Friday, October 28, 2011

Hit me!

The Patriots are my non-daughter-based obsession lately, and although they're only really relevant for three hours a week there are so many blogs to read and so much media to listen to and watch that it's almost a full-time job. Add in how long it takes to drink a giant beer and write another "our defense sucks" post each week and I won't find the inspiration to write about much non-football related stuff until I dig the Beefheart book out of my nightstand. So I'll manufacture some.

A. and I bought a new car in June, the first for either of us. Exciting! With it came a free three-month subscription to Sirius. It didn't seem like a big deal—we figured we'd listen now and then and not fret once it expired, instead relying on our iPods when FM radio couldn't cut it. Annoyed grunt! Classic Vinyl? Backspin? The Boneyard? These stations are essential. Two weeks ago we re-upped.

The one that sold us, I think, is Soul Town, featuring Detroit, Memphis and other classics from the fifties, sixties and early seventies. It's generally family-friendly (I remember "motherfucker" slipping through on Curtis Mayfield's "Do Do Wap Is Strong in Here" one time) and G. seems to enjoy it the way A. and I enjoyed oldies radio when we were kids (we project a lot). They do a good job mixing familiar (ranging from "I love this song!" to "I remember this song!") and obscure stuff, and though they (and other Sirius stations) tend to repeat themselves a little too much—we've heard Freda Payne's "Band of Gold" about twenty times in the past week and a half—it's all pretty excellent.

In honor of Soul Town (or "Sooouuul Town," as I call it) I thought I'd throw up my own little hour-ish revue for a crisp Friday evening. I purchased these in the past few days: some are big hits I'd already… acquired… in the last ten or twelve years. Some are digging a little deeper into familiar artists' catalogs. Some are in Soul Town's regular rotation and I just can't get them out of my head. I don't feel like sequencing it so I'll lean on my old friend Alphabetical Order. It actually works pretty well.

1. The Beginning of the End – Funky Nassau (Part 1)
See what I'm talking about? Alphabetical Order knows what she's doing. (Alphabetical Order is a woman because she's always bossing you around.)

2. Sam Cooke – Bring It on Home to Me
My father got me into the Animals at a young age and I am forever grateful. But their version of "Bring It on Home to Me" is an attempted carbon copy of Cooke's original and, though I still like it, it doesn't come close.

3. Crystals – He Hit Me (and It Felt Like a Kiss)
Wikipedia tells me this song was a bit controversial because it seemed to endorse spousal abuse. See the trouble you get into when you pay attention to lyrics?

4. Dells – I Can Sing a Rainbow/Love Is Blue
Edan's "I See Colours" (from the award-winning Beauty and the Beat) samples this nicely. And Jeff Beck did a fine job with "Love Is Blue" in 1968. But I can't tell you a damn thing about the Dells.

5. Four Tops – Bernadette
Once a year I think someone should write a song where it pretends to fade out and then the singer shouts "Bernadette!" You would have my annual 99¢, hypothetical future bands.

6. Marvin Gaye – I Heard It Through the Grapevine
My recent exploration of "Louie, Louie" had its roots in "Grapevine" when, years ago, I tracked down as many versions as I could find. Creedence just kills it but this is still the one.

7. Isaac Hayes – Breakthrough
I don't know how this song was used in Truck Turner but if my revue were a soundtrack then "Breakthrough" would play during the montage sequence where I'm strutting up and down the block, pushing drugs, copping feels, looking good. Right before the shit hits the fan.

8. Ike & Tina Turner – It's Gonna Work Out Fine
I'm a sucker for call-and-response duets (Inez & Charlie Foxx's "Mockingbird" was under consideration here). Anyone else think Ike & Tina should have covered that Crystals song?

9. Impressions – Check Out Your Mind
"Check Out Your Mind" is a Soul Town favorite. What do you call it when a band interrupts the time signature like the Impressions do here before each chorus? I love that.

10. Marvelettes – Beechwood 4-5789
A. bought this last week. I had to buy it again because she innocently got the most-popular version on iTunes, which is one of those crazy sixties super-stereo mixes. With older songs (particularly Motown) that appear on a thousand different compilations you have to listen to every sample on headphones before committing. Mine is a superior mono from The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 2.

11. Wilson Pickett – Don't Knock My Love (Part 1)
The A-side-single half of the title track from Pickett's 1971 album, the cover of which features Pickett and his swollen genitals leaning against a Rolls Royce. Unfortunately, as with "Funky Nassau," you can't download parts one and two together as a single track.

12. Otis Redding – A Change Is Gonna Come
I think Otis is a little overrated but this is the sort of thing I like from him. You can tell that sometimes (usually when covering popular hits like "A Hard Day's Night) he's mailing it in with extra postage. The MG's wisely stay out of his way here and he really gets into it.

13. Sam & Dave – May I Baby
Hey, I have a baby! I don't need to walk her home though. She can't even walk yet! Available with "Soul Man" as a stolen-idea digital 45.

14. Nina Simone – Plain Gold Ring
Probably closer to blues than to soul. It doesn't matter, Sirius categorizes Soul Town as "Hip-Hop/R&B" anyway so I'll be equally lazy and lump all black music together too. Regardless, Nina Simone is the real deal and tells a much richer story than Freda Payne goes on about every day.

15. Six Finger Satellite – Deep Freeze
How'd this get in here?

16. Supremes – You Keep Me Hangin' On
Why was Diana Ross the feature member of this group? She comes off like a real asshole who couldn't really sing too well. All the magic of this song is in Florence Ballard and Mary Wilson's backing vocals, the Funk Brothers' stone groove and the slick production. Though I do like how a double-tracked Ross keeps pronouncing "free" as "fuh-ree."

17. Temptations – (I Know) I'm Losing You
Wonderful Funk Brothers block. I prefer the Temptations' "psychedelic" Dennis Edwards era but this David Ruffin effort from 1966 is tighter than Wilson Pickett's trousers. Probably my favorite pre-Cloud Nine song.

18. The Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band – Till You Get Enough
This is a great song but I have no idea how it was a hit single in 1968. I guess a boring cover of "Light My Fire" on the B-side probably helped. If it weren't for that harlot Alphabetical Order I'd have closed with this.

19. Bill Withers – You
This would have been perfect for my next overlong annual playlist but it's too good to sit on until May. "Use Me" is a Soul Town favorite but I already have that.

20. Stevie Wonder – Nothing's Too Good for My Baby
Damn right I've got a pearl of a girl! Classic pre-synthesizer Stevie. Stacks of amazing singles from the mid to late sixties more than make up for seventies nonsense like "You Are the Sunshine of My Life" and "Boogie on Reggae Woman."

Alright, I can feel the Patriots' defense studying their playbooks tonight, holding them upside down and wondering why there aren't more pictures—that's the only explanation. In the meantime, I should finish The Exorcist tomorrow (really, really good and intense) and then maybe I'll start Dracula because I'm a Halloween dork. But after that I think it'll finally be 33⅓: Trout Mask Replica. I teased my Nico piss-taker for almost a year and I'm pretty happy with the way that post turned out. Hopefully this will be even more epic. Almost as epic as Mike Wallace's undressing of Devin McCourty on Sunday. (Pats still win big.)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Beer and football II — weeks six and seven

Week six
The game: Cowboys at Patriots
The beer: Berkshire Oktoberfest Lager
The result: Win, 20–16
The commentary: I think it's going to be a Berkshire-heavy season—six weeks in and I'm already onto a second offering. My team's won five of six games, though, and even if I'm not superstitious (very much) I'm not going to buck that. I've got a third in the fridge that's ready to go in an emergency anyway. In fact, the only way I would lay off additional Berkshires is if I've accumulated so many bombers over the past couple of months that I might already be able to finish out the regular season. And if you think I'm shopping ahead for an anticipated playoff run after what happened last year with the (gulp) Shabadoo then you know nothing about football either.

The Oktoberfest was nice. I'm pretty sure it was included in that beer dinner I attended a couple of months ago and, if so, none of the three of us was overly impressed for some reason. Possibly it only works its magic in October or something, I don't know. How would a pumpkin ale taste in March? Apparently like death. Anyway, here's what I remember about the Cowboys game:

The Pats had no chance of losing, even when they were on their own twenty yard line and down three points with two-and-a-half minutes remaining. The only way Brady doesn't march up the field against a suddenly scaredy-cat defense was if he'd been shot by the same sniper who earlier took down Gary Guyton during an attempt to tackle Dez Bryant.

Our defense performed "admirably" for the second week in a row because the idiot opposing head coaches decided not to target the horrible secondary with long passes. I can't understand it, but I'll take it.

Tony Romo is really, really awful. I enjoy the NFL Network's Sound FX (formerly Mic'd Up), which recaps three games a week from players' and/or coaches' perspectives, and in teasing Patriots–Cowboys before going to commercial the narrator asked "Would Tony Romo be a superhero against the Patriots? Or would Tom Brady prove he's the Man of Steel?" My infant daughter just rolled her eyes.


Week seven (bye)
The beer: Samuel Adams Boston Lager
The commentary: Stupid Jets. That's two games they were let off the hook, the first being against (shocker!) pop group Tony & the Boys. I will not count out the Jets until they're playing golf in January. People keep saying how much Sanchez sucks but I just don't see it. He's no Brady, Brees or Peyton-Corpse but he's also no Romo, McNabb or Tebow. He's won some big games and even looked good carrying the team on his back when clowns like Tomlinson suddenly take ill (loved the classic sideline shots of him feeling sorry for himself; if you aren't motivated to shine against the team that gave up on you then maybe you should sulk away from the football field for the rest of your life). Maybe he's expected to win games more easily with outstanding players like Keller and Holmes to target but he's gone to two consecutive AFC title games. That's not all on Sanchez but clearly he's doing something right.

Speaking of quarterbacks, the thing I'm hearing from no one about the Colts is that Manning didn't play defense. He did his best to keep them off the field and maybe that covered up the fact that they were never any good. But giving up fifty-five offensive points? Even the 2009 Pats weren't as terrible against the Saints and the Saints went on to win the Super Bowl that year.

Before the Colts won in 2006/2007 I always questioned why they used top draft picks on offensive skill positions instead of on defense. Defense (and maybe a consistent running attack) was the reason they kept losing to the Pats and I just didn't get it. Then it hit me: why not give your most outstanding player the tools to succeed? Manning doesn't succeed with tough, versatile linebackers and safeties. Blue-chip receivers, uncoverable tight ends… that's how you do it. Score! Score! Give up thirty points and still win. Score! Throw the ball, Peyton! Touchdown, Colts! Score! Turns out I was right. Not only did they not draft well on defense (very few exceptions) or use low-round picks to develop above-average backup quarterbacks but there is not one Peyton-is-down-what-do-we-do piece in place, coaching staff included.

I finally came to respect Peyton after he finally won a Super Bowl. He was the guy who got all the stats and made all the commercials and didn't do shit in the playoffs. But the Super Bowl gave him credibility and turned Brady vs. Manning debates into balanced conversations, more Bird vs. Magic than Russell vs. Chamberlain. But the Colts team? I never respected the Colts team.

Crazed fans and media saying they should lie down the rest of the season, draft Andrew Luck (about whom I know nothing because I don't watch college ball) and trade Peyton did the same thing in 2008 with "Trade Brady!" when he went down and Matt Cassel was playing pretty well. These are the same idiots who scream "Why do we always play the Colts in Indianapolis?!" (Patriot fans) or "Why do we always play the Patriots in Foxborough?!" (Colts fans) year after year. If the Colts follow through on this insanity, trading away or letting walk a once-in-a-lifetime quarterback and the few remaining stars (Mathis, Freeney, Wayne) while continuing to not sign impact free agents then they're admitting to ten years of organizational failure.

On the opposite end of the success spectrum, most varieties of Sam Adams can stand up with any of the greats. The flagship lager is often the best beer available in a lot of the cookie-cutter Budweiser/Coors bars and restaurants in Massachusetts and for that reason it's terribly underrated and under-appreciated. It is delicious. When I saw the large bottle of Boston Lager (perhaps very slightly smaller than twenty-two ounces) it was an opportunity to highlight my reliable old friend on a blog no one reads.

Sooner or later (probably next season) I'm going to have to loosen up and not restrict my football beers to bomber-size because I'll have to start repeating selections or going whole-hog with particular brewers (hello Berkshire!). There just aren't enough for less than $7 a bottle, particularly since I generally don't like to represent someone more than once in a season (hello? Berkshire?) and I'd like to feature more non-regional ones. I was glad, then, to see Sam Adams cooperating last week—unless you want one of their double bocks or something, which are pretty expensive and harsh, they don't seem to embrace the large format. Maybe it was my imagination but it even seemed to taste as good as it does out of a tap; anything might have, though, after bye-week chores like mowing the lawn and scrubbing the bathtub. I still trust it was genuinely good. Regardless, once I break down and start incorporating six-packs into my Sundays (maybe not entire six-packs) then I will leave the door open for good ole Sammy A-Damn (not an actual nickname) and welcome him, warmly, into my home.

Up next: The Pats travel to Heinz Field for one of my favorite games of the year, Let's Watch Tom Brady Toy with the Steelers Bowl VII. In Pittsburgh they refer to it as Your Quarterback Is a Homo and Ours Is Not, as Demonstrated by a Pattern of Sexual Assaults Against Women Bowl III. Cheers!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Beer and football II — week five

The game: Jets at Patriots
The beer: Pretty Things Hedgerow Bitter
The result: Win, 30–21
The commentary: My little girl knows what's up. She doesn't get all bothered the way her dad does over how poor a defense a 4–1 team might have. Here she is, really taking the time to weigh all sides of the issue, pondering just how to classify a team with an out-of-this world offense and a bottom-of-the-barrel defense. Maybe she'll have the answers one day. Maybe she'll be able to talk by then. In the meantime: dimples!

Another weird game. Nothing to see here with the offense, thirty points again, thanks for asking. But the defense… the defense! They gave up twenty-one points to a team that, from what I can tell, wasn't trying to score. Instead of letting Sanchez sit back in the face of an anemic pass rush and mix up short and intermediate passes against a weak secondary they decided to try something that hasn't worked all season against the one part of Belichick's defense that hasn't been terrible. Keller was "held to" (since it was an offensive scheme and not a defensive counter-scheme) one catch. That man is a killer! Holmes, Burress, Tomlinson, even this Kerley guy, all wasted by poor offensive coaching. It's almost poetic.

Ground and pound! Ground and pound!
My ground and pound is worl' renowned.
A row of Patsies lef' spellbound
All up n' down the whole playground.

Say there, baby, tightly wound,
Let's you n' me go fool around.
I'll show you what you ain't yet found
And take you there without no bound.

Jus' wait a sec… big Vince's mound…
Nowheres to go, east nor westbound.
Thought ground and pound was too profound.
Thought ground and pound be always crowned.

Too goddamn late to press rewound,
I lose three yards before I's downed.
My green Jet knees done got all browned.
My unsound ground and pound's aground.

Say where you at, my foxy hound?
Catch you on the next rebound?
At least I's got my meat to pound.
Pound and pound! Pound and pound!


The bitter was pretty good. I got it at another one of those tastings. Pretty Things is still Pretty Touch-and-Go to me but I like this one, just not as much as the St. Botolph's. Everyone else at the tasting liked it too and I gave someone the stink eye after I thought he took the last two bombers. More were hidden behind the counter, thankfully, but the stink eye was not rescinded.

Up next: The Jerry Jones Traveling Circus comes to Foxborough. They used the bye week to figure out a new way to stay competitive into the fourth quarter before crapping all over the game of football for the nth time in the Tony Romo era. Cheers!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Beer and football II — week four

The game: Patriots at Raiders
The beer: Notch Saison
The result: Win, 31–19
The commentary: I wonder what would have happened if Hank Williams Jr. compared Obama to Jesus. Will we ever survive without "Are you ready for some football?!" Forget for a minute that Monday Night Football is no longer all that relevant. Sure, my team was its first game of the year, and it's nice to drink on a Monday, but Monday night matchups have been pretty spotty ever since it migrated to ESPN. I can't be the only person who fast-forwarded through that rowdy-friends crap.

Essential analysis from my friends over at Patriots Daily after week three's vexing defeat. (I don't actually know the writers but I always, always agree with what they have to say and I would buy them all a round of Saisons given the opportunity.) They post a handful of items per week: a reaction to the previous game, a preview of what to look for in the upcoming game, a more in-depth examination of said game's key players and matchups, a wonderfully snarky around-the-league review and a nice "buffet table" of thematic/regional food and drink suggestions to enjoy on Sunday. (It's Clown Shoes this week, can you believe it? Apparently I didn't catch the pump dong on last week's Lubrication.) They'll also write more of a traditional column offering either a fresh perspective on an (elsewhere) overdone topic or an outside-the-box "think piece" covering some aspect of the team that flies under the radar of other media outlets like WEEI (usually too terrified to criticize the team) or the Globe or Herald (quick to criticize but more in the form of an aimless old man). This one sort of straddles that line and it's the best thing I've read on their site in the two or three years I've been following them. They target every gripe I've had with the team (particularly the defense) and really hammer home that poor drafting is the root of the issue. I love following Mike Reiss's reporting because no one gets the access he does and his analysis is usually excellent (or at least interesting) but I'm sure getting tired of him trying to tell us the defense isn't as bad as we think. Take this absurd point of view that the team is giving up more yards than anybody because, with good kickoff coverage, they have the most potential yards to give up. Or something. It's his worst writing since the last time (of many) he called the 2007 draft a success because Belichick used picks to acquire Welker and Moss, even though no one remains from that class after Lawyer Milloy and Fred Marion smothered Meriweather in his sleep last month.

Along those lines, I thought the two-part Bill Belichick: A Football Life was pretty good. It wasn't the best season to follow for sure—hindsight, I know, but if you're going to pick non-Super Bowl years then how fascinating would 2006 (no proven wide receivers, horrendous AFC Championship loss to the Colts) or 2008 (no Brady, no playoffs) have been? I guess we'll take whatever kind of behind-the-scenes footage of our tight-lipped coach that we can get. 2009 was such a weird year and I think they did as good a job documenting it as they could, particularly during the horrendous Saints game when Belichick is telling Brady "I just can't get these guys to play the way I want them to." Love the prolonged silences in that scene. The season might as well have ended right there.

The problem, oddly familiar with the current squad, is that "these guys" are not a collection of first-round draft picks who simply have yet to emerge as stars. Since the last Super Bowl victory and up through 2009 the list of big-impact draft picks consists of Logan Mankins (2005, last pick of the first round), Stephen Gostkowski (2006, and already stretching to include a kicker… as if stretching to include a guard wasn't bad enough), Jerod Mayo (2008) and Patrick Chung (2009). I'm not including Sebastian Vollmer because he's played only one game so far this season and probably won't play this afternoon. Things improved in 2010 with McCourty (fingers crossed he figures things out), Gronkowski (Pro Bowl for him this year) and Hernandez. Throw in some flashes from Spikes and excellent punting (stretching again!) from Mesko and it's a pretty good class, though Cunningham has played only a handful more quality snaps than my daughter this year. From 2011, it looks like Solder and Ridley are immediately doing very well. I have high hopes for Dowling but he's already been injured too much, and that's never a good sign. Nothing at all to go on with the rest, though I wonder if Vereen might see a little action today.

That's seven drafts featuring (I think) nine opportunities to select a game-changing player—offensive or defensive—in the first round, and that's before you start counting Belichick's intra-round dealings. Instead you're left with Mankins, Mayo and McCourty from the above list and a lot of trade down, trade down, trade into next year and so on. Never identifying a player and moving up to secure him, often having to settle. Even when they do target someone, as with Mayo, they moved down three spots from seven to ten and hoped he would still be there, gaining a third-round Shawn Crable to throw on the bust pile in the process. He was there. They got their guy. But how excited could they really have been about it? And how excited should we Patriots fans be that he'll be out for a few weeks with a knee injury and the defense he's leaving behind cannot possibly do worse without him? DeMarcus Ware, Haloti Ngata, Patrick Willis, Darelle Revis: pick one of these guys and the Pats win at least one of the last six Super Bowls (2007), probably two (2006) and maybe even three (2010). I'm being greedy, sure, but Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the league and his shitty shit-covered shit-bum defense is holding him back.

It comes down to players, and as the one who chooses his players—and who has ample opportunity for blue-chip rookies, with the picks he stashes away year after year—it's all on Belichick. I'll still take him as my team's head coach but I wish he would either loosen up his unrealistic and, lately, flawed standards and appraisals and start choosing the superstars-in-waiting instead of the overachieving undrafted free agents or, in an impossible scenario, relinquish his football operations responsibilities and bring in or promote someone (not Nick Caserio, who might be able to throw a tight spiral but has done nothing to influence the organization toward can't-miss defensive prospects) to shop for the groceries.

On that topic, a fond farewell to all-around nice guy Terry Francona. Baseball manager is the least important coaching position in all of professional sports unless the guy is also the team's general manager, and I'm not sure if that's even allowed. These are grown men playing a child's game and if they refuse to take it seriously then the best a manager can do is decide who should pitch, who should hit and how many cutoff guys should be in place when Jacoby Ellsbury shags a deep fly ball with a man on second. Theo Epstein brought in a bunch of bums who couldn't make it to the postseason again because they're not good enough. As I said, it comes down to players and talent. It's Theo's job (for now… tick, tick, tick) to recognize good players. It's not his job to pretend the Sox are a small-market team and look down upon the Monopoly-money Yankees because they overspend and don't rely enough on value. He'd spend just as much, and could, if he just had the balls. Increasingly it seems the ownership likes to meddle and likely has a (still high) self-imposed salary cap in place, but even if that's true it doesn't mean John Lackey was ever Theo's best idea. Once again I'm left to wonder what could have been if that 2004 team was left intact—I don't remember much about 2007 anyway. In short, if Theo gets to keep his job after Tito was unceremoniously kicked to the curb then I'm pretty all set with not caring about baseball for awhile. Honestly, I haven't in a few years anyway.

Back to football. The Jets have been talking all week about how they're going to return to ground-and-pound football, even if they don't have the personnel for it (though it sounds like Mangold will start, is that really a good idea?). I call bullshit on that: didn't they see the Raiders march ninety-nine yards in forty-eight seconds to score a meaningless touchdown at the end of the last week's game? What kind of defense allows that? Against Jason "Three Hundred Forty-four Yards" Campbell? The answer is either one that doesn't care (part of 2009's problem) or one that doesn't have enough football ability. Three guys played well on defense against the Raiders: Vince Wilfork, Patrick Chung and Brandon Spikes. Shaun Ellis made it clear why the Jets cut him. Sergio Brown is not the guy I had pretty high hopes for after a strong rookie season. Devin McCourty has secretly switched places with his inferior twin brother Jason from the Titans. There is nowhere to go but up and I'm glad a shaky Mark Sanchez is the opposing quarterback this week. (I'd still take Sanchez over Joeflacco, who ceaselessly scrambled around like a retarded monkey last week and won the game because his defense was better than the Jets'.) But it's a long, long way up.

I apologize that I'm spoiled and whining but excellence commands further, greater excellence. I just love this team so much! (I know you do, honey.) I love them so much! (I know.) On a lighter note, I'm excited the good guys are donning the classic Pat Patriot reds today. But why no cool blue and yellow New York Titans throwbacks for the Jets? It's like they're conceding victory already.

Up next: The Pats host the Jets in like twenty minutes. No outcome will surprise me. Cheers!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Beer and football II — week three

The game: Patriots at Bills
The beer: Clown Shoes Lubrication American Black Ale
The result: Loss, 34–31
The commentary: No pictures of my little girl will accompany losses, especially losses as ugly and perplexing as this. Deion Branch was invisible all day, and since he's her favorite player she will be too.

My boy Paul Perillo from Patriots Football Weekly/PFW in Progress has "the nod," which occurs at the point in the game when, to him, a Patriots victory is no longer in doubt. My equivalent of the nod came with three seconds left in the first half when I told G. the Bills were pansies for electing to kick a field goal and close the gap to 21–10. I still can't believe they didn't go for the touchdown—if it weren't for four Tom Brady interceptions (note to local media: passes that are tipped or batted down by defensive linemen are the quarterback's fault and resulting interceptions are indeed legit) the Bills would have gotten smoked. This cowardly decision should have signaled the beginning of the end of their inevitable 6–10 season, and instead the three points they "settled for" was the difference in the game (Paul's not always right either). Still, under normal circumstances against a good offensive team I don't see much difference between fourteen- and eleven-point halftime deficits. Eleven versus seven points though? You still need two touchdowns! If the Bills keep playing it safe then their hold on the AFC East won't last long.

Regarding the hometown team, this defense is scaring the hell out of me. The "new" pass rush stinks, but when the ball is thrown two seconds after the snap and Devin McCourty (what in the worldwide fuck is going on with him?) and Leigh Bodden are being dusted and racking up tackle stats then there is an inherent problem with the secondary. Patrick Chung was out and it looked like Kyle Arrington was the only one even competing, which is never a good sign when you consider he still made mistakes and, you know, is neither a first-round pick nor a big-money free agent. From what we've seen so far, and as I feared in week one, these guys are only going to stop teams from scoring by creating turnovers. Hard to do when you're so overmatched you don't even have time to turn around and look for the ball.

I have no concerns about the offense. Thirty-one points should be enough to win and I'll take a bad day by Tom Brady over a good day by ninety-five percent of the league's quarterbacks. Almost four hundred yards, sixty-seven percent completion rate, four touchdowns, zero sacks. It looks like he won't have last year's luck in terms of tipped balls hitting the turf instead of opponents' hands but that's OK. Ochocinco is deservedly on the hot seat for that dropped touchdown pass but I'm more worried about the fact that he was barely targeted even before that. Just tells me Brady doesn't have much confidence in him—drops like that will surely generate less (as we've seen before, if Brady freezes you out then you might as well skip town). In the meantime, I'll continue to wonder when Taylor Price will be activated so he can either blow everyone away with seven catches for a hundred and twenty yards or not register at all on the stat sheet and go down with another injury. One way or the other, I just want to know.

I first became aware of Clown Shoes (out of Ipswich) at one of the tastings at the shop up the street, which sadly closed down last month (or went on "hiatus" with plans to open up elsewhere in town, hopefully still walkable). Featured that day were a brown ale ("Brown Angel"), a witbier ("Clementine"), a Belgian IPA ("Tramp Stamp") (!) and an imperial amber ale ("Eagle Claw Fist"). None of them was particularly good except for the amber, which was alright, so I brought one home that day. Their labels border on poor taste, too—exceptionally cheesy ethnic-looking characters grace the Brown Angel (a winged black woman with a ripe ole ass posing as a hood ornament or something) and the Eagle Claw Fist (a homeless Indian doing calisthenics in the park). But the one that actually made a woman ask the Clown Shoes rep "Do people ever complain about your labels?" was the Tramp Stamp. He laughed it off, saying it was all in good fun. She looked close to telling him the Nazis were having fun, too. I wish she had… the Tramp Stamp wasn't that good. Months later, on an undoubtedly slow news day, a local station ran a story on how offensive their labels are. That lady must have known people.

Anyway, the shop had a clearance sale before closing and I picked up a bunch of bombers that will get me halfway through the season. One of them, for the purposes of variety, was the Lubrication. You know how craft brewers give you a few sentences describing the flavors or origins of what you're drinking? This one starts "Lube? Hey, get your mind out of the gutter!" Such is the path they have chosen, though I'm majorly impressed at the discipline they showed in characterizing an American black ale. Nonetheless, I think my biggest problem with Clown Shoes is not that their beer isn't very good or that their labels are off-putting but that they apparently incorporated the first Google image search result as their logo.

Up next: The Pats head to Oakland to see about holding a team to fewer than twenty-one points. I'm not too familiar with the Raiders and I wish I'd watched that Jets game. Insert Al Davis joke here. Cheers!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Beer and football II — week two

The game: Chargers at Patriots
The beer: Rogue Mocha Porter
The result: Win, 35–21
The commentary: "Which beer are you having?" "Do you want me to drink the Mocha Porter?" "Yes." "OK." A's re-ability to drink coincided nicely with the return of football, and I couldn't refuse her since she's been lusting after this bomber ever since I brought it home a couple of months ago. She only had a few sips but, man oh man, did she like it. I did too, right down to the Daily Worker guy on the front—don't let the teal tint fool you, that shirt is gray.

I'll keep this short because I didn't last week and because I go back to work tomorrow for the first time in three weeks. Blech. Yesterday featured a much more satisfying win over the Chargers than was last year's, which rated Total Mess on the Zero-to-Total-Mess scale. My daughter watched with me (that's her struggling to make it through the first half) and that definitely helped, especially since I've determined Deion Branch is her favorite player.

The defense was iffy again but I love two goal-line stands in two games. What I would love more though is for this team to figure out how to put some goddamn pressure on opposing goddamn quarterbacks. It's a good thing they nullified Antonio Gates because it could have gotten ugly, as Vincent Jackson almost made it so on his own. It'd be funny if after all the personnel changes and philosophical shifts the defense went through in the offseason they still survived week to week by creating turnovers and otherwise coming up big at the absolute last second they need to. They gave up huge chunks of yardage last year and won fourteen out of seventeen games. Reasonable to think that, so long as the offense keeps clicking, they can be just as good or better this year.

Quickly on Romo. I slammed him on Saturday and I stand by it. He beat the 49ers a good fifteen years after anyone should take a Cowboys–49ers game seriously.

Up next: The Pats travel to Buffalo to put out the wildfire caused by everyone's "Holy shit, can you believe the Bills?!" insanity following consecutive big-time wins over small-time teams. Still, Fitzpatrick will remain the third-best quarterback in the AFC East. Cheers!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Beer and football II: Another season-long diary

Week one
The game: Patriots at Dolphins
The beer: Berkshire Saint of Circumstance India Pale Ale
The result: Win, 38–24
The commentary: I'm calling this season "2011" even though it spills into 2012 because "2011/2012" is a little clumsy. I'm more bothered by it than you are. [Edit: How did I not yet resolve this with Roman numerals? I know nothing about football.]

So here's my little "G." Isn't she the most precious thing in all of history? Very nice of her to pose with my kicked BBC bomber, putting a tiny little baby hand up there like that. (One of the outtake photos had her pointing at her mouth with Homer Simpson's "beer goes in here" enthusiasm, but it was a little blurry.) Her mom's only reservation when I asked if I could put the bottle in with her was to "make sure it's clean." That's family.

The Monday night game marked her two-week birthday and Tom Brady & His Patriot Men really lit it up for her. Happy fortnight, daughter! The outcome was never in doubt, even after the Dolphins marched up the field on the opening drive on their way to a 7–0 lead. Before too long I was holding G. and narrating (in a soothing Tom Selleck voice, of course) a string of big Deion Branch gains to try to put her to sleep. Overall I did a good job of not yelling too loudly—neither she nor our cat Chloe was disturbed by my excitement over a number of huge Branch, Welker, Woodhead, Gronkowski and Hernandez plays. And yes, it is awesome to be able to list all those offensive weapons together.

But the defense? Mayo had another one of his is-he-even-out-there games. McCourty looked like Ellis Hobbs, in position to make too many tackles (which means too many catches allowed). The pass rush was inconsistent at best, familiar at worst (as in: nonexistent). Overall, Henne just looked too good, even if a lot of his yards came in prevent/garbage time. Hopefully Belichick makes some adjustments (not his strong suit lately) in time for an explosive Chargers team tomorrow.

(Not sure what it's like to be a Fins fan this week. The offense was decent but the defense was entirely useless. Hard to be optimistic. They'll probably finish with six or seven wins and get blown up again in the offseason—that's what happens when your most heralded player is a left tackle and the guy he's protecting is a bum.)

(Speaking of bums, how about Tony Romo? Aside from Donovan McNabb—yikes—he might be the worst quarterback in the league. That was one of the most awful individual meltdowns I've ever seen, and of course it benefited the fucking Jets. Meanwhile, Sanchez is in midseason shaky-start/stellar-finish form. Another fun year for the AFC East.)

Anyway, despite what I wrote following last year's, uh, fun AFC East playoff matchup, maybe I do know something about football. It's just the little details like wins, losses and production that get hazy. Remember my post-Super Bowl roster projection? Not bad. I'll start with the big things I got wrong, so as not to get all high on myself: I didn't think they'd cut Alge Crumpler or Gerard Warren. They brought Warren back for a few minutes in the preseason before cutting him again—the defensive line rotation was pretty good the other night so I'm not sure he'll be back again, but I can't believe another idiot Gronkowski brother is a better blocking tight end than my man Crumpler. My only guess is he's still recovering from injury (multiple surgeries) and once that's squared away he'll resume last year's role as Mr. Miyagi to Hernandez's and Gronkowski's (the real one) scatterbrain LaRusso brothers. Those two put on an offensive clinic last week and I just want to make sure they don't get all Terry Silver arrogant on us. (I watched The Karate Kid, Part III the other day. Paternity leave rules!) Since there's been no news of Crumpler retiring or working out for other teams, I figure there's some wink-wink-nudge-nudge talk between his camp and Belichick's that he'll be welcomed back. Nu-Gronk is even keeping 82 warm for him.

I also missed on Koppen still being with the team. I thought he'd be one of those role players Belichick likes to cut a year before his contract expires—little did I know he'd stay on only to miss the bulk of the season due to injury. I like the guy and he and Brady do alright together, but he's a little undersized against the physical AFC defenses we play every year (Jets, Chargers, Ravens). I hope Connolly does well at center because I like keeping him in full time, and if that carries on then I love 2012's young starters of Solder at left tackle (even Matt Light admitted the second half of the "two-year" contract he just signed is essentially make-believe), Mankins at left guard (would be the most established veteran on the line), Connolly (or a first-round draft pick) at center, a cancer-free Marcus Cannon with something to prove at right guard (fingers crossed) and "The Texan Kraut" Sebastian Vollmer (not an actual nickname) at right tackle. That group could play together through 2020.

Last but not least, James "That's a Champion Right There" Sanders was cut. No one saw that coming except for the people who knew week to week how important he was to the defensive backfield and feared week to week that he would be released. Shocking and unfortunate. I won't take as much heat on keeping Darius Butler as a fourth-stringer because I didn't think they'd draft a corner with the first pick in the second round. On that topic, how come everyone around here says that pick is essentially a late first-rounder but no one called Mankins an early second-rounder in 2005?

A gray area shows up with my man Kevin Faulk, who I thought would take the Tedy Bruschi route and retire during training camp after realizing there wasn't a place for him on the team. And that was before the team drafted running backs in the second and third rounds. I like the PUP direction though and I'm glad he's around the team (the young backs in particular) right now, and his potential return in October or November would be good for everyone. The only way that doesn't happen is if Green-Ellis and Woodhead stay healthy and rookies Ridley and Vereen are running for a hundred yards apiece every game. No way there are five active running backs week to week and I don't see a Patriot of Faulk's stature being DNPCD'd. We'll see. In other gray-area news, I'm not savvy enough to have called the defensive scheme shift or the unlikely Haynesworth (who looked pretty good) trade, though I've been hinting at Ochocino's arrival for years. Look it up!

So where did I hit? I'll keep it short: Ty Warren. Kaczur. TBC. Meriweather. You're welcome.

On to the beer then. The Saint of Circumstance is BBC's "accidental guess" at what nineteenth century English IPAs might have tasted like. It's a limited release I first tasted at last month's beer dinner at the Cambridge Common. (So limited that I was pleasantly surprised to find it locally in bottles the following week.) That evening, the co-founder explained that it was intended to be a batch of their Lost Sailor IPA (see last year's week four) except the crate of hops had to have survived a warehouse fire or something because the brewed result was milder, smokier and certainly "not Lost Sailor." I attended the dinner with two friends and we were all blown away by how good it was—undoubtedly our favorite of the six or seven beers we had that night. It was better on tap, as usual, but the bomber was an excellent opening-night option. Right on.

Up next: Bring on the Bolts. In the preseason I penciled this in as one of four losses, along with the Giants, at the Jets and either at Oakland or at Philadelphia. I'll take this one back: the Pats win because the Chargers once again forget to print out the special teams portion of their playbook. Cheers!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Story number two

September 8, 1990

Dear producers of Big,
How are you? Wonderful! Where can I find a fortune-teller robot? I've some challenges to overcome. Please ship to this address.

Sincerely,
Charles Napier (not the actor)
984970-6


September 8, 1990

Dear Men's Adventure magazine,
Are x-ray specs real? Are they harmful to the people you look at? If not, do you know what is? Please advise.

Sincerely,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 8, 1990

Dear Rothberg,
I think they're reading my mail.

Please reach out to Jones for me. I didn't mean to strangle him. I certainly didn't mean to get caught. Har! Har! Please tell him that last part, so he gets the joke. Seriously, though, invisible wire is difficult to come by.

Not to be forgotten,
Charles Napier
984970-6

P.S. Is the sun out today?

September 8, 1990

Dear Aubuchon Hardware,
Please supply me with limitless spools of invisible wire. I am writing a play and without levitating characters the story falls flat. Har! Har! I've no title yet.

Please deliver to my attention at the return address. They don't tell me what it is. I have money.

Sincerely,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 8, 1990

Dear "Jones,"
I am truly sorry.

"Charles"
984970-6

September 10, 1990

Dear Rothberg,
It was nice of you to visit yesterday. Your necktie made a fine blindfold. I appreciate the books.

Have you heard from Jones?

With warm regards,
Charles
984970-6

September 14, 1990

Dear "Jones,"
I have a plan that requires your cooperation. Please accept and acknowledge my apology! Do not let me down, old friend.

In desperation,
"Charles"
984970-6

September 14, 1990

Dear Tom Wolfe,
I have just finished The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. Your discursive manner has inspired me to pursue a career as an editor. Har! Har!

I assure you I am highly qualified. Please scan the classifieds and send relevant clippings to my address. Also, can you write down my address for me? This would simplify future correspondence.

Sincerely,
Charles LaVandar Napier, MFA
984970-6

September 15, 1990

Dear Fortune magazine,
Hello. I am a wealthy industrialist and I would like to subscribe to your fine publication. You do print mailing addresses on the cover, correct?

Many thanks,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 15, 1990

Dear Vanity Fair magazine,
Hello. I am a wealthy man about town and I would like to subscribe to your fine publication. You do print mailing addresses on the cover, correct?

Many thanks,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 15, 1990

Dear Hustler magazine,
Hello. I am a wealthy pornography enthusiast and I would like to subscribe to your fine publication. You do print mailing addresses on the cover, correct?

Many thanks,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 16, 1990

Dear Entertainment Weekly magazine,
Hello. I am a wealthy American actor and I would like to subscribe to your fine publication. You do print mailing addresses on the cover, correct?

Many thanks,
Charles Napier (the actor)
984970-6

September 30, 1990

Dear Rothberg,
I have repeatedly failed to ascertain my location. Without a specific address my efforts are wasted. If only the guards allowed visitors to speak openly.

Nothing at all from Jones. He does not understand that treachery and attempted murder result in his still being alive. Har! Har!

Keep me in your thoughts--I long to breathe a free man's air.

Faithfully yours,
Charles
984970-6

September 30, 1990

Dear Aubuchon Hardware,
I have yet to receive my spools of invisible wire. I would like to amend my order to include gardening shears, a watering can and six gallons of acid. Please expedite!

Awaiting satisfaction,
Charles Napier
984970-6

October 1, 1990

Dearest Rothberg,
No doubt my letter from yesterday has not yet arrived but you may ignore its pessimism. Sir, I have excellent news! Jones did indeed respond to my (and, certainly, your!) letter. His faculties are at last restored. Perhaps the delay was a blessing.

It seems my fretting over the address here was for naught! Jones has known very well my whereabouts since that wretched evening when I tried to squeeze the life out of betrayed a loyal companion. He has embraced the Good Book and is eager to forgive me. In person! Needless to say he will be "paying me a visit" soon.

Things are falling into place. In the meantime, have you interest in Hustler magazine?

Your friend,
Charles

October 8, 1990

Dear Aubuchon Hardware,
Curse you, gentlemen! I move tonight!

Charles Napier
984970-6


January 20, 1991

Rothberg,
That bastard Napier screwed me again!

Jones
985205-1

Friday, May 20, 2011

Fatherhood: The Musical

We put up the Christmas tree on December 22. Weekends came and went and weeknights were dark, cold and white-washed enough that it was too much bother. I enjoy the holidays but could muster neither the enthusiasm to carry an unwieldy box (fake tree alert!) up the basement stairs nor the patience to arrange the decorations. Christmas week, though… then or never.

I'd gone out for beers after work this Wednesday evening. Home a bit after 8:00. Tired. But A. was full of zazz. "Let's put up the tree!" Sigh.

Once I wrangled the box it was straight ahead. The tree is pre-lit and comes in three parts. Top into middle into bottom. Our tree-top star was not designed with the blunt, hollow faux-peak in mind, though, so last year I married a hanger bolt to a wine-bottle cork and it solved the problem beautifully. (I'm not particularly handy but I am creative.) We were satisfied with tree, lights and star that night and agreed to add the decorations later on.

I left to squeeze off those beers and then returned to the living room. It opens to the "dining room" (sans dining-room furniture) where the tree now stood. I plopped down on the couch, glanced over and noticed a present already underneath. "What is this?" She tells me to open it. "But I haven't wrapped your gifts. I don't even have everything yet." "It doesn't matter, open it!" "I don't know, can't we just wait and open everything together? Or, I can go wrap one of yours so we can each open one." (I'm so fair and practical!) She said she didn't need to open anything and started losing patience. I relented. "Are you sure it can't wait?" I shook the box, wondering if it was our evening's dessert or something. "Open it!"

My wife is a peach. Wonderful sense of humor. I removed the paper and found myself holding "the box" (pictured). It's white with green, pink, purple and red polka dots and a matching lid. Lined with red and green striped paper, maybe large enough to hold mass-market paperbacks of It, Helter Skelter and Hammer of the Gods. I don't remember where it came from but that box has survived two haphazard moves and several "Can we stick this somewhere?" conversations, a recent one nearly resulting in its destruction and disposal. It will forever remain one of those seemingly-useful-until-you-realize-you've-never-had-a-real-use-for-it things that does nothing but get in the way until the one time you actually need it. Leave it to my clever girl: here it was again, in my lap, stuffed with blue tissue paper. Wrapped within, a plus sign broke the wonderful news that a baby is on the way late this Summer.

It is an exciting time in the land of biffs, bangs and pows, and on that note I present a bunch of songs I've enjoyed over the past twelve months. Not one of them, to my knowledge, is about children, fatherhood or lamenting the man in the moon. ("To my knowledge" because I don't pay attention to lyrics.) I can't wait until the day my child Googles—or 法师智力s—our names and stumbles upon an aimless, archaic, two-dimensional "blog" "written" in "English." Excited, also, to see how he or she can possibly rebel against Pussy Galore and the Fall. "Put away that Pat Boone hologram and get back in your space-cage," I'll charge with patriarchal authority.

Apologies for forty-eight songs exceeding three hours again.



1. Donovan – Lay of the Last Tinker
Donovan gets a bad rap. Being emasculated by Dylan in Dont Look Back might be the best thing that ever happened to him—it must have flipped a switch because "Sunshine Superman" sounded like no one else eighteen months later. I almost chose 1968's "Riki Tiki Tavi" for the beautiful "number twelve bus" coda but Rick Cheese overpowered me. Also, I lied earlier: "Lay of the Last Tinker" is from the "For Little Ones" portion of Donovan's A Gift From a Flower to a Garden. So technically it's a children's song. But how many children would know what to do with that magnificent flute? Well, mine will.

2. Wire – 106 Beats That
This was a song-number-one contender. Remember last year when I wrote about the 13th Floor Elevators' "Livin' On" kicking things off? "Usually I'd choose something with a slower/longer [instrumental] buildup, in order to generate a mood or atmosphere…" Consider these first two songs and throw that shit right out the window—both singers jump in within a second. Anyway, Wire. Pink Flag is still the only album of theirs I know well. I see they're doing the reunion thing lately. Guess the Elastica winnings didn't go very far.

3. C Average – Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers
The dumb riffage representative gets promoted to the sweet number-three spot this year. Congratulations to Cave Rage! It's hard to choose between "Beer Drinkers" and Rapeman's "Just Got Paid" as my favorite ZZ Top cover. I think C Average edges out that shiny Steve Albini bastard because they didn't make me look foolish over compact discs. I love the full stops following each and every line, breaking up Billy and Dusty's original smooth flow. And the false endings? The false endings! Just like The Return of the King five years later—many partings, indeed. If you think Peter Jackson wasn't on Kill Rock Stars's late-nineties mailing list then I don't know what to tell you. "Orcs vs. Elves"? "Riddermark Rock"? Come on.

4. Les Fleur de Lys – I Can See a Light
Frequent offenders on Technicolor Web of Sound. I swear six months used to pass between repeated songs on that channel. Now the playlist is maybe six or seven days long after the guy running it supposedly added a bunch of stuff. It just doesn't add up! Les Fleur de Lys are perhaps best known for somehow making the Who's stellar "Circles" even better. Sort of a Pretty Things-type of career for them, sidestepping at times into incognito/anonymous session work. Lots of fantastic stuff from them, most (if not all) of which is collected on Reflections. "I Can See a Light" slows things down early, for them and for us.

5. Michael Yonkers – Sold America
Goddamn but I can't believe this was recorded in 1968. Intense! I know people were mad then but this guy is fucking mad. At least he sounds like it, I don't know. But the music is mad. Loud, stripped-down production straight out of next year. Excellent work. I heard this after work a few weeks back, walking down the lovely Rose Kennedy Greenway toward North Station. "Sold America" is striking accompaniment to teenagers in ass-word clothing and fat people on Segway tours.

6. Marvin Gaye – Trouble Man
Years ago my friends and I all jumped on a compilation called Pimps, Players & Private Eyes. It featured ten songs from different blaxploitation movies, notably "Theme From Shaft" and "Pusherman." The obviously-written-in-five-minutes liner notes, courtesy of someone with the improbable name of Jorge Hinojosa, recount a conversation between him and pal Ice-T about black movies and soundtracks. In fact, the second sentence is "Halfway through [watching] the film, I received a call from Ice-T." (How many anecdotes would that casual little gem improve?) The film in question is 1972's Trouble Man: "We started talking about it and agreed that the title song, 'Trouble Man,' sung by Marvin Gaye, was a true classic." Thanks for clarifying the name of the title song, Jorge. Anyway, they thought it would be great to showcase this kind of music on a disc but subsequently hit a bunch of snags in pulling it together. Because "black music from the seventies seems to be pretty scarce on the record store shelves." Am I to believe this disc was mastered from used LPs they were able to track down? Ironically it's now scarce and out of print itself, fetching $30 on Amazon. Pimps instantly makes profit.

7. Yardbirds – Glimpses
The real version, compared to Cumular Limit's broken-up mix. I appreciate that the band saved their trippiest no-commercial-potential effort (the earlier "Hot House of Omagarashid" is silly fun but not much of a composition) for Little Games, an album filled with producer Mickie Most's soul-sucking attempts at hit singles. It still contains some of the their best stuff and is no less a mixed bag than the handful of other albums. Even the glorified Five Live Yardbirds is just OK, seeing how it features Eric Clapton in his painfully dull early phase (that is, everything before Cream; the painfully dull late phase is everything since). Jimmy Page was on some great Yardbirds stuff ("Glimpses" included) but there's no question the band was at its consistent best ("Heart Full of Soul," "Evil Hearted You," "Shapes of Things," "Over, Under, Sideways, Down" and "Happenings Ten Years Time Ago") with Jeff Beck aboard.

8. Six Finger Satellite – Hot Food
Unmistakably my favorite band right now. I listen to full albums many times a week and even started following them on Twitter, though they don't seem to write anything. I joined Twitter in March so I could read Jeff Probst's commentary during each episode of Survivor. A. and I and two friends of ours are the four people who still watch. It is the greatest fucking show. I considered a Beer and Probst diary for Sunday's finale but ended up drinking classy red wine instead. (She's not drinking so, yeah, red wine for one.) But back to 6FS. "Hot Food" is off the genuinely new-ish (2009) A Good Year for Hardness and delivers the super-tight rock action. Not as experimental as the farther-out moments of the first four LPs, OK, but very far from staid. I love the interaction between the ten-second scream and an inquisitive-sounding guitar. "What now?" "YEEEAAAHHHHHH!!!" "Really?" "–EEEAAAHHHHHH!!!" "You sure?" "–EEEAAAHHHHHH!!!" "But I–" "–EEEAAAHHHHHH!!!"

9. DR Hooker – I'm Leaving You
It's amazing to me that unknown people recorded such strange music forty years ago and we live in an age where it's commonplace to just reissue or compile it all. What are single old white men discussing in used record shops anymore? Single old white man #1: "Have you heard the DR Hooker album from '72? Private press issue. Can't remember what it's called, the one where he looks like Jesus on the cover." Single old white man #2: "The Truth? It's on iTunes." Single old white man #1: (Stares into camera.) And: scene.

10. GZA – 4th Chamber
Three bands dominated my last twelve months: the previously (repeatedly) lauded Six Finger Satellite, the newly embraced Can (more on them in a bit) and Wu-Tang Clan. Enter the Wu-Tang is a top-ten rap album and probably a top-fifty anything album. Unfortunately a lot of their post-1994 group and solo stuff doesn't hold up as well. Wu-Tang went apeshit with solo albums all over the place—I actually got into Six Feet Deep by the Gravediggaz before anything else. And here we have 1995's Liquid Swords from the Genius. "4th Chamber" is practically the full Wu-bag, with guest Wu-work from Ghostface Killah, RZA and Wu-filiate Killah Priest.

11. Eddy Current Suppression Ring – Second Guessing
This is the longest song of the bunch, barely beating out Iggy and Arthur but falling short of last year's length-master, "The End of Radio." It's a shellacking! The abrupt ending to "4th Chamber" (since it flows directly into "Shadowboxin'" on Liquid Swords) segues beautifully into the opening keyboard blurt here. First I'd heard from the Ring (not sure that's an actual nickname) was "Turn Your Page" on WZBC sometime in the car last year. It's pretty great but the one most likely to appear in a Dawson's Creek reboot. I could make a joke about waffling between "Second Guessing" and "Colour Television" but that would be a little obvious.

12. Charlotte Gainsbourg – IRM
"IRM" became a free download when I signed up for some mailing list on Gainsbourg's website. I have a junk Gmail account specifically devoted to this sort of thing—wonder where I can sign up to obtain her dad's "Requiem Pour un Con" the same way. Anyway, now is a good time to mention I have only two-and-a-half songs with a female lead (the half goes to Shirley & Lee a few spots down). I've stopped trying at this point. You liberals can eat it.

13. Pussy Galore – Groovy Phone (Live)
Anyone who doubts that a man born in New Hampshire and bred in Providence, Washington DC and New York City can develop a southern accent has never heard of Jon Spencer. "Groovy Phone," recorded live in 1986, is taken from the Corpse Love compilation with the crude drawings of skulls and skeleton cocks. Based on the riff it is an early version of what became "Alright" on 1987's Right Now! LP. Startling impromptu lyrics here, though. "Didja blow 'im?" Indeed!

14. ? & the Mysterians – 96 Tears
I don't understand how "96 Tears" doesn't challenge "Louie, Louie" (stay tuned!) as the reigning garage-rock staple (the Modern Lovers recorded the only cover I've ever heard). Question Mark essentially inverted and simplified the "Louie" riff and produced a smash hit, but how did it not become a phenomenon? "And when the sun comes up, I'll be on top. You'll be right down there lookin' up." Are you telling me that's not dirty enough?

15. Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band – Veteran's Day Poppy
It's not a proper post if I'm not all "One day I'll write about Trout Mask Replica!" At this point it has to be the next thing I work on, right? The second half of "Poppy" always reminds me of the soundtrack you hear during the slower stretches of Metroid where the only alien left to defeat is Mother Brain, and you're wandering around shooting and bombing all these regenerating enemies to gather energy and missiles. Sorry ladies, I'm spoken for.

16. Comets on Fire – Rimbaud Blues
I provide a service in correcting people. With gusto. Whoever was responsible for providing the internet with the track listing for Comets on Fire's self-titled first album really screwed up. Numbers one through four are fine but it goes pear-shaped with the forty-second-long fifth song. It is not "Rimbaud Blues" as iTunes and everyone else would have you believe. It is actually a continuation of the previous song, so let's call it "Got a Feelin' (Part 2)." That makes the real number six "Rimbaud Blues." I'm not done yet! Genius then took the next title, "Let's Take It All the Way Down" (real number seven) and turned into two different songs: "Let's Take It All" (fake number six) followed by "The Way Down" (fake number seven). The remaining songs are correct, though I should note "Days of Vapors" is only five and a half minutes long—some live material is tacked on as a bonus. You're welcome.

17. Tame Impala – 41 Mosquitoes Flying in Formation
Tame Implala are My Pleasant Discovery of 2010. Probably found them browsing around eMusic again. I hate when writers say band X sounds like a cross between bands Y and Z but they really do sound like a cross between Beta Band/Aliens and Dungen, right down to the nasally vocals and chugging guitar-and-drum groove of each. Nice fake fade-out leading into a soaring (in formation?) guitar solo at the end, too. I could have gone with something off last year's Innerspeaker (probably "Lucidity") or either side of the Sundown Syndrome single but strength of title won out. "41 Mosquitoes Flying in Formation"? You'd better believe it!

18. Can – I'm So Green
It's just not reasonable to include my favorite song of 2010, by Can or anyone else, on this year's playlist: eighteen minutes of "Halleluwah" is just too long in this setting. And no other song would be able to hold its weight on either side. Funny story though, it played one day while I was streaming WZBC at work. Immediately after downloading it from Amazon for $2.99 (where iTunes would make you buy the whole album—seems to me as shortsighted as the music industry ignoring digital trends) I emailed A. three screenshots: the appearance of "Halleluwah" in WZBC's Spinitron playlist, the song's Wikipedia page (including the wife-baiting description "The drum beat for which the song is famous is repeated almost continuously by Jaki Liebezeit, with only minor variations, throughout the course of the eighteen-minute jam") and my Amazon receipt. "I'm So Green" is unexpected even to me, and I'm the one who picked it. Awfully light and bouncy for the Axis powers. I hinted last year while writing about the earlier American-fronted "Uphill" that I would explore the band's catalog. Many $2.99 purchases later (since their essential tracks tend to be longer than ten minutes) and I am right up in there.

19. Shirley & Lee – Let the Good Times Roll
1956! This was on a sampler showcasing New Orleans music that came with the March issue of Uncut, featuring a cover story about "the decline and fall" of Led Zeppelin. It brings me back to the car rides of my youth, listening to oldies radio and pretending the seat lever was a gearshift. But the adorable young Jarrod had no understanding of what it meant to let the good times roll: good lord is this song dirty, right down to the bam-bam horns. A. and I saw the IMAX film Born to Be Wild for her birthday and a version was playing during a fun scene of orangutans cavorting in the trees. They might as well have played "Fuck All Night." While we're here, Steppenwolf regrettably did not make the cut this year. But "Born to Be Wild" has to be the single greatest overexposed song in the history of music. If you heard it for the first time right now it would blow you away. Instead, you flash to Peter Fonda dying in a hillbilly death blaze or some old broad putting on a pair of dark sunglasses and either block the song out or change to something else. But it's not Steppenwolf's fault, it's the damn Hollywood fat cats! So next time your local classic-rock radio station plays it—roughly twenty minutes from now—give it another chance. It might be the perfect rock song.

20. Sonics – Louie, Louie
The Sonics tear right through the song that shook up the world. (Don't mind me, I recently finished Dave Marsh's Louie, Louie book and I'm full of rhetoric.) It's easy to see how Richard Berry's original with the Pharaohs (available on the Have Louie, Will Travel compilation—do not fall for re-recordings) took parts of the country by storm in the late fifties and early sixties. The Kingsmen pushed it to the forefront with a wildly enthusiastic and incompetent interpretation that everybody knows, even if they don't know the (clean, honestly) words. But the Sonics' is the definitive version, just like their earlier cover of (again) Berry's "Have Love, Will Travel" is the one. Take away the Sonics and who knows what happens to this country… certainly no Stooges, no Black Flag, no Mudhoney.

21. Nazz – Christopher Columbus
Not Nas, silly girl. He comes later. The "…knew they were already there" refrain is a nice hook. And "Injuns" pushes the right buttons, no? Nazz could rock out with the best of them in their short time together ("Open My Eyes," "Hang on Paul" and "Magic Me" are stone-cold killers) but piled up an equal number of snoozers. Not sure how much Todd Rundgren contributed to "Christopher Columbus" (from the posthumously tampered-with Nazz III) but his soft-bullshit solo act really defined a detestable seventies sound. And I remain unconvinced he isn't actually Liv Tyler's dad. Look at those pictures of the band in '68 and '69—she is a dead ringer!

22. Deviants – Billy the Monster
A comely, solitary nun enjoying a rocket popsicle might be as deviant an album-cover subject as you could find in 1969, excepting those Blind Faith perverts (seriously, what were they thinking?). The first song on The Deviants 3 opens with an uttered "–ses out of my nose" and ends too soon with a nice phased instrumental passage. Seems to start as a bridge and then they're like "You know what, let's just fade this out." Probably not the last time I'll represent the Deviants/Pink Fairies/Hawkwind family tree in these pages.

23. Hives – Diabolic Scheme
"Diabolic Scheme" was apparently featured in the Swedish horror film Frostbiten. I can't wait till it gets remade in Hollywood and they substitute some Wombats rubbish on the soundtrack. I can already see the poster. The Hives got a bit rubbishy themselves with that last Black and White Album, succumbing to current trends in handing your sound over to brand-name "producers" with agendas. (And remixing—why is everyone remixing?) But everything through 2004's Tyrannosaurus Hives still holds its own. "Can you take it? Oooo! Can you take it? (Yeah!) Oooo!"

24. July – Crying Is for Writers
I name-checked July last year, now it's time for the big leagues! Crying is what happens once I realize I have to write forty-eight blurbs again. "What was there to say, what was there to wriiite?" I don't know either. "Might as well write about the working of a forty-horsepower combustion engine." Sounds like a fine idea. Of course my memory wipes itself out every other week and by this time next year I'll be all "Let's throw another bunch of songs on the pile, won't that be fun?"

25. Chris Farlowe – Baby, Make It Soon
Co-written by the one and only Andrew Loog Oldham, proprietor of the greatest name in the history of the British Empire. I wonder if Oldham ever put the Small Faces behind Chris Farlowe the way he did with fellow Immediate artists Billy Nicholls and PP Arnold. That could have worked pretty well. Farlowe comes off sounding like a white Tom Jones sounding like an orange Solomon Burke on this 1966 B-side. Same year and Spector-lite production as last year's gold-medal-winner "Nightmare" by the Whyte Boots. I dig it. He might as well be singing about me. "You've topped six thousand words again… baby, make it soon."

26. Monks – Monk Time
"My brother died in Vietnam." This one line—and its perfect delivery—is, to me, the greatest anti-war statement ever made. I don't know if our man Gary actually had a brother, dead or alive, but anyone hearing "Monk Time" in 1966 had to understand that it wasn't going to end well, right? He immediately lets us off the hook when chugging banjo chords cause him to shout "Stop it, stop it! I don't like it! It's too loud for my ears." And later: "What's your meaning, Larry?" to which Larry plays a little non-riff on the organ. Gary responds "Ah, you think like I think." But you remember what he said about his brother. You remember that war sucks.

27. The Ify Jerry Krusade – Everybody Likes Something Good
Big ups to independent labels gathering rare international rock and funk gems from the sixties and seventies. Who doesn't like something good? This one's from Strut Records' Nigeria 70: Lagos Jump compilation. I'd like to restate last year's sentiment that just because musicians are from Africa (like the Ify Jerry Krusade) or South America (Pax, coming up) it does not mean they perform "world music." That's why you don't see Os Mutantes or Fela Kuti records in your local Starbucks. It's not world music unless it is based around aborginal instruments and rhythms, reinforces your white-man's guilt and is the sensory equivalent of full-blown AIDS.

28. Stooges – 1970 (Take 1)
"Listen to Ron." Excellent advice in all settings. From the once limited and now readily available (digitally) 1970: The Complete Fun House Sessions. Supposedly every single second put to tape during the recording of the award-winning album. Ron Asheton incorporates more of the first album's wah-wah effects on this initial take. I dig the sound but the guys (probably Iggy) were right to scale it back it in time for the master. Didn't sound very… well, 1970. I also favor replacing "in a world that's lame" here with the eventual "till it blow away." Much less teen-angsty.

29. Pax – Sittin' on My Head
This blatantly rips off Les Fleur de Lys's "Hold On," which they themselves ripped off (from themselves) by recording and releasing it twice. So we're all good. From the compilation Back to Peru, Vol. 2. The perspective of the cover shot makes the foxy Peruvian chica's calves look enormous. Great hat though. Proper LP release was 1970's May God and Your Will Land You and Your Soul Miles Away From Evil. ¡Amen, hermano!

30. Alexander Spence – War in Peace
It's a good thing I don't pay attention to lyrics because I have no idea what my man Skip is going on about. Probably war and/or peace? Mudhoney did a fine job with this one on the More Oar tribute. They can't be trusted with lyrical clarification though, just ask Sonic Boom in an hour or so. Nice hat-tip to "Sunshine of Your Love" at the end. If you reference another song I like then you'll probably make one of my silly playlists. Like Muddy Waters and that bastard Albini last year. Why are my sentences so choppy all of a sudden?

31. Entrance – Grim Reaper Blues
Nice contemporary (well, 2006) psychedelic blues here. It's not all Dead Meadow and Dungen, though would that be so terrible? This weirdo sounds like it could have been recorded minutes after that Michael Yonkers song from earlier (heard "Grim Reaper Blues" on the Greenway, too). Probably more a testament to how well that one has aged rather than anything Entrance is pulling off, but ask me again in thirty years.

32. Flaming Lips – Worm Mountain
"Worm Mountain" has a little bit of that trebly, upfront and slightly manic drum sound that a lot of shitty WFNX bands have embraced over the past couple of years. Probably because MGMT joins the Lips on this one, and they are one of those shitty bands. I'm willing to look past it because of the "Echoes"-like groove on the bridge and the general awesomeness that the (again) award-winning Embryonic spews forth. Even "I Can Be a Frog" is charming.

33. Spirit – Aren't You Glad
Spirit might be an acquired taste. I've been hearing them for a long time on Technicolor Web of Sound but only in the last year or so have I embraced more than a couple of songs (the obvious but excellent "Fresh Garbage" and "I Got a Line on You"). "Aren't You Glad" is a good example of a tight-but-loose song that requires patience. Prog tendencies will probably keep them from being cool but I'm in my late thirties and about to become a father. I'm getting no cooler.

34. Misfits – TV Casualty
My friend and I once went to the Good Time Emporium in one of the lesser neighborhoods of Somerville (since razed and reimagined as a future Ikea) to see "the Misfits." I put that in quotes because it was actually closer to Black Flag: only (ha!) Jerry Only remained from the classic Misfits, with Dez Cadena on guitar and Robo on drums. We learned at the door that tickets were surprisingly expensive for (a) any show at that shithole club/arcade and (b) any band who would perform at that shithole club/arcade. But it's the best twenty-five spent. Things started off great when they lifted the much-too-large Misfits curtain and it caught on the drum kit. It was the scrambling forty-five-year-old roadie's time to shine. Then the music, the stage presence—plain awesome all the way. They even sprinkled in a couple of Dez-era Black Flag songs for the encore and everyone was pumped… except for this one guy. He was slam-dancing throughout the early part of the show and really bugging the hell out of the rest of us. I used to pogo like you read about but by this time I'd far outgrown anything other than bobbing my head, giving this gorilla plenty of space and convincing myself that Budweiser really isn't so bad. Anyway, during a break between songs someone decided they'd had enough, went up behind him and tore his pants most of the way off. They split down each leg like a breakaway tux and the whole back half flapped down to expose his bare ass. Seconds later the defeat was total as two bouncers materialized to escort him out. He put on a brave face, clutched the remaining scraps of his pants like they were spilling entrails and slowly shuffled toward the door. Without compare, it is the single funniest thing I've ever witnessed.

35. Jedi Mind Tricks – Retaliation
"Bangin' y'all in the fuckin' face." Let's give rap music a hearty welcome back following that ninety-minute interval! Jedi Mind Tricks are an example of a group whose RZA-inspired beats and mega-strong MCs are top-notch. The lyrics, however, are often painfully aggressive. It's best to ignore them (easy for me to say) and concentrate on the vocals as melodies instead of language. "Y'all is always soundin' like a bitch when you spell." Hurtful!

36. Sonic's Rendezvous Band – City Slang
1978's "City Slang" is the perfect rock & roll response to the (already dying) punk movement. Meaningless lyrics, stretch it out, solo everywhere. Hard to believe it comes seven years after the MC5's High Time because it's a natural progression—not sure how much music Sonic was making in between. Anyway, High Time's "Poison" almost made my list (it did still provide the title) and this one's just as good. The band includes former Stooge Scott Asheton on drums—Rock Action himself! By the way, the least successful response to punk would have to be "Carouselambra," right? In a landslide. And I'm a John Paul Jones fan.

37. Guided by Voices – Wished I Was a Giant
Vampire on Titus is not as easy to find as you'd think. Sure, you can download it anywhere. But I wanted to span the gap between Propeller and Bee Thousand on my CD rack. This goes against everything I wrote last year but why don't you try staying principled when you can't even remember how to spell anymore, huh? And why do people keep giving me shit about my spelling?

38. Belle & Sebastian – I Love My Car
Most fans of the pre-Boy With the Arab Strap era say the band has never been as good since main man Stuart Murdoch started sharing the load, letting lesser band members like Isobel Campbell and Stevie Jackson write and sing on stuff. It's hard to argue when the far-and-away best songs on Arab Strap and Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like a Peasant are Murdoch's. (Most releases since those tend to blur together for me.) I guess the alternative would have been for him to repeatedly fire and replace his band à la Arthur Lee (up next) and eventually end up in prison on a weapons charge. In honor of this tension I've chosen the mid-period "I Love My Car." Needn't tell you who wrote it—the brilliant Beach Boys verse is a giveaway.

39. Love – You Set the Scene
This is really two songs in one. The first part is your typical Forever Changes fare, and that's a strong compliment. The final four-and-a-half minutes are perhaps the best in all of this wonderful band's career. Arthur Lee's vocals are tip-top ("I need you sooo woh woh woh woh-ohhh"), the strings and horns are perfectly balanced (not something with which they always succeeded) and it's difficult to concentrate on anything else while it's playing. Marvelous closer to the LP. On that topic, the 2001 reissue adds not only the 1968 "Your Mind and We Belong Together" single but also the tracking session for the A-side's guitar solo. Fascinating to listen in as Lee just kills Bryan MacLean and Johnny Echols for repeatedly fucking up. His concluding "That solo was really outta sight, man" evidently was not enough to keep MacLean, Echols and the rest of the group from splitting shortly after. Lee called bullshit on that, grabbed some hobos off the street and struck more gold with Four Sail a year later.

40. Dead Kennedys – A Growing Boy Needs His Lunch
I've really embraced this band over the past two or three years. I did always like the songs you're supposed to—"California Über Alles," "Holiday in Cambodia," "Let's Lynch the Landlord"—but only recently did I seek out the rest of the catalog. I was skeptical about the later Frankenchrist and Bedtime for Democracy but they hold up really, really well considering the stress and controversy within and around the group. "Lunch" is a good representation of late-era DK: vitriolic, clever, hippie-bashing lyrics over expansive instrumental sections (the vocals don't kick in for over a minute). Other contenders were "I Am the Owl," "Riot" and "Cesspools in Eden."

41. Tommy James & the Shondells – Crimson and Clover
I know Donovan, Steppenwolf and now Tommy James don't need me to defend them. (The undervalued Monkees might.) But Tommy James catches some real shit over his supposed phony psychedelia. Envious assholes. The Shondells recorded "Hanky Panky" in 1964 when most worthwhile American and English bands were busy arranging Bo Diddley songs. James doesn't do himself any favors by including fake studio dialogue like "Just do a thing, you know, whatever" at the beginning of the glorious album version of "Crimson and Clover." (Same deal on runner-up "I Am a Tangerine.") Real turn-off. But then a few seconds later it's "Ahhh…" (do-do do-do do-do) and I am piloting that Shondells starship right into fucking orbit.

42. Nas – Star Wars
Kudos to Nas and Jay-Z for not surrounding themselves with people who would commit murder for the sake of a hip-hop feud. We've come a long way, baby. I hate me some "Fly Like an Eagle" but how does it work so well when sampled? EPMD, Biz Markie, Jungle Brothers, Ice Cube, A Tribe Called Quest, Pete Rock & CL Smooth… erm, Vanilla Ice. And Nas. "Star Wars" was apparently left off Illmatic in favor of weak nonsense like "Life's a Bitch." Thank goodness for reissues.

43. The Fall – Theme From Sparta FC
A. and I attended a friend's party late last year and the host is a big Fall fan. He was playing the slightly annoying (trendy, snappy) version of this song from the original UK edition of The Real New Fall LP (a.k.a. Country on the Click) and I asked if he'd heard the more punky, guitar-driven single version (a.k.a. "Theme From Sparta FC #2") that was substituted onto the US release. Trying hard, y'know, to not be the "If you like that you're gonna love this" prick I used to be in and after college. I humbly offered to bring my iPod next time I saw him when a bitchy friend of theirs butted in with "I guess when you move to the suburbs you don't need an iPod anymore." I think she was taking a shot at me for being one of those suburbanites who drives everywhere, even though we both take the train to and from work every day. Sure, we drove to the party that night—I'm guessing it saved us about forty-five minutes each way. I would and will do it again. But even if we had done the train-to-subway-to-bus alternative does she think we would have ignored each other and listened to iPods the whole way? I can't remember my response but hopefully it was something in a Mark E. Smith voice. "Yew eh-yah mehstahkehn-eh."

44. The United States of America – The Garden of Earthly Delights
And you thought I forgot about "The Garden of Earthly Delights" after mentioning it in December. For shame! I wonder if it was controversial in 1967 to call yourselves the United States of America. "The United Kingdom of America" might have pushed them over the top, since Wikipedia tells me their eponymous album sold better in Britain than it did here. Blame an exchange-rate anomaly. Too bad they came and went with only one album while the inferior Jefferson Airplane stuck around long enough to suck it real hard. (End this year's Jefferson Airplane rant.)

45. Unwound – Off This Century
If you think consecutive years of ridiculously long playlists isn't excessive enough then go get Unwound's Leaves Turn Inside You right now. The band built their own studio, took a year to produce seventy-four minutes of music and split it up over two discs when it could have fit onto one. Why? Because each disc contains a data-hogging video for one of the album's songs. "Radio Gra" is a redundant and self-indulgent borefest with an equally dreadful video featuring beached whales, if I remember right. But: "Scarlette" is amazing quasi-old school Unwound at its best. Treatment of the vocals (growled and distorted beyond comprehension) might be off-putting to some but it really works with the rhythm. I can't hear it without thinking of its tremendous (and tremendously puzzling) video. Skip the CDs, download the songs you like and watch that video here. Anyhoo… I picked "Off This Century" from the same album. It fit better. I don't know what to tell you.

46. Spacemen 3 – Revolution
Enter Sonic Boom. It seems like every single Spacemen 3 song is either a cover or an interpretation of the Stooges, the Red Crayola or the MC5. So I present "Revolution," a.k.a. "Black to Comm" with a side order of Brother JC Crawford's Kick Out the Jams introduction. Mudhoney took "Revolution" to another level—undoubtedly improving it in my opinion, as I'm an eternal Mudhoney apologist—but I need another pasty, humorless rip-off artist to keep Jimmy Page company.

47. Blue Cheer – I'm the Light
Remember that light Les Fleur de Lys were going on about earlier? Turns out Blue Cheer is the source! Vincebus Eruptum's "Out of Focus" is my ringtone, for crying out loud, but I went with the 1971's "I'm the Light" because it's a different kind of great. I love how they finally figured out how to incorporate a sitar into their sound two or three years after people lost interest in Indian influences. Too bad only a portion of their fine 1969-to-1971 output is available for download on the appropriately named Good Times Are So Hard to Find compilation. Where are the full albums? I should really start that reissue concern I've been dreaming about since Anthology Recordings apparently went under (their inactive website states "We've stepped out for lunch, will be back soon…" and they've been enjoying that meal for about a year). How hard can it be to reach settlements with defunct old labels and publishers; entrust recording engineers to competently manage the remastering process; build rewarding partnerships with iTunes, Amazon, cloud-based services and future-mechanism (x) distributors; and then ensure that artists and songwriters receive proper royalties? And pay my own bills on top of all that? (Oh.)

48. George Brigman – Some of My Best Friends Are Snakes
George Brigman has done a lot for me. I can't remember if it was "Jungle Rot" or "Blowin' Smoke" I heard while driving through Inman Square (when I was still living in Cambridge) but I lay the blame for much of my current distorted-guitar-centered blues-rock partiality at his feet. I was already deeply into the Stooges and Blue Cheer at the time but I think Brigman really sealed it up. Funny thing, 2007's comeback (for lack of a better word) album Rags in Skull came out the same year as those groups' The Weirdness and What Doesn't Kill You, respectively. Similarities end there: Iggy and Dickie arouse shocking levels of cringe-inducing, what-in-the-worldwide-fuck despair. Brigman remains the genuine article. Just know, friends, that this one's not directed at you snakes.


In closing, for real this year: one song from the fifties; sixteen from the sixties (only four from 1968 this time); eleven from the seventies; three from the eighties (lowballed again!); four from the nineties; twelve from the aughts; and one from the teens. God bless you, son or daughter. I have given you a gift of thorough good taste.

More furious madness: Volume 1|Volume 2

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A short story

The new café was beautiful and poorly built. One customer opened a display cabinet and the door came off in her hand, smacking her kid right in the face. No tip! A week later we're still finding ball bearings.

The time had come for a different address. Our old spot had its share of bad memories and rose-colored marble, neither of which is fashionable. Change is often something to fear—new environments bring new people and new people bring new letdowns—but I was sure I'd be alright.

But that letdown part. People here are assholes. The other night I'm leaving at the end of my shift and I say "Goodnight" to one of the new girls. New to me, since she transferred from another location like I did. She looks up from washing the pot of Afro-Brew and goes right back to it without saying a word.

Thursday morning I come in and notice a few strips of blue painter's tape still stuck alongside the doorframe. Rude girl is casually mentioning her boyfriend to the new (brand new) guy again. He's asking her about yoga and she's being nice enough, even seems interested when he casually mentions his upcoming beer-pong tournament. He's nice enough but probably listens to the Killers.

A few Masters of the Universe come in after lunch, speaking loudly and flipping through the small CD display. $20 is too expensive even for these guys. Each compilation (always compilations) is hand-selected by my manager—nothing too racy, a little Beatles for Kids here and Jazz for Lovers there. I had a great idea once to produce a "Safe" series—Safe Blues, Safe Soul, etc., but he didn't think that would work. "We're trying to expand horizons here. Christ." Christ.

So these guys are cracking themselves up over "all this Mexican shit." They radiate a pink glow of top-shelf gin and expensive cigars that comes with early-afternoon benders. One of them grabs a disc. "'British Invasion'? Fuck that, all those limeys do is remind us what we invented a decade earlier." I do everyone a favor and slip a little salt into their Sula-Brews. "Spicy!" they holler.

I lock eyes with the rude girl as I'm leaving again. Feeling somehow invigorated after a dull afternoon I decide to give her another chance. Cheerily: "Have a good night!" She stares at me like I'd asked her the square root of seven. Leaving, I go out of my way to hold a door open for some college girl who doesn't thank me.

It's tough to fall asleep that night. At 2:30 I get out of bed and go to the kitchen for a beer, thinking the only way I'm going to sleep is if I'm buzzed. I race through a second beer, sitting at the table and working on a crossword with only a little bit of light. Hoping to wear out my eyes. I empty the bottle and stumble my way to the fridge for another. It's dark so I'm surprised to bump into a tall man with exceptionally long, blond hair. It's straight until it sweeps away at his shoulders. Ray Manzarek is in my kitchen.


Ray tells me to forget the beer. "Fire up some of that Inca-Brew you stole from work. I love that shit."

"The gold flakes sort of freak me out, same as the lava chips in the Hilo." I say. "I prefer the Hait-Brew." I don't see anything strange here.

"'Hate-Brew'? That's a drag."

"'Hait' as in 'Haitian.' I don't know, it's all the same I guess. I once saw the boss grind up some Mexa-Brew beans and dump them into an Afro-Brew bag."

"'Afro Blue'? I dig it. Stole that riff a few times."

"No, 'brew.' 'Brew.'" We're still in front of the fridge. "He hands it to the customer and I'm like 'You know that was the wrong coffee?' He shrugs and points at the guy, who opens the bag and take a big eyes-closed, grinning-idiot whiff. He had a point." Everything is normal. "Nice employee discount though."

Ray nods the way professional keyboardists nod. "Right on." He's no longer blocking my way but rather seated at the table, somehow. Must have brought his own chair. He looks out the window and absently starts tickling the striped tablecloth. I can tell it's "Moonlight Drive." He looks distressed for a second, left hand drifting off, until he notices the cheap bookshelf in front of the radiator. "This is a fire hazard, man," he advises and grabs the first four Dark Tower books because they're the only ones worth a shit. Stacks them on the table and resumes playing. He smiles. I can hear it too.

I sit as he continues. "We're all in this thing together, you know. Under one moon and all." (Uh-huh.) "People start looking too closely at each other and problems creep in."

I'm too practical. "Won't there be injuries if people don't look at each other? Just a minute ago I walked right into you."

He sips his coffee. Where's mine? "The beans you're pushing, they're specialized. Segregated. They need to mingle and screw each other. Get real tight." (Uh-huh.) "You have to blend them."

"I'm just a barman." I glance at my crossword. It has completed itself. "I have to serve what they ask for."

Ray eases off the tablecloth. "Do you have any drugs?"

I wake up in bed. It's Friday morning. I smell awful.

Quick shower and then I hit the road. Nothing can get me down today. Not even the bus. "Sunsquashed" carries me into town and doesn't produce the hangover I'm willing to risk. I feel great, in fact, better than ever. The previous night grew a little foggy after all the talk of beans, gotta mix the beans. Easy. Beans. Real tight. Beans. Drugs. Drugs? Could be it.

Two stops early I exit the bus and walk the rest of the way. The cop directing traffic at the intersection is about five foot eight. He seems frazzled. I guess there's no longer a height requirement.

I'm paying more attention than usual. A gentleman walking ten feet in front of me slows just enough to hand a cigarette to a guy hustling homeless newspapers. I like when people think the papers are free. Their faces go from "I'll make this poor guy's day" to "I don't even want the damn thing." Cigarettes are killers.

It's sunny and flowers are in full bloom. I resist the urge to snap away with my camera phone and instead take it all in. Won't allow photographs to replace memory on a day like this. Nothing can describe the appearance of these trees.

By the time I get to work I am one million dollars. I walk in and someone is removing the leftover painter's tape, scrubbing off sticky residue. Fuckin' A.

Friday is clean laundry day. Fresh red and orange aprons hang from hooks in the break room. Mine fits perfectly and looks sharp. I love red and orange together. The rude girl wears headphones and stares into her locker, cramming one more song by some exclamation-point band. She wishes her success were equally dependent upon viral videos. I walk over and smile at her until she is compelled to smile back.

"Two point six four six," I say.

"Excuse me?"

"I answered my own question from last night. Two point six four six. With rounding, you know. We don't have all night." I wink and head out to the floor.

An older woman is washing her hands. New employee. I can tell she's one of those who've lived or worked in the area her whole life, thinks it'll be fun to chat up best friends while charging them $3.95. It's not a terrible idea. She turns to me and says "Good morning." I'm glad. She looks amazing in her apron.

At the register I greet my first customer. "What'll you have?"

"What's good today?"

Everything is good today. Smiling, I recommend the Moon-Brew. "It's a blend. The moon favors no one."

He and his perfectly round head consider this. "Fuck that. Large Hate, please." I appreciate the "please." He didn't have to say that.

I step over to the Hait-Brewer and start pouring the man's coffee. Every time I fill a large the machine emits a short mechanical sound, barely audible, like it's transferring water from one internal recess to another. It's so positive and futuristic.

Nothing is going to ruin my day.