Monday, August 27, 2012

Beer and football III — the all-important third preseason game

The game: Patriots somewhere
The beer: Anchor Porter
The result: Who cares
The commentary: Are you ready for some third-stringers? Then you're ready for preseason game three. Feel the heat!

I didn't pay much attention to the action. A. went out with some friends and G. was down for the night, so it was just me, some substandard Chinese food and the Anchor Porter that I didn't even finish before falling asleep myself. Here's what I remember.

The beer was good but not great. In January I bought a 365 Bottles of Beer for the Year calendar for fifty percent off at a Northshore Mall kiosk. (Dear producers of the 365 Bottles of Beer for the Year calendar: It's leap year, dammit! Sincerely, your mother.) I've been saving the "days" I'm interested in trying and at least a third of them are porters I'm much more excited about than Anchor's version here. It was increasingly not-great when I finished it yesterday afternoon. Flat city!

I don't know if Deion Branch, my daughter's favorite player, actually played Friday night. But I will stake my reputation as someone who tries really hard to use correct spelling and grammar while blogging about the Patriots and Nico and Cambridge and Newsweek and… anyway, Branch is making the team. I don't know what the hell the sports writers in this town (outside of the guys at PFW) are thinking.

Speaking of what the hell, I'm ready to welcome a team of retarded monkeys to take over for Ron Cricktee and Sandy Ross on the preseason broadcasts. I still don't know if it was rookie receiver Jeremy Ebert or rookie safety Nate Ebner they repeatedly referred to as "Eeber." Also, when introducing the starting lineup they must have said "Love, Jones" two or three times (referring to defensive linemen Kyle Love and Chandler Jones) without adding "What's happenin', baby? Did you miss me this weekend?" Assholes. Bruce over at Boston Sports Media Watch summed it up perfectly: "I felt really, really bad for Don Criqui last night. I lost track of the player misidentifications, the errors and just general confusion that was on display. It's time for the Krafts to make a move on their preseason telecasts." The only missed criticism was that Cross was almost as bad.

The backup quarterback situation? Thanks for asking! Hoyer and Mallett are both pretty bad, but you've gotta go with Mallett here. The post-Brady future surely isn't Hoyer and most likely isn't Mallett and there's a difference. So why not see what he can do? Besides, some desperate team is seconds away from packaging two first-round picks to acquire Hoyer via trade anyway. Football analysts are idiots.

That's enough. I mainly wrote this for the "Love Jones" joke.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Alright, is everybody ready?

"Since the football season ended I've needed an excuse to run off at the mouth, and forcing myself to comment on forty-eight songs seemed like a solution. Maybe next year, if I'm able to actually enjoy any music and/or write complete sentences with a son or daughter to worry about, I can try to control my damn self and keep it around two hours." That was me about a year ago, in response to a reader's suggestion to chill out next time with the playlist. Wrong! Forty-eight more songs! Three more hours and fifteen more minutes! It is on.

It's been a different kind of year, to say the least. I didn't necessarily listen to as much of my own music since the walk to my office is shorter now than it was a year ago, to and from a nearby parking lot (ten minutes away) instead of North Station (twenty). Such is the economics of MBTA fare hikes. However, this truncated relationship with my iPod has leveled off with more drive-time Sirius listening. I won't say stations like the Underground Garage and others have introduced me to a whole lot of noteworthy newer artists—Motopony being the exception represented here—but they have provided some booster shots as needed: Jeff Beck, War and our friends at number forty-eight, to name some I've included this time around. And A. found a song she can't even wait to play at our daughter's first birthday party later this Summer: "Rock & Roller Girl" by the Mooney Suzuki. (Tis impossible to believe I only figured out the origin of that band's name like a month ago. When I was into them in the late nineties/early aughts I was minimally aware of Can, and certainly couldn't identify the members of the group. (Malcolm) Mooney? ((I Am) Damo) Suzuki? Of course! It's still funny that I catch no trace of influence from their first single through to the handful of later songs I've managed to hear. Way to wear your inspiration on a sleeve stitched together with lies.)

So here we are again. Along with failing to cut down on the duration I've similarly failed to cut down on the swearing. Not sure how I'll defend it all to G. if she happens upon this… I see significant edits in my future should that day come. Anyway, this naturally (again) goes out to her. No children's songs this year (for, I'm guessing, the last time as she grows up and starts liking things that will get stuck in my head) and, really, nothing at all other than "Mickey's Monkey" that is appropriate to play in a little girl's honor. But it all kept me company during those brief morning and evening strolls since George Brigman was singing about his snake friends—you can't argue with facts. Everything came together pretty quickly despite a late start. No more delays.



1. Groundhogs – Thank Christ for the Bomb
Clearly I am all in on the Groundhogs. "The rising sun didn't look so bright." What is it with me and anti-war songs? Between this and last year's "Monk Time" you'd think I'm some sandal-wearing ideologue. It's a good thing our founding fathers realized that two hundred years later we'd still live in a society where it's alright for first-world countries to grant rights to frenzied "militias" who think our president was born on Mars.

2. The Tony Williams Lifetime – Via the Spectrum Road
Starting off with two seven-minute songs? Fans will scratch their heads but critics will love it. I bought Emergency! at an independent shop in Newburyport last Summer. The old white salesman (is there another kind?) could not have acted less interested in my money, which is odd considering I was deliberately trying to support local business by agreeing to pay three or four dollars more than what Amazon charged. I was even wearing G. in a front carrier, and she's a bright light. Maybe he was worried she would spit up on a rare issue of "Rappin' Duke" or something.

3. Alice Cooper – Changing Arranging
A potential "School's Out" replacement in last Spring's time-traveling playlist but, even in retrospect, I thought it was too weird for that contest. So it gets the prime three-hole here. (Prime Three-Hole now playing in back-alley theaters across the country.)

4. Sly & the Family Stone – Family Affair
Adam Carolla had an absolutely hilarious take on this song in one of his podcasts last year, questioning its "effort level" and calling it "the makings of a song." He had me on the floor. "Still checking each other out, hehhh-ehh-ehh." I love it though. I'm a complicated man.

5. Lou Reed – The Blue Mask
This might be the song of the year. "Wirrrrrrwww." The long introduction screamed for it to start things off, but then it saw last year's "Lay of the Last Tinker" and 2010's "Livin' On," shuffled to the window and started chewing its nails. Lou sounds old here and he must have been because he turned one hundred twelve a couple of months ago.

6. Deltron 3030 – Memory Loss
Automator looks like a real douche on those Handsome Boy Modeling School album covers but he seems to know his shit. I couldn't tell you what he's up to lately but most hip-hop producers would be lucky to hit with either Deltron 3030 or Dr. Octagonecologyst, never mind both. I hate when producers get all the credit but he's doing some real work here.

7. Electric Eels – Safety Week
Hello Cleveland! How are these guys not in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame? Because of album titles like God Says Fuck You? Swastikas and naked ladies on their album covers? Perhaps. The Man always finds an excuse.

8. Carrie Nations – Find It
Nothing entertains quite like Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. It's been awhile but my favorite scene is every one involving Z-Man, and my favorite favorite scene is when he takes over management of the Carrie Nations (né the Kelly Affair) and we're blessed with a things-are-looking-up montage. At one point he and the whitest suit ever tailored are superimposed over a shot of the band performing on television. What's our man doing but smiling, smiling and nodding, nodding the nod of wisdom, of shrewdness, of power. The nod of someone in complete control of this whole scene. The nod of someone who, before long, will start beheading motherfuckers.

9. Motopony – Seer
This one was a minor hit over the Winter on a couple of those Sirius stations. Apparently Motopony's self-titled album came out in 2009 but was reissued last year, so stations like the Spectrum and Alt Nation latched onto it the way some people list compilations and reissues as top "albums" of a given year. That kettle is black!

10. Seeds – Girl I Want You
Pretty standard Seeds execution (good thing) but I wanted a straight-ahead beat song here. Maybe next year, Richard & the Young Lions.

11. The Who – Rael
Step number two in Pete Townshend's journey to a complete rock opera, following "A Quick One, While He's Away" (the Live at Leeds version of which was almost included here, alas it's too long even for me to have justified) and directly preceding (well, despite an eighteen-month span that only produced a handful of singles) Tommy. Smell the "Sparks"! I wanted to choose among The Who Sell Out outtakes "Glow Girl" and "Glittering Girl" for obvious reasons but "Rael" is a better song.

12. Luv Machine – Witches Wand
The B-side to a 1972 single called "Happy Children." As if G. isn’t the happiest child around. Case in point: she had a horrible bout of diarrhea last week and, other than screaming her head off because of an awful rash every time we had to change her diaper, you wouldn't even know it. I get more strength out of that little sixteen-pound bundle of gummy smiles than I thought the world could hold.

13. Cat Power – Nude As the News
I remember when this song became a semi-hit there were protests in Tennessee or something. I always assumed that because "Jackson" and "Jesse" are so prominent in the chorus it was about Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination in Memphis, at which Jesse Jackson was present. Turns out it actually tells the story of an abortion Chan Marshall had when she was young—I do not pay attention to lyrics. The video might have given clues but I could not get past how cute she was. Was.

14. Fugazi – The Argument
A few things. First, is it fair to refer to this as the album's title track if it's called "Argument" and the album is The Argument? These are the problems I create for myself. Second, my "Normar Day" efforts mentioned above generalized that "I've lately (as in the last fifteen years) preferred Guy's songs to Ian's," completely ignoring how much Ian really brought it on The Argument. The wet blanket's best album by far, as "Argument," "Cashout" and "Ex-Spectator" are all-time greats. Lastly, I've made a number of changes to my album-of-the-year list from early in 2010. Some of these are due to oversight (for example, Alien Lanes replacing Dead Cool), one to correcting an error (I had James Brown's The Payback for 1974 when it was actually released in December 1973) and several to growing a tie-breaking sack (Enter the Wu-Tang, Endtroducing and Law of Ruins barely squeaking by PJ Harvey's Rid of Me, Brainiac's Hissing Prigs in Static Couture and Neutral Milk Hotel's In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, respectively), as well as a variety of nitpicking layout changes (the years used to be listed last, in parentheses… I obsess). Here's another one: not only is The Argument now our 2001 award-winner (replacing RL Burnside's Burnside on Burnside) (Burnside!), I'm pretty sure it's better than all the aughts' other award-winners. I've always liked it but it took a long time to grow on me as a real achievement—I'm older now so maybe something clicked. Speaking of getting older, I'll never have a favorite album of 2011 because I no longer keep tabs on all the new bands that no doubt suck anyway, but I'm considering the Hawkwind route with Dead Meadow's live Three Kings for 2010. That old smoke alarm is hopefully drowning in my daughter's diapers at the bottom of some Brazilian landfill by now.

15. Oneida – I Will Haunt You
Oneida is sort of a modern-day classic Six Finger Satellite, if that makes any sense (I say "classic" to separate the mid- to late-nineties era from today's incarnation, though I'm not sure what all they're up to lately since they haven't released anything in almost three years other than the reissue of 1994's The Machine Cuisine Companion Cassette but somehow not of the regular Machine Cuisine EP). Sonically they're just as adventurous, jumping from quick-hit hard-rockers to extended electronic jams. Not as satisfying as 6FS because few are, but they can sure come in handy.

16. MC5 – Train Music
I'm going to write a bunch about the MC5 whenever I get to my Beefheart albatross (trust me, there's a direction). This song will suffice until then, even though it's actually called "Gold" according to Babes in Arms and a few other posthumous collections. I just find it hard to believe that an outtake from the soundtrack to an obscure 1972 film would be compiled before two otherwise-unavailable songs that actually made it onto the soundtrack. Maybe I shouldn't believe everything I read on the internet.

17. The Chocolate Watchband – Don't Need Your Lovin'
That bass during the chorus… that bass! Sure, it's "Milk Cow Blues." Whatevs. Stand it up against Eric Clapton's soft-as-an-old-man's-balls version from Me and Mr. Johnson a few years ago for a reminder that his very brief career as a legitimate rock musician, compared even to no-name contemporaries, is long over. I'll never understand how a man and his conviction can quit the Yardbirds over a perfect pop gem like "For Your Love" and then, only twelve years later, provide the soundtrack to a million eighth-grade dances with "Wonderful Tonight." And be praised for it!

18. Gogol Bordello – When Universes Collide
My cousin once posted on Facebook that she had some iTunes credit burning a hole in her pocket and was looking for suggestions. I offered this (having recently heard it for the first time on WZBC), "100,000 Years" by Kiss and a third song that couldn't possibly follow "100,000 Years."

19. Colosseum – The Kettle
This is my kind of music. Great riff, great drum sound, great double-tracked guitar solo. Lyrics incomprehensible other than the word "kettle" in the chorus and the occasional "darlin'." What more is there?

20. Gang of Four – Ether
When G. was younger I had a two-song arsenal to hum to her while making her dance. One is from The Wizard of Oz, I think it's the marching theme to "The Merry Old Land of Oz" as Dorothy and friends parade in circles, hoping we don't notice the confined space of the castle is actually a sound stage. The second, for no good reason, was "Ether"—one day I just grabbed her under the arms, bounced her up and down on my leg and said "Fer-der-der, der-der, fer-der-der, pa-pa-pa." Where the hell did that come from? She looked at me and said "C'mon Dad, you too with Gang of Four?"

21. Broadcast – I Found the F
Are you shy around women? Then you're in luck, because here is our final female vocalist of the evening. You can now undo that belt, light up an El Producto and wipe your hands on the drapes.

22. Subtitle – Landlocked
Just another in a long line of songs that old indie sites used to throw up for free as a way to introduce new artists. In a related story, as with most of these introductions, I never took one second to explore the rest of Subtitle's catalog. Too bad because this is a good song. And too bad because I'm still not going to see what else he's got.

23. Chrome Cranks – Hot Blonde Cocktail
I saw these guys open for the Blues Explosion or someone back in 1948 and the bass riff to "Doll in a Dress" stayed in my head for about three months. It was the richest sound I'd ever heard and I couldn't buy that first album fast enough once it finally came out. "Hot Blonde Cocktail" is from Love in Exile and Dead Cool is almost the best album of 1995. So they've done pretty goddamn well for themselves and I'd like to think I had something to do with it.

24. Top Drawer – Song of a Sinner
Dirge alert! "How can you keep me?" Because you're almost nine minutes long, baby! Since I ignored the advice to take it down a thousand and have instead kept this thing on the sunny side of three hours again, let's call this the end of "side one."

25. Archie Bell & the Drells – Tighten Up (Part 1)
Archie Bell? Of the Drells? Of Houston, Texas? He and his crew are going to flip that record and make sure things haven't gotten too loose on us now, much like the JB's a few songs into Say It Live and Loud.

26. Three Dog Night – I Can Hear You Calling
I saw Yo La Tengo at the Somerville Theater on the And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside-Out tour and in the lobby they were handing out a free issue of The Yo La Tengo Gazette: two eleven-by-seventeen sheets folded, nested and stapled together. The centerfold is a "Kaplan Study Guide (not affiliated with Kaplan Study Guides)," hilariously testing one's knowledge of Chuck Negron's autobiography Three Dog Nightmare. Sample multiple-choice "math" question: "If the distance from the bridge of Chuck Negron's nose to its base is two inches and if his nose extends one inch from his head, using the Pythagorean Theorem, how far must the cocaine travel through his nasal passages?" I can't wait until the day G. asks to hear "Tom Courtenay" for the hundredth time and I'm finally able to share this with her.

27. Elliott Smith – Coast to Coast
I like these songs where Elliott just belts it out production-wise. He wasn't around for the final mixing, sure, but "Coast to Coast" wouldn't have sounded out of place on Figure 8 or even XO so it had to have been sketched out, right? Love the Who-ish (as in the beginning of "Rael") non-lyrical harmonies during the bridge—lots of words to not have to pay attention to here, between this and the overlaid gibberish at the end. A. will hate me for writing that.

28. Andre Williams – Bring Me Back My Car Unstripped
Give him his shit, man. All he wants is his shit back. You know damn well it ain't yours. Take his wife, motherfucker. Just bring him back his shit. Get it back in here. Unstripped.

29. The Jeff Beck Group – I Ain't Superstitious
It's really something that Jeff Beck isn't more appreciated in the world of classic rock. I suppose it's because his first two solo albums are comprised of more covers than originals and his term with the Yardbirds (that band's peak era) really didn't produce much in the way of homegrown material, since the bulk of "their" stuff was handed to them by professional songwriters. Yet Clapton—who also couldn't write to save his life and was Beck's equal only during the Cream years—gets a total bearded pass. What in the worldwide fuck.

30. Faust – Flashback Caruso
My love of Can has inspired me to seek out other krautrock bands from the early seventies. Faust has offered nice returns with the likes of "Flashback Caruso," "Giggy Smile," "It's a Rainy Day, Sunshine Girl" (lifted by Stereolab for "Anemie"/"Animal or Vegetable") and others. Adventures in Neu! were not as fruitful, however, as only "Neuschnee" and "Hallogallo" (Stereolab playing the role of Zeppelin again on "Jenny Ondioline") really do anything for me.

31. Ol' Dirty Bastard – Shimmy Shimmy Ya
Second year in a row of taking laps around Wu-Tang options before settling on a solo song. ODB's Return to the 36 Chambers is generally good but not nearly as tight as Liquid Swords or 6 Feet Deep, never mind Enter the Wu-Tang. I don't know what to tell you.

32. Endle St. Cloud – Come Through
"Alright, Panetti… I've fronted the bread, I did everything you ask. Is this another one of your super-heavy, super-duper deals? Panetti, when will you come through?!" And then: fuzz.

33. Fleetwood Mac – Tusk
I own four Fleetwood Mac songs: Peter Green-era numbers "Oh Well," "Looking for Somebody" and "The Green Manalishi" and then "Tusk," an overproduced, cocaine-fueled pop song featuring the USC marching band. And when I say own I mean own: I acquired the publishing rights. Only in America!

34. Units – High Pressure Days
1979 block! Even more coke might have gone into this one. Where's Peter's Criss's "Dirty Livin'" when you need it? Up Grace Jones's nose, maybe. She can have it.

35. Bad Brains – Supertouch/Shitfit
Version from 1982's self-titled album. I don't know that you need to stray from Bad Brains, Black Flag and Dead Kennedys in order to really embrace the early eighties American punk movement. No one else comes close—though I like both, Minor Threat were too stiff and the Misfits too silly.

36. Masters Apprentices – Our Friend Owsley Stanley III
Lyrics presumably about acid? Check. Heavy riff? Check. Distortion? Check. Catchy time signature? Check. Something that sounds like a flute buried in the mix? Check!

37. Kinks – Shangri-La
Thank god these guys were banned from touring the States for a few years and barely tasted success here between "Tired of Waiting for You" in early 1965 and "Lola" in the Summer of 1970. By 1969 the Stones were practically an American band, but other key invasion groups like the Who, the Small Faces and the Kinks (even Pink Floyd, to an extent) were able to sit back and continue producing unique British music unaffected by heavy, jammy, gritty trends that bands like Blue Cheer and Steppenwolf (both of whom I celebrate) were cultivating. It's not that I think they would have become bad musicians or songwriters, it just might have exposed them to something that could sap away a bit of their sensibility and charm. No English band touring like mad between Boston, Dallas, Miami and San Francisco all that time could have written "Dedicated Follower of Fashion," "Waterloo Sunset," "The Village Green Preservation Society" or "Shangri-La." I'm sure it felt like a drag at the time, which sucks, but in the long run I'm glad it happened that way.

38. The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion – Blues Explosion Attack
"Calvin's in the hospital." Couple that with a Dr. Octagon shout-out and here you have the co-highlight (just behind Old Time Relijun's "Siren," and certainly light years ahead of Miranda July's embarrassing "The Co-Star") from Selector Dub Narcotic. It was reworked (butchered, even) as "Attack" for the excellent Acme album the following year and Calvin wisely stayed out of the fucking way then, too. We're all better for it.

39. Miracles – Mickey's Monkey
The first song G. heard, aside from maybe my homemade Blue Cheer ringtone. We spent two nights in the hospital learning how to take care of a little six-pound monkey. Somehow we all made it, and sunny Wednesday morning when I pulled the new car around to pick up A. and G. I had Sooouuul Town on the radio. We snapped her in (so little in that car seat!) as Smokey was telling us about a new dance—what a wonderful, happy song, perfect for our first drive home as a family. Through Beverly we then heard Ben E. King's "Stand by Me" followed by Marvin Gaye's "Too Busy Thinking About My Baby" as we approached the bridge. It's like they knew! Coincidence or not, I've been calling G. "monkey" for nine months now and won't be stopping soon.

40. War – Sun Oh Son
I don't have a son but "Water Oh Daughter" isn't very catchy. "Slaughter Oh Daughter"? Even worse. "Hotter Oh Daughter"? I will end you!

41. Wolf People – Empty Heart
This year's Tame Impala, a.k.a. My Pleasant Discovery of 2011. As with many pleasant discoveries going back about ten years such as Dead Meadow, Black Mountain and Dungen, more often than not the recipe consists of psychedelia, distortion and a willingness to just see how it all shakes out. It's a good thing I'm choosing to overlook the fact that these guys are the ten thousandth "Wolf" band in existence, an annoying trend that would usually put me off if they weren't so clearly listening to a lot of Beefheart. Me too!

42. Eire Apparent – Yes, I Need Someone
Dig those afros! This song went through the ringer a few hundred times last year—no matter how hard I tried it just wouldn't fit. (Michael Scott on line one!) Luckily it's good enough that I've continued to enjoy it over the last twelve months and it slides perfectly into the forty-two spot (unbelievable), replacing a couple of options by the Attack that I'll probably work out in time for next Spring.

43. Can – Oh Yeah
Oh yeah, still into Can. It's genuinely impressive that I've got three songs longer than seven minutes and one longer than eight and here we sit again, right at three hours and fifteen minutes altogether—last year I had two that barely squeaked by seven minutes and even one that was only a minute thirteen. There must be a cosmic order in place to balance things out for me.

44. Night Sun – Crazy Woman
Yes! Beware of the inferior (but still powerful) mono mix on the Progressive German Rock compilation. Not sure where I got this stereo track, probably from Anthology "Out to Lunch" Recordings.

45. Troggs – Any Way That You Want Me
So you have a hit single. A few of them, even. Want to make another? Take the most popular one ("Wild Thing"), wholly lift its signature riff (after having already reused it in "I Want You"), drop it behind the chorus of a new ballad, sprinkle some fairy dust over the bastard and call it a day. There's your number fucking one.

46. Archie Bronson Outfit – Dart for My Sweetheart
Sorry if this doesn't sit too well here, I just couldn't leave it out… lots to like! Chunk-a-chunk riff, chunk-a-chunk bass, chunk-a-chunk drums, crazed vocals by someone I picture to look like a cross between Father Yod and the Z-Man himself. See how well he performs!

47. Crosby, Stills & Nash – You Don't Have to Cry
"You are living a reality I left years ago, it quite nearly killed me." Sure, the nine-to-five life blows. I guess the rest of us just have to become rock stars, write songs about bluebirds and three-way sex and then we can put it all behind the way Dave, Steve and Graham did. Easy peasy!

48. Iron Maiden – The Prisoner
And you thought I was kidding in February. Is there a single Iron Maiden song that isn't about some mythical, historical or classic fictional character? These guys are the best.


Housekeeping! Fifteen songs from the sixties (only three from 1968 but seven from '69… what the!); fourteen from the seventies; three from the eighties (all from '82); six from the nineties; eight from the aughts; and two from the still-young teens. (Most important, only forty-four hundred words this year!) God bless you, daughter. Maybe one day this will mean as much to you as your delicious feet.

More furious madness: Volume 1|Volume 2|Volume 3

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

On Gravity

It was written!

Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
The writing warned you!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
The writing killed your phone's camera!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
The broken camera was a warning!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
No pictures taken, no pictures lost!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Forever heed the writing!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Months later, the camera is fixed!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
The writing did not fix your camera!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
You lose sight of the writing!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
The writing intensifies!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
And yet you ignore the writing!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
You are walking on the bridge!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
You are walking to your wife!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
The writing mentioned no wife!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
You receive a text message!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
You check the message!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
You check the message on the bridge!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
The message is from your wife!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
The message does not warn you!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Your wife does not warn you!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Because the writing mentioned no wife!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Put your phone away!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
You are not left-handed!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Put your phone away now!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Put your phone away for your wife!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Your nonfavored hand is clumsy!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
The case! It is so slick!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
The railing, so slight!
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Wait until you're off the bridge.
Gravity!
Water!
Lost!


That evening, a cupcake!
Don't be foolish, get a plate.
Don't be foolish, get a plate.
Gravity!
Shag rug!
Crap!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Beer and football III — the draft

The beer: Blatant Session Ale
The commentary: It's become blatantly (ha!) obvious that I'm incapable of writing much outside of the comfort and weekly deadlines afforded by professional football, so I'll kick off what I'm calling the 2012 season (in place of a clumsy "2012/2013") with an attempt at live-blogging ESPN's coverage of the first round of the NFL draft. Why ESPN? Because I no longer get the NFL Network. The smallest violin… anyway, as picks twenty-seven and thirty-one approach, or if the Pats trade up, I'll mute the TV and listen to the PFW stream while Captain Beefheart (sprawling mess) and Led Zeppelin (clever idea, difficult execution) stare at me from the corner, dreaming the unfulfilled dreams of incomplete blog posts—and May's playlist is looming.

Hopefully this exercise makes up for my never-realized attempt at live-blogging 2007's made-for-the-Sci-Fi-Channel movie Ice Spiders, where I planned to offer up an alternate title of Eight-Legged Mountain of Death and make other humorous observations. That shit was going to be amazing. Alright, is everybody ready?

7:50
I'm glad I have tomorrow off. Nothing helps you get over the inevitable trading of two first-round picks for twenty years' worth of fifth-rounders like mowing the lawn, shopping for a sport coat and making chili.

7:55
ESPN is throwing all their correspondents at us. Rachel Nichols's eyes just burned a hole in the wall behind me. Ed Werder shops at the same rouge-heavy make-up boutique that Steve DeOssie frequents. Sal Paolantonio looks like the punchline of a no-arms-and-no-legs joke. More clowns are probably lingering somewhere but these are the three I saw, since I'm DVRing this and watching on a delay (recording started five minutes early).

7:59
Berman: "Are you ready for the draft?!?//!11?1 We are!!!!!111!1"

8:00
ESPN's opening segment assumes football fans are not actually fans of the game of football, but rather of the muscular sweatiness that is a side effect of said game. Correct!

8:03
With all the "Suck for Luck" talk last season, this is the first I'm seeing of the man. He looks like someone who throws firecrackers at stray dogs.

8:04
Jets fans are lazily booing Goodell as he opens the evening, but when when he says it's an exciting night "for you, the fans" it's all "Hey, we're fans! Yay!" Idiots.

8:10
Also the first I'm seeing of Robert Griffin III. Somehow I just knew he was black with that name.

8:11
Hey, a Bud Light commercial! Think I'll open my beer. Mmmm. I considered "Beer and football 2012 – the draught" for a title, and if I'd chosen an imperial something-or-other in place of this session beer I might have gotten hammered enough to like it. "Publish that shit!"

8:20
Our first trade! Hey Cleveland, it's a passing league. See you at home the next ten Januarys.

8:32
Berman: "Hold onto your hats!!11!1!1!!11!!1"

8:33
Seems like the first five picks are pretty much going in order of a lot of analysts' boards, even if the teams involved have shuffled a bit. I think "draft analyst" has to be the easiest job around: watch football, take some notes, comb your hair. And if you're wrong from time to time? Blame it on the GMs. What a life.

8:41
Werder looks like he's on a webcam. Tweak those RGB settings!

8:45
Mark Barron's off the board. His shirt is purple.

8:46
Dolphins coming up. I don't care what they do here, this team won't win four games. It's Tannehill. Kiper can't believe it. Tannehill looks like the type who would drive to New Hampshire and buy firecrackers for Luck to throw at dogs, then sit back and laugh it up.

8:52
Welcome to the show, Suzy Kolber! She shops at the orange-of-one-thousand-desert-suns make-up store.

9:15
I just spent too much time picking onions off of a frozen supreme pizza. You see, I like the pepperoni and the sausage and the peppers but not the onions. Anyway, I've got to start fast-forwarding.

9:19
What's the crowd yelling every time Goodell announces "With the nth pick in the 2012 NFL Draft…"? It sounds like "What??" Is Stone Cold in the house?

9:31
Jets on the clock! "With the sixteenth pick in the 2012 NFL draft—What??—the New York Jets select… Tim Tebow!" Actually it's Quinton Coples, and he's supposed to be pretty good. But can he catch passes? This team is a mess.

9:41
Coples's pre-recorded introduction to his highlight reel shows him slowly jabbing at his watch before turning away to the director as if to say "Was that good?" They couldn't end the clip one second earlier? I hope Solder can block this guy.

9:50
Adam Schefter is fired up. "We'll be back with more picks!1!!1!1" If he doesn't grab a ruler and challenge Chris Mortenson to whip it out in the next twenty minutes I'll put those onions back on my pizza.

9:59
Shea McClellin, a.k.a. "The Guy Every White-Trash South Boston Tweaker Wants to Draft," just went to the Bears. I'm still behind on the broadcast so I figure the Stadium must be burnt halfway to the ground by now.

10:08
This is what I get for watching on delay and fast-forwarding through everything: suddenly the Pats are picking at twenty-one! Don't know the details yet and I'm not jumping ahead. Hopefully they traded the twenty-seventh and maybe a third-rounder and will stay put at thirty-one to grab a corner or safety. Let's see. Whoops, Berman says "New England up next, and Adam talked about that." Time to rewind.

10:00
Thanks, Adam, for spoiling who they're going to take (Syracuse's Chandler Jones) and providing no trade details whatsoever.

10:01
Ford is using Donovan and the Jeff Beck Group's "Goo Goo Barabajagal (Love Is Hot)" in this Taurus commercial. Shit, I'll buy one now. "Truth is molt-uhhhnnn." Make it two!

10:10
The PFW plan didn't work out. It's 11:30 and I'm barely halfway through this thing. Sorry boys, I'll listen at work next week.

10:11
Jets fans in the house are booing, so it must be time for the good guys to pick. "What??" Schefter was right. ESPN is evidently on about a ten-second delay because Goodell announced it, they flipped to Jones's living room and he and his family stood there doing nothing for a bit before eventually whooping it up. Jones is wearing a cadmium-green (I looked it up) shirt in his profile photo and I'm pumped—that's my favorite color for G. to wear. Deion Branch, you might have some competition!

10:13
The Browns just drafted a forty-five-year-old quarterback.

10:21
The Pittsburgh Towels take David DeCastro, who Berman calls "an old-fashioned guard." Translation: "an ugly white dude."

10:22
Wait, what? Pats picking again at twenty-five? I have no idea what's going on. Rewind. Traded up to grab some linebacker from Alabama, a team that could contend for an AFC wild-card spot. I love it, light a fucking spark under Mayo's ass. Still don't know what Belichick gave up for either of these picks, though—nice job, Bristol! If they have a second-rounder left then I'm fine.

10:26
The goddamn crawl says the Pats are still picking at thirty-one. That can't be right. Unfortunately I'm afraid to ask Google because I'm still an hour behind and I don't want to spoil anything.

10:40
Packers just took USC's Nick Perry. If the Pats are indeed still at thirty-one I bet they trade out now. That's what the Ravens just did.

10:45
Vikings reach for safety Harrison Smith. Lots of locals had him coming here in a few picks. OK, now the ticker says the Buccaneers are at thirty-one. How about some info?

10:50
Goodell is announcing the 49ers' pick, only the Bucs' pirate flag is on the massive display behind him. Smooth operation all around.

10:57
Alright, the Giants are up. That means this thing is almost over and I can look up what the hell I missed with my itchy fast-forward thumb: Patriots Twitter says it was number twenty-seven and a third to move up to twenty-one and Pro Football Talk says they got to twenty-five by giving up thirty-one and a fourth. Kiper likes the Jones and Hightower picks and we held onto both of tomorrow's second-rounders. I'm cool with that. Goodnight.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Beer and football II — playoffs, week five
Super Bowl XLVI

The game: Patriots vs. Giants
The beer: Bear Republic Big Bear Black Stout
The result: Fuuuuuuck
The commentary: Time is a funny thing. With time, wounds heal. With time, losses seem unimportant. With time, you'd think you could stock a secondary with personnel at all capable of stopping one stinking drive at the end of the biggest game of the year. And with time, it's almost the middle of March and I have yet to write about the… unpleasantness.

There's not much to say that hasn't been said. I agree with future ex-Penn State head coach Bill O'Brien that Welker's non-catch wasn't really a drop. Where I seem to disagree with everyone is that the defense and not the offense lost this game (though one significant special teams play might have been enough to make a difference). The Giants have a good team, and when Brady and the boys aren't performing as well as they could it's up to our defense to win a game for once. For once! The coverage on that long Manningham catch was really solid, from what my already-fuzzy-on-the-details memory tells me, but you must stop that touchdown drive. The signs were there all season, up to and including a shaky finish against the Ravens—take away two great plays by Sterling Moore, another undrafted castoff, and there's not even a Super Bowl loss to mourn. Why Belichick continues to saddle himself with heroic efforts in coaching up mediocre talent instead of searching for the next Lawrence Taylor is beyond me, beyond reason, beyond space. It was the defense. It was always the defense.

Once again I'll watch the draft in anticipation of snaring high-upside defensive beasts—maybe this will be the year, and the defense will evolve from one watched through the narrow slits between my fingers. No-shows like Jermaine Cunningham, Ron Brace and Gary Guyton will be holding down benches on any of thirty-one other sidelines. Nice role players like Mark Anderson (free agent right now) and Kyle Arrington will indeed be used as nice role players who can maximize their specialized skills as game situations dictate, instead of playing so regularly that their limits become exposed. Two or three rookies who can start immediately, McCourty getting at least halfway to year one's production, Wilfork continuing to do what he does on slightly fewer snaps… suddenly you're a top-fifteen defense. Pair a top-fifteen defense with this offense, whether or not they draft a receiver capable of playing significant snaps by Thanksgiving, and there's your XLVII ticket. (End spoiled rant.)

Up next: Surely death! Beer, football and G. will return next season. Cheers!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Beer and foo Stall tactic!

I'm not yet ready to discuss beer and catastrophe. Instead, let's mourn the imminent death of my smartphone's camera by celebrating some of its best narrative photographs. Click to enlarge.

We'll start with the preciousness. I love this picture, from the same "session" as week five. G. was all about funny faces that day—it looks like she's about to pull off a mask and reveal herself as a V baby or something. She is the best.

Here's the orange frame I got in December's yankee swap (still don't have a print for it). I was diligently working away one afternoon when I glanced over and liked the way our blinding sun projected the Dunkin Donuts cup's shadow upon it. I promise this is in no way staged. It is art.

Garden Fresh Salad Co. in Chelsea is located, as you would expect with a name like "Garden Fresh," next door to one scrapyard and across the street from another. It's also a stone's throw from the train tracks, as demonstrated by this shot taken from a passing commuter rail car. You can get no fresher than backhoes, discarded appliances, telephone lines, barbed wire and a foot of snow.

The later stages of August's BBC beer dinner at Cambridge Common. What a great night, made greater by the no-show table neighbor whose beers were split evenly between my two friends and me. I was pretty all set.

We took a long walk in Marblehead in the Spring, and at the time I thought the "dichotomy" of these signs was really something else. It was hilarious to me in some subtle, clever way. For the life of me, though, I can't remember what the big deal was—I no longer get the joke. Any ideas?

I swear, every time I whip out my camera in an outdoor setting I end up with a picture exactly like this, taken from the same goddamn angle, with the same proportion of sky to structure. And I don't even realize it until I upload the photos afterward and realize "Hmm, that looks familiar." Here's the Newburyport version, taken during a trip soon after G. was born.

Turning this one ninety degrees changes the message from CAUTION: WET FLOOR to CAUTION: LUNGING ASSASSIN. Dig the cheesy rose-colored marble in my old building. At least it will still be standing in five years, unlike the new one which I think came from Ikea.

I don't know what to make of the logo for a local dry cleaner. Clearly the goal was to present an all-powerful superhero who zaps stains away from racks of undersized clothing. To me, however, he looks like an evil puppet master with wonderful child-bearing hips.

This was my Halloween costume a couple of years ago. I dressed up as someone who shops in the adolescents department at Marshall's.

A. and I traveled to Block Island in the Fall of 2010. We rented a scooter and toured most of the accessible roadways, but we had to stop at one point in order to document what total badasses we were in those helmets. Do not fuck with us.

The uncommon (though less so, recently) spelling of my name was inspired by a character on the old television series The Big Valley. TV Land or somebody plays a lot of reruns—here's a recent one. Do not fuck with Jarrod.

Here I am sitting in our hotel room in Montreal trying to decide which RetroCamera setting was best. I think people rely too much on these things—any old fool can oversaturate an image—but I'll admit it is fun to mix them in from time to time. So I composed the same shot over and over, applying a different filter for each one in order to compare them side by side. I think this Polaroid knock-off turned out especially creepy, like it's one of those purposely staid images where if you look closely enough you can make out a demon or a bloody screwdriver in the shadows.

A. and I had a little scare early in our pregnancy that thankfully turned out to be nothing. Upon learning the good news (or, rather, having a doctor rule out any bad news) we celebrated by heading straight from the hospital to Woody's Grill & Tap, one of my all-time favorite restaurants (I used to live right around the corner). Our joy and relief were palpable as we enjoyed the best pizza in Boston, snug in front of the brick oven, with A. sneaking sips of my Coffeehouse Porter. Around the Horn was on the TV above the bar and there must have been a malfunction with the closed captioning because it read WHO HAVE TO BE BORING? the entire half hour. What a brilliant sentence fragment—we laughed and laughed and it was just what we needed.

Lastly, as I said at the top, the shutter on my phone's camera is having trouble handling light and therefore has been slow to function—just try explaining that to a squirming five-month-old as you attempt to snap her picture. Anyway, there's an auto body repair shop right on the East Boston/Revere town line that puts its trade to good use when a local sports team is in a championship game or series—naturally, they stage the remains of an accident out front. Leading up to the (gulp) Super Bowl, they had decked out a giant SUV in Patriots colors and had it colliding with and destroying a compact coupe with a Giants logo painted on it. The coupe was pretend burning and everything. As we drove by one night I tried to snap a quick picture to post on Facebook—I even had a caption written in my head, "The flames are fake but the fire is REAL"—when my camera called bullshit on that. A. had to keep moving because traffic was heavy, so I just started shooting random pictures to see if it would fix itself. It wouldn't: the above is a single photograph and not a collage—one click, no post-click editing. The reddish section is pretty much straight ahead, the way I was facing, but the others represent alternate realities where I aimed the camera anywhere from left to right. Time for a new phone.

Maybe I'll return next week to try to work out what the hell happened in Indianapolis (hint: terrible defense!). Beyond that, I'm in a bit of what might be called a creative trough. Beefheart? Sure, but I haven't read the book yet. Short story? I have a title, Trial Size, and nothing else. At least there will be six thousand or so words to look forward to in May when I barf up another overlong annual playlist. Two of those words? Iron Maiden.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Beer and football II — playoffs, week four (bye)

The beer: Boulder "Mojo" India Pale Ale
The commentary: Twenty-one beers with one more to go. Let's recap by relating each week's selection to a player on this year's Patriots. Smell the contrivance!

1. Berkshire Saint of Circumstance India Pale AleTom Brady
Most valuable. I'd start the season with no other.

2. Rogue Mocha PorterAndre Carter
A. being all "Are you gonna drink that or what??" was the equivalent of fans (and media) clamoring for a pass-rushing force. Sorry he won't be on the field this weekend.

3. Clown Shoes Lubrication American Black AleChad Ochocinco
Lots of noise and controversy over something that didn't work out very well. "Ochocinco" is Spanish for "debased ethnic whore."

4. Notch SaisonNate Solder
Notch's session beers were a nice discovery of mine. High level of quality but not as strong as you might prefer, like my man Nate. Luckily power is something Solder can achieve "at the NFL level" over the next couple of years.

5. Pretty Things Hedgerow BitterRob Gronkowski
Remember 2010's draft, with the scramble at the top of the second round as the Pats jumped ahead of the Ravens at the last second to snag Gronkowski? Very similar to that asshole who I thought took the last Hedgerow.

6. Berkshire Oktoberfest LagerRob Ninkovich
Octoberfest beers usually serve as overlooked role players—never elite but often satisfying. Sound familiar?

7. Samuel Adams Boston LagerBenJarvus Green-Ellis
There is no beer I take for granted more so than Boston Lager. With every first sip I'm all "Goddamn, this is a great beer." Always reliable, just like the Law Firm. Watching him bust it up the other day was extremely rewarding.

8. Cambridge Great Pumpkin AleDeion Branch
Pumpkin beers have a limited shelf life but when it's on, it's on. Branch (my daughter's favorite player) plays every game and rarely gets noticed but when he's on, he's on.

9. Blue Hills Imperial Red India Pale AleBrandon Spikes
Spikes must have pounded one of these nine-percent-alcohol monsters before donning that pink suit. Whatever it takes, man.

10. Haverhill GestAlt German-Style Brown AleSebastian Vollmer
I wasted some of this bomber after it spewed all over the kitchen. Meanwhile, "The Texan Kraut" wasted a roster spot most of the season by playing like four games. Hopefully he makes a strong comeback Sunday, or at least plays a single down.

11. Stone Smoked PorterStevan Ridley
Very tempting early (Raider game), disappeared awhile, came back strong and then was inactive after too many fumbles. A smoked porter was mine for a few minutes during 2010's yankee swap but was taken away, so I got one of my own this year. Then I got drunk and A. made me a healthy scratch from baby duty.

12. Ipswich Oatmeal StoutWes Welker
Awesome but underappreciated. Why don't I drink this more often? Pay the man!

13. Just Beer Moby D American AleKyle Arrington
Arrington led the league in interceptions by being in the right place at the right time as balls were thrown or tipped straight to him. And that Mansfield-area liquor store was definitely in the right place at the right time as we drove south to a family get-together and I was sans six pack. I snagged the Moby D there as well.

14. Berkshire Steel Rail Extra Pale AleJerod Mayo
The Steel Rail is fine but not as good as I remember from my days in the 413. Similarly, you can count on Mayo to lead the team in tackles every week but he'll never leave his mark on a game like Ray Lewis or Patrick Willis.

15. People's Pint Scotch AleBrian Waters
Good thing we picked up Waters mere seconds before the first game of the season, much like my out-of-the-way discovery of this delicious Scotch ale I didn't realize I needed. Wonderful stories, both.

16. Ipswich 20th Anniversary Imperial Pale AlePatrick Chung
It felt like Chung hadn't played for twenty years but he eventually came back strong and (possibly) revitalized the defense. Please strike this from the record if Eli throws for three hundred.

17. Samuel Adams Vixen Chocolate Chili Bock LagerAaron Hernandez
Another high-alcohol beer that probably killed a few brain cells. Lots of flavor, versatility and humor in each of these.

18. Founders PorterVince Wilfork
Premium beer—only four bottles per pack, in honor of Big Vince consistently playing all four downs throughout the season.

19. Slumbrew Porter Square PorterDevin McCourty
High expectations, but among the more disappointing beer- or football-related things all season. Hopefully McCourty can bounce back with a solid Super Bowl performance and Slumbrew can redeem itself when I inevitably try its in-development "Beetlejuice" ale.

20. Shipyard Double Old Thumper AleMatt Light
Seems like no one should have to take on so many double thumpers in a season: Demarcus Ware, James Harrison, Dwight Freeney, Brian Orakpo, Elvis Dumervil (twice), Terrell Suggs and all those Giant bruisers (twice!). Undoubtedly his finest season.

21. Boulder Mojo India Pale Ale – Kyle Love
Love? Mojo? I'm stretching. But my man Kyle is one of those low-round/undrafted guys who comes in and plays like a second rounder. A no-nonsense football player, like this no-nonsense cask brew I got at Cambridge Common the other night, though Love might be a tad larger than thirteen ounces per pour.

Tonight I'll head to Vinnin Liquors to get the Super Bowl beer. Exciting! I'm keeping an open mind but will probably aim for an expensive, highly rated stout—thankfully I have Beer Advocate bookmarked on my phone. Regarding the contest itself, I think the Pats take six of ten games against these guys, and since they've already lost to them once this season the odds of winning in Indy increase to sixty-seven percent. I'll take it: 28–17, good guys.

Up next: XLVI. Go Pats!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Beer and football II — playoffs, week three
AFC Championship

The game: Ravens at Patriots
The beer: Shipyard Double Old Thumper Ale
The result: Win, 23–20
The commentary: It's not so hard to relate to a billionaire. Robert Kraft is suffering a pain I never want to experience, and the manner in which he continues to carry himself and so publicly express his emotions, affections and spirituality is remarkable. I know what it's like to marry your best friend, to be blessed together with the most amazing child in the world and to wonder every day if your love for the two qualifies as psychotic. There are many important things in life, things no one can bear to lose. Football is not one of them. I hope Kraft is OK.

Some thoughts on Sunday's victory:

The picture above was taken after the win. It's the best we got once we were able to coerce G. into looking at the camera with those beautiful blue eyes and the rosycheeksofloveIwanttoeatthem! I apologize that I'm a little blurry and drowsy-looking, I was pretty buzzed.

Speaking of buzzed, the eleven-percent-alcohol Double Old Thumper was quite delicious and probably would have kicked my ass if it weren't for some chili con queso and most of a bag of corn chips. I've written before that a sample of regular Old Thumper (an English-style pale ale) during a Shipyard brewery tour and a pint of Lost Sailor IPA (also a less-hoppy English style) at a Berkshire beer dinner opened my eyes (mouth?) to how tasty "hoppy" beers can be when ignoring the many American brewers who go batshit with the hops. I am forever grateful.

For maybe the first time this season I watched this game more or less live. As such I had to put up with the regular announcer-generated nonsense like Phil Simms's repeated assertions that the Ravens need a "drive starter." "That's not the drive starter I was looking for." "See, this is a good drive starter right here." "Drive starter!" Also, perhaps I missed it but when the hell did Gronkowski return after that injury? Thanks for bringing it to my attention, Phil! [Edit: Apparently his first play back was on Brady's crazy over-the-top touchdown, which is the first play I noticed him on. I was definitely watching live at that point and neither Simms nor Jim Nantz said "Holy moly, Gronkowski is back! A machine like no other!" Great work.]

G. thrust her arms straight up in the air five seconds before Torrey Smith's third-quarter touchdown. It was heartbreaking and I had to lock her in the closet for the rest of the quarter.

When Woodhead fumbled during the ensuing third-quarter kick return I said through the closet door "It only took sixteen games but they finally have to pull him off return duty now, right hon?" Wrong. The Human Touchback was out there later on following a Ravens field goal. I know nothing about football.

Tom Brady has never, ever had to quiet the crowd like he did after his initial fourth-quarter touchdown was overturned. The fans brought it for two weeks straight, even if they don't know when to keep the noise down. I loved it and I hope the bulk of them make the trip to Indy.

All season I've done a good job remembering there's a baby in the house and I should no longer yell and leap from the couch whenever the Pats make a big play. Tell that to Brandon Spikes—I yelled so loud on his interception that G. started bawling and I had to walk her around for a minute before she settled down. I was somehow able to contain myself after sitting back on the couch, resuming the broadcast and witnessing my near-death at the hands of Bernard Pollard, Jimmy Williams and Matthew Slater (!). (Later, G. cried for only a second or two when I yelled "He missed it!" She is my rock.)

This whole controversy with the scoreboard being off by a down (displaying third instead of fourth) is about the best excuse Billy Cundiff could have stumbled into. If this idiot, for whom the offense is trying to improve field position for the game-tying field goal, doesn't know the down and distance at every second of the drive then it's his own fault for having to rush through his "process." Screw him and his wide-left.

I watched the NFC game in the living room while putting together the new full-sized crib. It's the last time I'll ever assemble a piece of furniture outside of the room in which it will end up—that thing barely fit through the bedroom door.

Extracurricular observations:

A. and I heard "Thin Line Between Love and Hate" by the Persuaders the other morning in the car. It's like a parody of an R. Kelly song, thirty years early. "Are you hungry? Did you eat yet?" Lady, it's 5:00 in the morning and your man's just getting home! Also, did she poison his meal or something? It's not clear. Poor narrative structure.

So Pat Sajak drinks between tapings of Wheel of Fortune. Big deal. The only thing that would surprise me less is if he were a functioning illiterate who signs his paychecks with a big X.

Lastly, a big eye-rolling thanks to the MBTA for personally demonstrating to me how they remain in the red year after year. I bought one of those twelve-ride passes because A. and I now drive to and from work every day (I feel bad about that but public transportation is too unreliable to line up with daycare schedules; it's also fucking expensive), but occasionally I might take a train if I need to go in early, stay late, etc. The pass doesn't save anything compared to purchasing twelve individual one-way tickets but the convenience is worth the upfront money. Anyway, I now understand that this is the way to go because I've had one ride remaining for the last four or five trips, including this morning's, and it hasn't cost me a dime—apparently conductors, when they even bother to check at all for tickets during rush hour, don't want to be the one to void a pass by punching that twelfth ride. And here we go again with the fare hikes.

Up next: It's a Patriot-free Pro Bowl, which is just the way I like them outside of the Rod Rust era. I will not watch one second of it. Cheers!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Beer and football II — playoffs, week two


The game: Broncos at Patriots
The beer: Slumbrew Porter Square Porter
The result: Win, 45–10
The commentary: I'm sticking with the thumb-sucking theme, before and after versions. Again, these pictures weren't taken on game day—it was really Monday at the mall—and in the second one she's sporting the vacant stare of someone who wishes she hadn't just taken her thumb out of her mouth. The void left behind projects a dim-wittedness I assure you isn't there because she is the smartest baby but I like the inferred apprehension: "The Patriots played like world champions… against the Broncos."

I actually missed the first few minutes of the game—I was so wrapped up in the amazing Saints/49ers fourth quarter and its postgame coverage that I didn't switch over in time. I was under the impression the start of the second playoff game had to be held until the first was all-the-way over, due to the television contracts and the fat cats and all. But it wasn't so horrible to be proven wrong as I switched to CBS in time to see Hernandez rip off a forty-yard run, followed immediately by the Welker touchdown. G. turned to me and said "That's the game, I'm going to bed." She was right—bedtime for her is usually 8:30 or 9:00.

I have to assume it was Josh McDaniels who came up with the Little White Guy Mix-Up plays on Sunday. Put Welker and Edelman next to each other on the line or make one of them trace the other's route, sit back and watch the defense freak out when they can't tell which is Welker. I loved it. Hopefully this is explored even further next year when the team makes Edelman change his number to thirteen or eighty-two.

Unfortunately the Slumbrew was just OK. I'd read about this Somerville-based brewery in one of Patriots Daily's buffet spreads and filed it away to seek out. I should have known better—the label's kinetic red sculpture, straight out of Porter Square itself, brought back memories of Cambridge's… nay, the world's… most evil parking lot. Narrow spaces! No left turn! Crosswalk! Trapped! I'm not sophisticated enough to provide more criticism than "it didn't taste like much" (I'm quite certain that won't be a problem tomorrow, to the tune of eleven percent alcohol) and I was disappointed. Various porters are among my favorite beers and removing flavor, pleasant or foul, seems as though it would require a major effort when producing this style. Anyway, it wasn't nearly as bad as last January's godforsaken altbier. But what could be?

I've complained an awful lot the past few months about the defense in general, the defense in specific terms and each individual personnel decision the team has made since 2006. I'm all set with that, at least until Belichick trades out of the first round—twice!—in April (or, you know, if Ray Rice, Torrey Smith and Anquan Boldin go apeshit tomorrow). The Patriots are in the AFC Championship and I expect them to win. Ed Reed might get his crazy athletic interception, Terrell Suggs and Ray Lewis might get a couple of bone-crunching sacks and Haloti Ngata might eat Ridley and Green-Ellis for an afternoon snack. But they can't cover Welker and Gronkowski and Hernandez and Branch and Faulk (big game for him, I think), especially once Brady starts directing the no-huddle. Rice will give our appalling (sorry!) defense headaches even as they overcompensate in covering/shadowing him but Joeflacco's moustache will have to play from behind for much of the game, and its sloppy trim job will grow more unkempt as the evening progresses. (Any or all of McCourty, Arrington and Ihedigbo will still find ways to look foolish.) (Sorry again!) Hopefully last week's crowd shows up and honorary captains Troy Brown, Ty Law, Tedy Bruschi and Drew Bledsoe (I would like to have seen Ted Johnson, Lawyer Milloy or Willie McGinest, too) have big smiles on their faces as the Pats are awarded another Lamar Hunt Trophy. Final score: 30–24.

Up next: The Pats host the Ravens, and the winner moves on to face either the Giants or the 49ers in the Super Bowl. What year is this? Cheers!