–7
The commentary: My cousin (the one on the right) got married in Maine on Saturday and, until a couple of months ago, the plan was for A. and me to make a grown-up getaway weekend out of it, complete with mature themes and all that go with them. G. called baloney on that after receiving a personal invitation from said cousin. Great? Family weekend it is!
A grounded canoe full of iced Peak Organic solves everything, even if it's also full of Budweiser and LaCroix. And disposable cameras, distributed to all of the children in attendance (quite a few), allowed for adult conversations that weren't constantly interrupted by requests to play bocci and cornhole ("Daddeee, come on!"). I don't know if the things will be developed and shared but G. documented all area flowers, mushrooms and spider webs thoroughly. Later, during the self-serve-wine (and lodge-artwork-critique) portion of the evening, Aladdin started up on a corner TV and G. was occupied for another ninety minutes. Afterward we convinced her to dance with us for a bit—just not in time for "Walk on the Wild Side" "Can I Kick It?"—before hitting the road. We even saw a raccoon on the way to the hotel. The night was a success.
The Dolphins were what we thought they were (and have been) for a long time and Ryan Tannehill remains a better firecracker deliveryman than a handler of on-target shotgun snaps. Early and obvious blowout signifiers made it easy to fly through the recorded "primetime" game without remorse and I hope for more of the same tonight. I'm fucking exhausted.
Up next: Set the skip-forward duration to ten seconds because I'm asleep by midnight. Old age is a bastard. Cheers!
Friday, September 28, 2018
Beer and football IX: The mirror tells me lies
Week one
The game: Texans at Patriots
The beer: Clown Shoes Rexx Imperial Red Ale
The result: Win, 27–20; Titans/Jarrod lose (times four), 27–20
Week two
The game: Patriots at Jaguars
The beer: 603 NH Ale
The result: Loss, 31–20
Week three
The game: Patriots at Lions
The beer: Riverwalk Cash Bus Pale Ale
The result: Loss, 26–10
The commentary: Boy, am I glad I wrapped up that Trout Mask Replica business in early July so I can sit back and relax for a couple of months before the new NFL (and, therefore, "BAF") season kicks off. Hmm? What's that now?
Had I known in late 2010 and periodically ever since that a simple Captain Beefheart post would escalate to the equivalent of a fifty-page novella (complete with a sneak-peak excerpt) then forget it, no way, let's just write a paragraph for some playlist and leave it at that. Instead the thing hung over me in draft form across so many text files and Google Keep documents and only over the last three weeks did I pull it together—even that early draft had only a bare-bones outline past the Canobie/college stuff. It feels great to have seen it through and even better to consider it well done.
What else? Oh, the Patriots Dynasty is over again. I guess that means another Super Bowl appearance? I'm pulled in all directions here, on one end with "It's only September and they often start slowly before things fall into place" and the opposite with "I've been railing against poor drafting and awful defense for years and it's caught up to them at last!" After those losses—neither of which was competitive—I'd put it somewhere in the middle if the AFC weren't so awful. What, they're not going to win the division? The Dolphins are for real? Gimme a break and pray that my confidence carries into Sunday evening.
Should I speak of knockout pools and the resultant RICO investigations? Shit no. The Tinkerbells ushered me to a purgatory of prize-less ESPN and NFL.com contests. I continue to play but why? Maybe next year, Asterisk Oren.
It's called "beer and football," suckers. The Rexx "aged in bourbon barrels" was as smooth as any beer aged in bourbon barrels, which is to say it was a little rough at first until the thirteen-percent alcohol (!) kicked in. Much tamer was week two's 603, a remaining can of which had to have been in the basement since G's birthday party last Summer and was drunk in honor of the random NEW HAMPSHIRE hoodies for sale at Bed, Bath & Beyond in Danvers… Massachusetts. Sure, as a ten-year-old I had a DALLAS T-shirt even though I never visited Texas until my late twenties, but Snoopy was wearing a cowboy hat on it and I was a goddamn kid. Who buys NEW HAMPSHIRE in Massachusetts? Who buys NEW HAMPSHIRE in New Hampshire? I can see NORTH CONWAY or LAKE WINNIPESAUKEE or FUN WORLD but a blanket NEW HAMPSHIRE? Anyway, I followed it up that night (for the game was recorded) with one and a half expired Sam Adamses from this year's party, an in-laws special and the last from that brewery I'll ever drink thanks to founder Jim Koch's support for Trump's tax overhaul. I dumped the remaining half because fuck Koch, fuck his beers (brewed now in Ohio anyway) and fuck Trump with the largest immigrant fist available.
Riverwalk, though, that's a brewery I can get behind (har! har!). I took in Theater in the Open's Poe in a cemetery chapel last week, the environment made more… macabre… by the EXIT sign's red glow. Regular readers (!) will remember I worked my way through Edgar Allan Poe's prose oeuvre (that word again!) over the last couple of years, concluding with his novel The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket in June. Friday night's performance started as an in-your-face free-for-all around the chapel grounds, actors in effective ravens masks, cloaks and wedding dresses stalking looky-loos and confronting them with intense readings of "Shadow" ("Shadow!") and selected poems, most of which I never did read. Before long we moved inside for more recitations and accompanying dance pieces before settling in for a strong multimedia reading of "The Tell-Tale Heart." "The Raven" closed the evening, of course, mainly candlelit (plus that red glow—beautiful) and very well done by the troupe's lead man who, no matter how good, is not Homer Simpson.
A mile away was the Riverwalk taproom. "Hmm… perhaps I'll wet my whistle." Google Maps called bullshit on that and had no idea where to find the place. "Turn left on Hill Street. Turn right on Parker Street. Turn right on Graf Road. Um… yeah, better turn around at Watts Eye Associates." Just look for the giant wind turbine, you practically park in its shadow. ("Shadow!") Several more ums follow even after you park, as you enter the building and are faced with a wide-open production floor. Can this be it? Have I been lured here by miscreants? No, just follow the wayfaring TAPROOM ☞ legend through that door. Sketchy. The Cash Bus was fine but if not for driving home I'd have been all over the eight-percent Ricky the Dragon Pale Ale. (Insert Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat catchphrase here if I could only remember one. "Dogs are friendly and stupid"?)
I've decided to remain in the Library Book Club for another year because bureaucracy is keeping my office one from getting off the ground. "I'm about to email marketing and client services to see who wants to join my book club. What do you mean did I run it by the social committee? There's a social committee? And you want to give them a chance to first promote it in a newsletter? They have a newsletter? When's it coming out? Fine, just keep me posted." The email has sat in my DRAFTS folder long enough for me to come to my senses and edit out an exercise in generating multiple—multiple—non-sequitur names for the club based on the firm's CSG acronym. "Client Services Group"? Not tonight. Try these on for size:
Criminal Seance Garden
Covert Super Genius
Crack'd Shards of Greg
Container Store Giftcard
Cold Silent Gusto
Conjured Staggering Gorilla
Chemical Science Grocer
Cosmic Semi Guru
Cheat the System Gracefully
Crestfallen Sir George
Crafty Staccato Gingham
Cerebral Skin Graft
Council Strongman's Grapes
Caustic Silver Germophobe
Consignment Shop Girlfriend
Complicit Stovepipe Garnish
Compliant Second Grader
Cream Stooges Groundhogs
Carl's Sassy Go-Go's
Chapter Six Gravy
Consumer Spiv Generator
Customer Service Genepool
Carousel Sans Giraffe
Critically Scarred Golfer
Compulsively Sinister Grammarian
Connie Swail Goatfarm
Cheesy Salty Goldfish
Creedence Slays Grapevine
Cinema Starlet Grotto
Cricketer's Sorry Gameplay
Customary Sexual Gratification
Corporate Subscription to Glamour
Crosby, Stills & Gronkowski
There's a good chance this list is hilarious to no one else and would therefore fall flat. Instead, corpo-mockery overwhelms and "CSGNFBØQEBCBBL," short for "CSG & Friends Bimonthly (Excluding Quarter-End) Book Club Brown Bag Lunch," will look hot in the subject line. Right on. Should the bureaucrats relent then we'll see how I keep up with two regular book clubs—the Ladies chose enough intriguing titles to keep me interested and some others I may skip in order to keep my head above water. Come on, though, "Chapter Six Gravy"?
Up next: I probably won't need the caps-lock key as much next week—I tend toward bold text for emphasis anyway. Should the Dolphins win, though, all consistency standards are out the window. Cheers!
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