Saturday, September 17, 2011

Beer and football II: Another season-long diary

Week one
The game: Patriots at Dolphins
The beer: Berkshire Saint of Circumstance India Pale Ale
The result: Win, 38–24
The commentary: I'm calling this season "2011" even though it spills into 2012 because "2011/2012" is a little clumsy. I'm more bothered by it than you are. [Edit: How did I not yet resolve this with Roman numerals? I know nothing about football.]

So here's my little "G." Isn't she the most precious thing in all of history? Very nice of her to pose with my kicked BBC bomber, putting a tiny little baby hand up there like that. (One of the outtake photos had her pointing at her mouth with Homer Simpson's "beer goes in here" enthusiasm, but it was a little blurry.) Her mom's only reservation when I asked if I could put the bottle in with her was to "make sure it's clean." That's family.

The Monday night game marked her two-week birthday and Tom Brady & His Patriot Men really lit it up for her. Happy fortnight, daughter! The outcome was never in doubt, even after the Dolphins marched up the field on the opening drive on their way to a 7–0 lead. Before too long I was holding G. and narrating (in a soothing Tom Selleck voice, of course) a string of big Deion Branch gains to try to put her to sleep. Overall I did a good job of not yelling too loudly—neither she nor our cat Chloe was disturbed by my excitement over a number of huge Branch, Welker, Woodhead, Gronkowski and Hernandez plays. And yes, it is awesome to be able to list all those offensive weapons together.

But the defense? Mayo had another one of his is-he-even-out-there games. McCourty looked like Ellis Hobbs, in position to make too many tackles (which means too many catches allowed). The pass rush was inconsistent at best, familiar at worst (as in: nonexistent). Overall, Henne just looked too good, even if a lot of his yards came in prevent/garbage time. Hopefully Belichick makes some adjustments (not his strong suit lately) in time for an explosive Chargers team tomorrow.

(Not sure what it's like to be a Fins fan this week. The offense was decent but the defense was entirely useless. Hard to be optimistic. They'll probably finish with six or seven wins and get blown up again in the offseason—that's what happens when your most heralded player is a left tackle and the guy he's protecting is a bum.)

(Speaking of bums, how about Tony Romo? Aside from Donovan McNabb—yikes—he might be the worst quarterback in the league. That was one of the most awful individual meltdowns I've ever seen, and of course it benefited the fucking Jets. Meanwhile, Sanchez is in midseason shaky-start/stellar-finish form. Another fun year for the AFC East.)

Anyway, despite what I wrote following last year's, uh, fun AFC East playoff matchup, maybe I do know something about football. It's just the little details like wins, losses and production that get hazy. Remember my post-Super Bowl roster projection? Not bad. I'll start with the big things I got wrong, so as not to get all high on myself: I didn't think they'd cut Alge Crumpler or Gerard Warren. They brought Warren back for a few minutes in the preseason before cutting him again—the defensive line rotation was pretty good the other night so I'm not sure he'll be back again, but I can't believe another idiot Gronkowski brother is a better blocking tight end than my man Crumpler. My only guess is he's still recovering from injury (multiple surgeries) and once that's squared away he'll resume last year's role as Mr. Miyagi to Hernandez's and Gronkowski's (the real one) scatterbrain LaRusso brothers. Those two put on an offensive clinic last week and I just want to make sure they don't get all Terry Silver arrogant on us. (I watched The Karate Kid, Part III the other day. Paternity leave rules!) Since there's been no news of Crumpler retiring or working out for other teams, I figure there's some wink-wink-nudge-nudge talk between his camp and Belichick's that he'll be welcomed back. Nu-Gronk is even keeping 82 warm for him.

I also missed on Koppen still being with the team. I thought he'd be one of those role players Belichick likes to cut a year before his contract expires—little did I know he'd stay on only to miss the bulk of the season due to injury. I like the guy and he and Brady do alright together, but he's a little undersized against the physical AFC defenses we play every year (Jets, Chargers, Ravens). I hope Connolly does well at center because I like keeping him in full time, and if that carries on then I love 2012's young starters of Solder at left tackle (even Matt Light admitted the second half of the "two-year" contract he just signed is essentially make-believe), Mankins at left guard (would be the most established veteran on the line), Connolly (or a first-round draft pick) at center, a cancer-free Marcus Cannon with something to prove at right guard (fingers crossed) and "The Texan Kraut" Sebastian Vollmer (not an actual nickname) at right tackle. That group could play together through 2020.

Last but not least, James "That's a Champion Right There" Sanders was cut. No one saw that coming except for the people who knew week to week how important he was to the defensive backfield and feared week to week that he would be released. Shocking and unfortunate. I won't take as much heat on keeping Darius Butler as a fourth-stringer because I didn't think they'd draft a corner with the first pick in the second round. On that topic, how come everyone around here says that pick is essentially a late first-rounder but no one called Mankins an early second-rounder in 2005?

A gray area shows up with my man Kevin Faulk, who I thought would take the Tedy Bruschi route and retire during training camp after realizing there wasn't a place for him on the team. And that was before the team drafted running backs in the second and third rounds. I like the PUP direction though and I'm glad he's around the team (the young backs in particular) right now, and his potential return in October or November would be good for everyone. The only way that doesn't happen is if Green-Ellis and Woodhead stay healthy and rookies Ridley and Vereen are running for a hundred yards apiece every game. No way there are five active running backs week to week and I don't see a Patriot of Faulk's stature being DNPCD'd. We'll see. In other gray-area news, I'm not savvy enough to have called the defensive scheme shift or the unlikely Haynesworth (who looked pretty good) trade, though I've been hinting at Ochocino's arrival for years. Look it up!

So where did I hit? I'll keep it short: Ty Warren. Kaczur. TBC. Meriweather. You're welcome.

On to the beer then. The Saint of Circumstance is BBC's "accidental guess" at what nineteenth century English IPAs might have tasted like. It's a limited release I first tasted at last month's beer dinner at the Cambridge Common. (So limited that I was pleasantly surprised to find it locally in bottles the following week.) That evening, the co-founder explained that it was intended to be a batch of their Lost Sailor IPA (see last year's week four) except the crate of hops had to have survived a warehouse fire or something because the brewed result was milder, smokier and certainly "not Lost Sailor." I attended the dinner with two friends and we were all blown away by how good it was—undoubtedly our favorite of the six or seven beers we had that night. It was better on tap, as usual, but the bomber was an excellent opening-night option. Right on.

Up next: Bring on the Bolts. In the preseason I penciled this in as one of four losses, along with the Giants, at the Jets and either at Oakland or at Philadelphia. I'll take this one back: the Pats win because the Chargers once again forget to print out the special teams portion of their playbook. Cheers!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Story number two

September 8, 1990

Dear producers of Big,
How are you? Wonderful! Where can I find a fortune-teller robot? I've some challenges to overcome. Please ship to this address.

Sincerely,
Charles Napier (not the actor)
984970-6


September 8, 1990

Dear Men's Adventure magazine,
Are x-ray specs real? Are they harmful to the people you look at? If not, do you know what is? Please advise.

Sincerely,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 8, 1990

Dear Rothberg,
I think they're reading my mail.

Please reach out to Jones for me. I didn't mean to strangle him. I certainly didn't mean to get caught. Har! Har! Please tell him that last part, so he gets the joke. Seriously, though, invisible wire is difficult to come by.

Not to be forgotten,
Charles Napier
984970-6

P.S. Is the sun out today?

September 8, 1990

Dear Aubuchon Hardware,
Please supply me with limitless spools of invisible wire. I am writing a play and without levitating characters the story falls flat. Har! Har! I've no title yet.

Please deliver to my attention at the return address. They don't tell me what it is. I have money.

Sincerely,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 8, 1990

Dear "Jones,"
I am truly sorry.

"Charles"
984970-6

September 10, 1990

Dear Rothberg,
It was nice of you to visit yesterday. Your necktie made a fine blindfold. I appreciate the books.

Have you heard from Jones?

With warm regards,
Charles
984970-6

September 14, 1990

Dear "Jones,"
I have a plan that requires your cooperation. Please accept and acknowledge my apology! Do not let me down, old friend.

In desperation,
"Charles"
984970-6

September 14, 1990

Dear Tom Wolfe,
I have just finished The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. Your discursive manner has inspired me to pursue a career as an editor. Har! Har!

I assure you I am highly qualified. Please scan the classifieds and send relevant clippings to my address. Also, can you write down my address for me? This would simplify future correspondence.

Sincerely,
Charles LaVandar Napier, MFA
984970-6

September 15, 1990

Dear Fortune magazine,
Hello. I am a wealthy industrialist and I would like to subscribe to your fine publication. You do print mailing addresses on the cover, correct?

Many thanks,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 15, 1990

Dear Vanity Fair magazine,
Hello. I am a wealthy man about town and I would like to subscribe to your fine publication. You do print mailing addresses on the cover, correct?

Many thanks,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 15, 1990

Dear Hustler magazine,
Hello. I am a wealthy pornography enthusiast and I would like to subscribe to your fine publication. You do print mailing addresses on the cover, correct?

Many thanks,
Charles Napier
984970-6

September 16, 1990

Dear Entertainment Weekly magazine,
Hello. I am a wealthy American actor and I would like to subscribe to your fine publication. You do print mailing addresses on the cover, correct?

Many thanks,
Charles Napier (the actor)
984970-6

September 30, 1990

Dear Rothberg,
I have repeatedly failed to ascertain my location. Without a specific address my efforts are wasted. If only the guards allowed visitors to speak openly.

Nothing at all from Jones. He does not understand that treachery and attempted murder result in his still being alive. Har! Har!

Keep me in your thoughts--I long to breathe a free man's air.

Faithfully yours,
Charles
984970-6

September 30, 1990

Dear Aubuchon Hardware,
I have yet to receive my spools of invisible wire. I would like to amend my order to include gardening shears, a watering can and six gallons of acid. Please expedite!

Awaiting satisfaction,
Charles Napier
984970-6

October 1, 1990

Dearest Rothberg,
No doubt my letter from yesterday has not yet arrived but you may ignore its pessimism. Sir, I have excellent news! Jones did indeed respond to my (and, certainly, your!) letter. His faculties are at last restored. Perhaps the delay was a blessing.

It seems my fretting over the address here was for naught! Jones has known very well my whereabouts since that wretched evening when I tried to squeeze the life out of betrayed a loyal companion. He has embraced the Good Book and is eager to forgive me. In person! Needless to say he will be "paying me a visit" soon.

Things are falling into place. In the meantime, have you interest in Hustler magazine?

Your friend,
Charles

October 8, 1990

Dear Aubuchon Hardware,
Curse you, gentlemen! I move tonight!

Charles Napier
984970-6


January 20, 1991

Rothberg,
That bastard Napier screwed me again!

Jones
985205-1

Friday, May 20, 2011

Fatherhood: The Musical

We put up the Christmas tree on December 22. Weekends came and went and weeknights were dark, cold and white-washed enough that it was too much bother. I enjoy the holidays but could muster neither the enthusiasm to carry an unwieldy box (fake tree alert!) up the basement stairs nor the patience to arrange the decorations. Christmas week, though… then or never.

I'd gone out for beers after work this Wednesday evening. Home a bit after 8:00. Tired. But A. was full of zazz. "Let's put up the tree!" Sigh.

Once I wrangled the box it was straight ahead. The tree is pre-lit and comes in three parts. Top into middle into bottom. Our tree-top star was not designed with the blunt, hollow faux-peak in mind, though, so last year I married a hanger bolt to a wine-bottle cork and it solved the problem beautifully. (I'm not particularly handy but I am creative.) We were satisfied with tree, lights and star that night and agreed to add the decorations later on.

I left to squeeze off those beers and then returned to the living room. It opens to the "dining room" (sans dining-room furniture) where the tree now stood. I plopped down on the couch, glanced over and noticed a present already underneath. "What is this?" She tells me to open it. "But I haven't wrapped your gifts. I don't even have everything yet." "It doesn't matter, open it!" "I don't know, can't we just wait and open everything together? Or, I can go wrap one of yours so we can each open one." (I'm so fair and practical!) She said she didn't need to open anything and started losing patience. I relented. "Are you sure it can't wait?" I shook the box, wondering if it was our evening's dessert or something. "Open it!"

My wife is a peach. Wonderful sense of humor. I removed the paper and found myself holding "the box" (pictured). It's white with green, pink, purple and red polka dots and a matching lid. Lined with red and green striped paper, maybe large enough to hold mass-market paperbacks of It, Helter Skelter and Hammer of the Gods. I don't remember where it came from but that box has survived two haphazard moves and several "Can we stick this somewhere?" conversations, a recent one nearly resulting in its destruction and disposal. It will forever remain one of those seemingly-useful-until-you-realize-you've-never-had-a-real-use-for-it things that does nothing but get in the way until the one time you actually need it. Leave it to my clever girl: here it was again, in my lap, stuffed with blue tissue paper. Wrapped within, a plus sign broke the wonderful news that a baby is on the way late this Summer.

It is an exciting time in the land of biffs, bangs and pows, and on that note I present a bunch of songs I've enjoyed over the past twelve months. Not one of them, to my knowledge, is about children, fatherhood or lamenting the man in the moon. ("To my knowledge" because I don't pay attention to lyrics.) I can't wait until the day my child Googles—or 法师智力s—our names and stumbles upon an aimless, archaic, two-dimensional "blog" "written" in "English." Excited, also, to see how he or she can possibly rebel against Pussy Galore and the Fall. "Put away that Pat Boone hologram and get back in your space-cage," I'll charge with patriarchal authority.

Apologies for forty-eight songs exceeding three hours again.



1. Donovan – Lay of the Last Tinker
Donovan gets a bad rap. Being emasculated by Dylan in Dont Look Back might be the best thing that ever happened to him—it must have flipped a switch because "Sunshine Superman" sounded like no one else eighteen months later. I almost chose 1968's "Riki Tiki Tavi" for the beautiful "number twelve bus" coda but Rick Cheese overpowered me. Also, I lied earlier: "Lay of the Last Tinker" is from the "For Little Ones" portion of Donovan's A Gift From a Flower to a Garden. So technically it's a children's song. But how many children would know what to do with that magnificent flute? Well, mine will.

2. Wire – 106 Beats That
This was a song-number-one contender. Remember last year when I wrote about the 13th Floor Elevators' "Livin' On" kicking things off? "Usually I'd choose something with a slower/longer [instrumental] buildup, in order to generate a mood or atmosphere…" Consider these first two songs and throw that shit right out the window—both singers jump in within a second. Anyway, Wire. Pink Flag is still the only album of theirs I know well. I see they're doing the reunion thing lately. Guess the Elastica winnings didn't go very far.

3. C Average – Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers
The dumb riffage representative gets promoted to the sweet number-three spot this year. Congratulations to Cave Rage! It's hard to choose between "Beer Drinkers" and Rapeman's "Just Got Paid" as my favorite ZZ Top cover. I think C Average edges out that shiny Steve Albini bastard because they didn't make me look foolish over compact discs. I love the full stops following each and every line, breaking up Billy and Dusty's original smooth flow. And the false endings? The false endings! Just like The Return of the King five years later—many partings, indeed. If you think Peter Jackson wasn't on Kill Rock Stars's late-nineties mailing list then I don't know what to tell you. "Orcs vs. Elves"? "Riddermark Rock"? Come on.

4. Les Fleur de Lys – I Can See a Light
Frequent offenders on Technicolor Web of Sound. I swear six months used to pass between repeated songs on that channel. Now the playlist is maybe six or seven days long after the guy running it supposedly added a bunch of stuff. It just doesn't add up! Les Fleur de Lys are perhaps best known for somehow making the Who's stellar "Circles" even better. Sort of a Pretty Things-type of career for them, sidestepping at times into incognito/anonymous session work. Lots of fantastic stuff from them, most (if not all) of which is collected on Reflections. "I Can See a Light" slows things down early, for them and for us.

5. Michael Yonkers – Sold America
Goddamn but I can't believe this was recorded in 1968. Intense! I know people were mad then but this guy is fucking mad. At least he sounds like it, I don't know. But the music is mad. Loud, stripped-down production straight out of next year. Excellent work. I heard this after work a few weeks back, walking down the lovely Rose Kennedy Greenway toward North Station. "Sold America" is striking accompaniment to teenagers in ass-word clothing and fat people on Segway tours.

6. Marvin Gaye – Trouble Man
Years ago my friends and I all jumped on a compilation called Pimps, Players & Private Eyes. It featured ten songs from different blaxploitation movies, notably "Theme From Shaft" and "Pusherman." The obviously-written-in-five-minutes liner notes, courtesy of someone with the improbable name of Jorge Hinojosa, recount a conversation between him and pal Ice-T about black movies and soundtracks. In fact, the second sentence is "Halfway through [watching] the film, I received a call from Ice-T." (How many anecdotes would that casual little gem improve?) The film in question is 1972's Trouble Man: "We started talking about it and agreed that the title song, 'Trouble Man,' sung by Marvin Gaye, was a true classic." Thanks for clarifying the name of the title song, Jorge. Anyway, they thought it would be great to showcase this kind of music on a disc but subsequently hit a bunch of snags in pulling it together. Because "black music from the seventies seems to be pretty scarce on the record store shelves." Am I to believe this disc was mastered from used LPs they were able to track down? Ironically it's now scarce and out of print itself, fetching $30 on Amazon. Pimps instantly makes profit.

7. Yardbirds – Glimpses
The real version, compared to Cumular Limit's broken-up mix. I appreciate that the band saved their trippiest no-commercial-potential effort (the earlier "Hot House of Omagarashid" is silly fun but not much of a composition) for Little Games, an album filled with producer Mickie Most's soul-sucking attempts at hit singles. It still contains some of the their best stuff and is no less a mixed bag than the handful of other albums. Even the glorified Five Live Yardbirds is just OK, seeing how it features Eric Clapton in his painfully dull early phase (that is, everything before Cream; the painfully dull late phase is everything since). Jimmy Page was on some great Yardbirds stuff ("Glimpses" included) but there's no question the band was at its consistent best ("Heart Full of Soul," "Evil Hearted You," "Shapes of Things," "Over, Under, Sideways, Down" and "Happenings Ten Years Time Ago") with Jeff Beck aboard.

8. Six Finger Satellite – Hot Food
Unmistakably my favorite band right now. I listen to full albums many times a week and even started following them on Twitter, though they don't seem to write anything. I joined Twitter in March so I could read Jeff Probst's commentary during each episode of Survivor. A. and I and two friends of ours are the four people who still watch. It is the greatest fucking show. I considered a Beer and Probst diary for Sunday's finale but ended up drinking classy red wine instead. (She's not drinking so, yeah, red wine for one.) But back to 6FS. "Hot Food" is off the genuinely new-ish (2009) A Good Year for Hardness and delivers the super-tight rock action. Not as experimental as the farther-out moments of the first four LPs, OK, but very far from staid. I love the interaction between the ten-second scream and an inquisitive-sounding guitar. "What now?" "YEEEAAAHHHHHH!!!" "Really?" "–EEEAAAHHHHHH!!!" "You sure?" "–EEEAAAHHHHHH!!!" "But I–" "–EEEAAAHHHHHH!!!"

9. DR Hooker – I'm Leaving You
It's amazing to me that unknown people recorded such strange music forty years ago and we live in an age where it's commonplace to just reissue or compile it all. What are single old white men discussing in used record shops anymore? Single old white man #1: "Have you heard the DR Hooker album from '72? Private press issue. Can't remember what it's called, the one where he looks like Jesus on the cover." Single old white man #2: "The Truth? It's on iTunes." Single old white man #1: (Stares into camera.) And: scene.

10. GZA – 4th Chamber
Three bands dominated my last twelve months: the previously (repeatedly) lauded Six Finger Satellite, the newly embraced Can (more on them in a bit) and Wu-Tang Clan. Enter the Wu-Tang is a top-ten rap album and probably a top-fifty anything album. Unfortunately a lot of their post-1994 group and solo stuff doesn't hold up as well. Wu-Tang went apeshit with solo albums all over the place—I actually got into Six Feet Deep by the Gravediggaz before anything else. And here we have 1995's Liquid Swords from the Genius. "4th Chamber" is practically the full Wu-bag, with guest Wu-work from Ghostface Killah, RZA and Wu-filiate Killah Priest.

11. Eddy Current Suppression Ring – Second Guessing
This is the longest song of the bunch, barely beating out Iggy and Arthur but falling short of last year's length-master, "The End of Radio." It's a shellacking! The abrupt ending to "4th Chamber" (since it flows directly into "Shadowboxin'" on Liquid Swords) segues beautifully into the opening keyboard blurt here. First I'd heard from the Ring (not sure that's an actual nickname) was "Turn Your Page" on WZBC sometime in the car last year. It's pretty great but the one most likely to appear in a Dawson's Creek reboot. I could make a joke about waffling between "Second Guessing" and "Colour Television" but that would be a little obvious.

12. Charlotte Gainsbourg – IRM
"IRM" became a free download when I signed up for some mailing list on Gainsbourg's website. I have a junk Gmail account specifically devoted to this sort of thing—wonder where I can sign up to obtain her dad's "Requiem Pour un Con" the same way. Anyway, now is a good time to mention I have only two-and-a-half songs with a female lead (the half goes to Shirley & Lee a few spots down). I've stopped trying at this point. You liberals can eat it.

13. Pussy Galore – Groovy Phone (Live)
Anyone who doubts that a man born in New Hampshire and bred in Providence, Washington DC and New York City can develop a southern accent has never heard of Jon Spencer. "Groovy Phone," recorded live in 1986, is taken from the Corpse Love compilation with the crude drawings of skulls and skeleton cocks. Based on the riff it is an early version of what became "Alright" on 1987's Right Now! LP. Startling impromptu lyrics here, though. "Didja blow 'im?" Indeed!

14. ? & the Mysterians – 96 Tears
I don't understand how "96 Tears" doesn't challenge "Louie, Louie" (stay tuned!) as the reigning garage-rock staple (the Modern Lovers recorded the only cover I've ever heard). Question Mark essentially inverted and simplified the "Louie" riff and produced a smash hit, but how did it not become a phenomenon? "And when the sun comes up, I'll be on top. You'll be right down there lookin' up." Are you telling me that's not dirty enough?

15. Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band – Veteran's Day Poppy
It's not a proper post if I'm not all "One day I'll write about Trout Mask Replica!" At this point it has to be the next thing I work on, right? The second half of "Poppy" always reminds me of the soundtrack you hear during the slower stretches of Metroid where the only alien left to defeat is Mother Brain, and you're wandering around shooting and bombing all these regenerating enemies to gather energy and missiles. Sorry ladies, I'm spoken for.

16. Comets on Fire – Rimbaud Blues
I provide a service in correcting people. With gusto. Whoever was responsible for providing the internet with the track listing for Comets on Fire's self-titled first album really screwed up. Numbers one through four are fine but it goes pear-shaped with the forty-second-long fifth song. It is not "Rimbaud Blues" as iTunes and everyone else would have you believe. It is actually a continuation of the previous song, so let's call it "Got a Feelin' (Part 2)." That makes the real number six "Rimbaud Blues." I'm not done yet! Genius then took the next title, "Let's Take It All the Way Down" (real number seven) and turned into two different songs: "Let's Take It All" (fake number six) followed by "The Way Down" (fake number seven). The remaining songs are correct, though I should note "Days of Vapors" is only five and a half minutes long—some live material is tacked on as a bonus. You're welcome.

17. Tame Impala – 41 Mosquitoes Flying in Formation
Tame Implala are My Pleasant Discovery of 2010. Probably found them browsing around eMusic again. I hate when writers say band X sounds like a cross between bands Y and Z but they really do sound like a cross between Beta Band/Aliens and Dungen, right down to the nasally vocals and chugging guitar-and-drum groove of each. Nice fake fade-out leading into a soaring (in formation?) guitar solo at the end, too. I could have gone with something off last year's Innerspeaker (probably "Lucidity") or either side of the Sundown Syndrome single but strength of title won out. "41 Mosquitoes Flying in Formation"? You'd better believe it!

18. Can – I'm So Green
It's just not reasonable to include my favorite song of 2010, by Can or anyone else, on this year's playlist: eighteen minutes of "Halleluwah" is just too long in this setting. And no other song would be able to hold its weight on either side. Funny story though, it played one day while I was streaming WZBC at work. Immediately after downloading it from Amazon for $2.99 (where iTunes would make you buy the whole album—seems to me as shortsighted as the music industry ignoring digital trends) I emailed A. three screenshots: the appearance of "Halleluwah" in WZBC's Spinitron playlist, the song's Wikipedia page (including the wife-baiting description "The drum beat for which the song is famous is repeated almost continuously by Jaki Liebezeit, with only minor variations, throughout the course of the eighteen-minute jam") and my Amazon receipt. "I'm So Green" is unexpected even to me, and I'm the one who picked it. Awfully light and bouncy for the Axis powers. I hinted last year while writing about the earlier American-fronted "Uphill" that I would explore the band's catalog. Many $2.99 purchases later (since their essential tracks tend to be longer than ten minutes) and I am right up in there.

19. Shirley & Lee – Let the Good Times Roll
1956! This was on a sampler showcasing New Orleans music that came with the March issue of Uncut, featuring a cover story about "the decline and fall" of Led Zeppelin. It brings me back to the car rides of my youth, listening to oldies radio and pretending the seat lever was a gearshift. But the adorable young Jarrod had no understanding of what it meant to let the good times roll: good lord is this song dirty, right down to the bam-bam horns. A. and I saw the IMAX film Born to Be Wild for her birthday and a version was playing during a fun scene of orangutans cavorting in the trees. They might as well have played "Fuck All Night." While we're here, Steppenwolf regrettably did not make the cut this year. But "Born to Be Wild" has to be the single greatest overexposed song in the history of music. If you heard it for the first time right now it would blow you away. Instead, you flash to Peter Fonda dying in a hillbilly death blaze or some old broad putting on a pair of dark sunglasses and either block the song out or change to something else. But it's not Steppenwolf's fault, it's the damn Hollywood fat cats! So next time your local classic-rock radio station plays it—roughly twenty minutes from now—give it another chance. It might be the perfect rock song.

20. Sonics – Louie, Louie
The Sonics tear right through the song that shook up the world. (Don't mind me, I recently finished Dave Marsh's Louie, Louie book and I'm full of rhetoric.) It's easy to see how Richard Berry's original with the Pharaohs (available on the Have Louie, Will Travel compilation—do not fall for re-recordings) took parts of the country by storm in the late fifties and early sixties. The Kingsmen pushed it to the forefront with a wildly enthusiastic and incompetent interpretation that everybody knows, even if they don't know the (clean, honestly) words. But the Sonics' is the definitive version, just like their earlier cover of (again) Berry's "Have Love, Will Travel" is the one. Take away the Sonics and who knows what happens to this country… certainly no Stooges, no Black Flag, no Mudhoney.

21. Nazz – Christopher Columbus
Not Nas, silly girl. He comes later. The "…knew they were already there" refrain is a nice hook. And "Injuns" pushes the right buttons, no? Nazz could rock out with the best of them in their short time together ("Open My Eyes," "Hang on Paul" and "Magic Me" are stone-cold killers) but piled up an equal number of snoozers. Not sure how much Todd Rundgren contributed to "Christopher Columbus" (from the posthumously tampered-with Nazz III) but his soft-bullshit solo act really defined a detestable seventies sound. And I remain unconvinced he isn't actually Liv Tyler's dad. Look at those pictures of the band in '68 and '69—she is a dead ringer!

22. Deviants – Billy the Monster
A comely, solitary nun enjoying a rocket popsicle might be as deviant an album-cover subject as you could find in 1969, excepting those Blind Faith perverts (seriously, what were they thinking?). The first song on The Deviants 3 opens with an uttered "–ses out of my nose" and ends too soon with a nice phased instrumental passage. Seems to start as a bridge and then they're like "You know what, let's just fade this out." Probably not the last time I'll represent the Deviants/Pink Fairies/Hawkwind family tree in these pages.

23. Hives – Diabolic Scheme
"Diabolic Scheme" was apparently featured in the Swedish horror film Frostbiten. I can't wait till it gets remade in Hollywood and they substitute some Wombats rubbish on the soundtrack. I can already see the poster. The Hives got a bit rubbishy themselves with that last Black and White Album, succumbing to current trends in handing your sound over to brand-name "producers" with agendas. (And remixing—why is everyone remixing?) But everything through 2004's Tyrannosaurus Hives still holds its own. "Can you take it? Oooo! Can you take it? (Yeah!) Oooo!"

24. July – Crying Is for Writers
I name-checked July last year, now it's time for the big leagues! Crying is what happens once I realize I have to write forty-eight blurbs again. "What was there to say, what was there to wriiite?" I don't know either. "Might as well write about the working of a forty-horsepower combustion engine." Sounds like a fine idea. Of course my memory wipes itself out every other week and by this time next year I'll be all "Let's throw another bunch of songs on the pile, won't that be fun?"

25. Chris Farlowe – Baby, Make It Soon
Co-written by the one and only Andrew Loog Oldham, proprietor of the greatest name in the history of the British Empire. I wonder if Oldham ever put the Small Faces behind Chris Farlowe the way he did with fellow Immediate artists Billy Nicholls and PP Arnold. That could have worked pretty well. Farlowe comes off sounding like a white Tom Jones sounding like an orange Solomon Burke on this 1966 B-side. Same year and Spector-lite production as last year's gold-medal-winner "Nightmare" by the Whyte Boots. I dig it. He might as well be singing about me. "You've topped six thousand words again… baby, make it soon."

26. Monks – Monk Time
"My brother died in Vietnam." This one line—and its perfect delivery—is, to me, the greatest anti-war statement ever made. I don't know if our man Gary actually had a brother, dead or alive, but anyone hearing "Monk Time" in 1966 had to understand that it wasn't going to end well, right? He immediately lets us off the hook when chugging banjo chords cause him to shout "Stop it, stop it! I don't like it! It's too loud for my ears." And later: "What's your meaning, Larry?" to which Larry plays a little non-riff on the organ. Gary responds "Ah, you think like I think." But you remember what he said about his brother. You remember that war sucks.

27. The Ify Jerry Krusade – Everybody Likes Something Good
Big ups to independent labels gathering rare international rock and funk gems from the sixties and seventies. Who doesn't like something good? This one's from Strut Records' Nigeria 70: Lagos Jump compilation. I'd like to restate last year's sentiment that just because musicians are from Africa (like the Ify Jerry Krusade) or South America (Pax, coming up) it does not mean they perform "world music." That's why you don't see Os Mutantes or Fela Kuti records in your local Starbucks. It's not world music unless it is based around aborginal instruments and rhythms, reinforces your white-man's guilt and is the sensory equivalent of full-blown AIDS.

28. Stooges – 1970 (Take 1)
"Listen to Ron." Excellent advice in all settings. From the once limited and now readily available (digitally) 1970: The Complete Fun House Sessions. Supposedly every single second put to tape during the recording of the award-winning album. Ron Asheton incorporates more of the first album's wah-wah effects on this initial take. I dig the sound but the guys (probably Iggy) were right to scale it back it in time for the master. Didn't sound very… well, 1970. I also favor replacing "in a world that's lame" here with the eventual "till it blow away." Much less teen-angsty.

29. Pax – Sittin' on My Head
This blatantly rips off Les Fleur de Lys's "Hold On," which they themselves ripped off (from themselves) by recording and releasing it twice. So we're all good. From the compilation Back to Peru, Vol. 2. The perspective of the cover shot makes the foxy Peruvian chica's calves look enormous. Great hat though. Proper LP release was 1970's May God and Your Will Land You and Your Soul Miles Away From Evil. ¡Amen, hermano!

30. Alexander Spence – War in Peace
It's a good thing I don't pay attention to lyrics because I have no idea what my man Skip is going on about. Probably war and/or peace? Mudhoney did a fine job with this one on the More Oar tribute. They can't be trusted with lyrical clarification though, just ask Sonic Boom in an hour or so. Nice hat-tip to "Sunshine of Your Love" at the end. If you reference another song I like then you'll probably make one of my silly playlists. Like Muddy Waters and that bastard Albini last year. Why are my sentences so choppy all of a sudden?

31. Entrance – Grim Reaper Blues
Nice contemporary (well, 2006) psychedelic blues here. It's not all Dead Meadow and Dungen, though would that be so terrible? This weirdo sounds like it could have been recorded minutes after that Michael Yonkers song from earlier (heard "Grim Reaper Blues" on the Greenway, too). Probably more a testament to how well that one has aged rather than anything Entrance is pulling off, but ask me again in thirty years.

32. Flaming Lips – Worm Mountain
"Worm Mountain" has a little bit of that trebly, upfront and slightly manic drum sound that a lot of shitty WFNX bands have embraced over the past couple of years. Probably because MGMT joins the Lips on this one, and they are one of those shitty bands. I'm willing to look past it because of the "Echoes"-like groove on the bridge and the general awesomeness that the (again) award-winning Embryonic spews forth. Even "I Can Be a Frog" is charming.

33. Spirit – Aren't You Glad
Spirit might be an acquired taste. I've been hearing them for a long time on Technicolor Web of Sound but only in the last year or so have I embraced more than a couple of songs (the obvious but excellent "Fresh Garbage" and "I Got a Line on You"). "Aren't You Glad" is a good example of a tight-but-loose song that requires patience. Prog tendencies will probably keep them from being cool but I'm in my late thirties and about to become a father. I'm getting no cooler.

34. Misfits – TV Casualty
My friend and I once went to the Good Time Emporium in one of the lesser neighborhoods of Somerville (since razed and reimagined as a future Ikea) to see "the Misfits." I put that in quotes because it was actually closer to Black Flag: only (ha!) Jerry Only remained from the classic Misfits, with Dez Cadena on guitar and Robo on drums. We learned at the door that tickets were surprisingly expensive for (a) any show at that shithole club/arcade and (b) any band who would perform at that shithole club/arcade. But it's the best twenty-five spent. Things started off great when they lifted the much-too-large Misfits curtain and it caught on the drum kit. It was the scrambling forty-five-year-old roadie's time to shine. Then the music, the stage presence—plain awesome all the way. They even sprinkled in a couple of Dez-era Black Flag songs for the encore and everyone was pumped… except for this one guy. He was slam-dancing throughout the early part of the show and really bugging the hell out of the rest of us. I used to pogo like you read about but by this time I'd far outgrown anything other than bobbing my head, giving this gorilla plenty of space and convincing myself that Budweiser really isn't so bad. Anyway, during a break between songs someone decided they'd had enough, went up behind him and tore his pants most of the way off. They split down each leg like a breakaway tux and the whole back half flapped down to expose his bare ass. Seconds later the defeat was total as two bouncers materialized to escort him out. He put on a brave face, clutched the remaining scraps of his pants like they were spilling entrails and slowly shuffled toward the door. Without compare, it is the single funniest thing I've ever witnessed.

35. Jedi Mind Tricks – Retaliation
"Bangin' y'all in the fuckin' face." Let's give rap music a hearty welcome back following that ninety-minute interval! Jedi Mind Tricks are an example of a group whose RZA-inspired beats and mega-strong MCs are top-notch. The lyrics, however, are often painfully aggressive. It's best to ignore them (easy for me to say) and concentrate on the vocals as melodies instead of language. "Y'all is always soundin' like a bitch when you spell." Hurtful!

36. Sonic's Rendezvous Band – City Slang
1978's "City Slang" is the perfect rock & roll response to the (already dying) punk movement. Meaningless lyrics, stretch it out, solo everywhere. Hard to believe it comes seven years after the MC5's High Time because it's a natural progression—not sure how much music Sonic was making in between. Anyway, High Time's "Poison" almost made my list (it did still provide the title) and this one's just as good. The band includes former Stooge Scott Asheton on drums—Rock Action himself! By the way, the least successful response to punk would have to be "Carouselambra," right? In a landslide. And I'm a John Paul Jones fan.

37. Guided by Voices – Wished I Was a Giant
Vampire on Titus is not as easy to find as you'd think. Sure, you can download it anywhere. But I wanted to span the gap between Propeller and Bee Thousand on my CD rack. This goes against everything I wrote last year but why don't you try staying principled when you can't even remember how to spell anymore, huh? And why do people keep giving me shit about my spelling?

38. Belle & Sebastian – I Love My Car
Most fans of the pre-Boy With the Arab Strap era say the band has never been as good since main man Stuart Murdoch started sharing the load, letting lesser band members like Isobel Campbell and Stevie Jackson write and sing on stuff. It's hard to argue when the far-and-away best songs on Arab Strap and Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like a Peasant are Murdoch's. (Most releases since those tend to blur together for me.) I guess the alternative would have been for him to repeatedly fire and replace his band à la Arthur Lee (up next) and eventually end up in prison on a weapons charge. In honor of this tension I've chosen the mid-period "I Love My Car." Needn't tell you who wrote it—the brilliant Beach Boys verse is a giveaway.

39. Love – You Set the Scene
This is really two songs in one. The first part is your typical Forever Changes fare, and that's a strong compliment. The final four-and-a-half minutes are perhaps the best in all of this wonderful band's career. Arthur Lee's vocals are tip-top ("I need you sooo woh woh woh woh-ohhh"), the strings and horns are perfectly balanced (not something with which they always succeeded) and it's difficult to concentrate on anything else while it's playing. Marvelous closer to the LP. On that topic, the 2001 reissue adds not only the 1968 "Your Mind and We Belong Together" single but also the tracking session for the A-side's guitar solo. Fascinating to listen in as Lee just kills Bryan MacLean and Johnny Echols for repeatedly fucking up. His concluding "That solo was really outta sight, man" evidently was not enough to keep MacLean, Echols and the rest of the group from splitting shortly after. Lee called bullshit on that, grabbed some hobos off the street and struck more gold with Four Sail a year later.

40. Dead Kennedys – A Growing Boy Needs His Lunch
I've really embraced this band over the past two or three years. I did always like the songs you're supposed to—"California Über Alles," "Holiday in Cambodia," "Let's Lynch the Landlord"—but only recently did I seek out the rest of the catalog. I was skeptical about the later Frankenchrist and Bedtime for Democracy but they hold up really, really well considering the stress and controversy within and around the group. "Lunch" is a good representation of late-era DK: vitriolic, clever, hippie-bashing lyrics over expansive instrumental sections (the vocals don't kick in for over a minute). Other contenders were "I Am the Owl," "Riot" and "Cesspools in Eden."

41. Tommy James & the Shondells – Crimson and Clover
I know Donovan, Steppenwolf and now Tommy James don't need me to defend them. (The undervalued Monkees might.) But Tommy James catches some real shit over his supposed phony psychedelia. Envious assholes. The Shondells recorded "Hanky Panky" in 1964 when most worthwhile American and English bands were busy arranging Bo Diddley songs. James doesn't do himself any favors by including fake studio dialogue like "Just do a thing, you know, whatever" at the beginning of the glorious album version of "Crimson and Clover." (Same deal on runner-up "I Am a Tangerine.") Real turn-off. But then a few seconds later it's "Ahhh…" (do-do do-do do-do) and I am piloting that Shondells starship right into fucking orbit.

42. Nas – Star Wars
Kudos to Nas and Jay-Z for not surrounding themselves with people who would commit murder for the sake of a hip-hop feud. We've come a long way, baby. I hate me some "Fly Like an Eagle" but how does it work so well when sampled? EPMD, Biz Markie, Jungle Brothers, Ice Cube, A Tribe Called Quest, Pete Rock & CL Smooth… erm, Vanilla Ice. And Nas. "Star Wars" was apparently left off Illmatic in favor of weak nonsense like "Life's a Bitch." Thank goodness for reissues.

43. The Fall – Theme From Sparta FC
A. and I attended a friend's party late last year and the host is a big Fall fan. He was playing the slightly annoying (trendy, snappy) version of this song from the original UK edition of The Real New Fall LP (a.k.a. Country on the Click) and I asked if he'd heard the more punky, guitar-driven single version (a.k.a. "Theme From Sparta FC #2") that was substituted onto the US release. Trying hard, y'know, to not be the "If you like that you're gonna love this" prick I used to be in and after college. I humbly offered to bring my iPod next time I saw him when a bitchy friend of theirs butted in with "I guess when you move to the suburbs you don't need an iPod anymore." I think she was taking a shot at me for being one of those suburbanites who drives everywhere, even though we both take the train to and from work every day. Sure, we drove to the party that night—I'm guessing it saved us about forty-five minutes each way. I would and will do it again. But even if we had done the train-to-subway-to-bus alternative does she think we would have ignored each other and listened to iPods the whole way? I can't remember my response but hopefully it was something in a Mark E. Smith voice. "Yew eh-yah mehstahkehn-eh."

44. The United States of America – The Garden of Earthly Delights
And you thought I forgot about "The Garden of Earthly Delights" after mentioning it in December. For shame! I wonder if it was controversial in 1967 to call yourselves the United States of America. "The United Kingdom of America" might have pushed them over the top, since Wikipedia tells me their eponymous album sold better in Britain than it did here. Blame an exchange-rate anomaly. Too bad they came and went with only one album while the inferior Jefferson Airplane stuck around long enough to suck it real hard. (End this year's Jefferson Airplane rant.)

45. Unwound – Off This Century
If you think consecutive years of ridiculously long playlists isn't excessive enough then go get Unwound's Leaves Turn Inside You right now. The band built their own studio, took a year to produce seventy-four minutes of music and split it up over two discs when it could have fit onto one. Why? Because each disc contains a data-hogging video for one of the album's songs. "Radio Gra" is a redundant and self-indulgent borefest with an equally dreadful video featuring beached whales, if I remember right. But: "Scarlette" is amazing quasi-old school Unwound at its best. Treatment of the vocals (growled and distorted beyond comprehension) might be off-putting to some but it really works with the rhythm. I can't hear it without thinking of its tremendous (and tremendously puzzling) video. Skip the CDs, download the songs you like and watch that video here. Anyhoo… I picked "Off This Century" from the same album. It fit better. I don't know what to tell you.

46. Spacemen 3 – Revolution
Enter Sonic Boom. It seems like every single Spacemen 3 song is either a cover or an interpretation of the Stooges, the Red Crayola or the MC5. So I present "Revolution," a.k.a. "Black to Comm" with a side order of Brother JC Crawford's Kick Out the Jams introduction. Mudhoney took "Revolution" to another level—undoubtedly improving it in my opinion, as I'm an eternal Mudhoney apologist—but I need another pasty, humorless rip-off artist to keep Jimmy Page company.

47. Blue Cheer – I'm the Light
Remember that light Les Fleur de Lys were going on about earlier? Turns out Blue Cheer is the source! Vincebus Eruptum's "Out of Focus" is my ringtone, for crying out loud, but I went with the 1971's "I'm the Light" because it's a different kind of great. I love how they finally figured out how to incorporate a sitar into their sound two or three years after people lost interest in Indian influences. Too bad only a portion of their fine 1969-to-1971 output is available for download on the appropriately named Good Times Are So Hard to Find compilation. Where are the full albums? I should really start that reissue concern I've been dreaming about since Anthology Recordings apparently went under (their inactive website states "We've stepped out for lunch, will be back soon…" and they've been enjoying that meal for about a year). How hard can it be to reach settlements with defunct old labels and publishers; entrust recording engineers to competently manage the remastering process; build rewarding partnerships with iTunes, Amazon, cloud-based services and future-mechanism (x) distributors; and then ensure that artists and songwriters receive proper royalties? And pay my own bills on top of all that? (Oh.)

48. George Brigman – Some of My Best Friends Are Snakes
George Brigman has done a lot for me. I can't remember if it was "Jungle Rot" or "Blowin' Smoke" I heard while driving through Inman Square (when I was still living in Cambridge) but I lay the blame for much of my current distorted-guitar-centered blues-rock partiality at his feet. I was already deeply into the Stooges and Blue Cheer at the time but I think Brigman really sealed it up. Funny thing, 2007's comeback (for lack of a better word) album Rags in Skull came out the same year as those groups' The Weirdness and What Doesn't Kill You, respectively. Similarities end there: Iggy and Dickie arouse shocking levels of cringe-inducing, what-in-the-worldwide-fuck despair. Brigman remains the genuine article. Just know, friends, that this one's not directed at you snakes.


In closing, for real this year: one song from the fifties; sixteen from the sixties (only four from 1968 this time); eleven from the seventies; three from the eighties (lowballed again!); four from the nineties; twelve from the aughts; and one from the teens. God bless you, son or daughter. I have given you a gift of thorough good taste.

More furious madness: Volume 1|Volume 2

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A short story

The new café was beautiful and poorly built. One customer opened a display cabinet and the door came off in her hand, smacking her kid right in the face. No tip! A week later we're still finding ball bearings.

The time had come for a different address. Our old spot had its share of bad memories and rose-colored marble, neither of which is fashionable. Change is often something to fear—new environments bring new people and new people bring new letdowns—but I was sure I'd be alright.

But that letdown part. People here are assholes. The other night I'm leaving at the end of my shift and I say "Goodnight" to one of the new girls. New to me, since she transferred from another location like I did. She looks up from washing the pot of Afro-Brew and goes right back to it without saying a word.

Thursday morning I come in and notice a few strips of blue painter's tape still stuck alongside the doorframe. Rude girl is casually mentioning her boyfriend to the new (brand new) guy again. He's asking her about yoga and she's being nice enough, even seems interested when he casually mentions his upcoming beer-pong tournament. He's nice enough but probably listens to the Killers.

A few Masters of the Universe come in after lunch, speaking loudly and flipping through the small CD display. $20 is too expensive even for these guys. Each compilation (always compilations) is hand-selected by my manager—nothing too racy, a little Beatles for Kids here and Jazz for Lovers there. I had a great idea once to produce a "Safe" series—Safe Blues, Safe Soul, etc., but he didn't think that would work. "We're trying to expand horizons here. Christ." Christ.

So these guys are cracking themselves up over "all this Mexican shit." They radiate a pink glow of top-shelf gin and expensive cigars that comes with early-afternoon benders. One of them grabs a disc. "'British Invasion'? Fuck that, all those limeys do is remind us what we invented a decade earlier." I do everyone a favor and slip a little salt into their Sula-Brews. "Spicy!" they holler.

I lock eyes with the rude girl as I'm leaving again. Feeling somehow invigorated after a dull afternoon I decide to give her another chance. Cheerily: "Have a good night!" She stares at me like I'd asked her the square root of seven. Leaving, I go out of my way to hold a door open for some college girl who doesn't thank me.

It's tough to fall asleep that night. At 2:30 I get out of bed and go to the kitchen for a beer, thinking the only way I'm going to sleep is if I'm buzzed. I race through a second beer, sitting at the table and working on a crossword with only a little bit of light. Hoping to wear out my eyes. I empty the bottle and stumble my way to the fridge for another. It's dark so I'm surprised to bump into a tall man with exceptionally long, blond hair. It's straight until it sweeps away at his shoulders. Ray Manzarek is in my kitchen.


Ray tells me to forget the beer. "Fire up some of that Inca-Brew you stole from work. I love that shit."

"The gold flakes sort of freak me out, same as the lava chips in the Hilo." I say. "I prefer the Hait-Brew." I don't see anything strange here.

"'Hate-Brew'? That's a drag."

"'Hait' as in 'Haitian.' I don't know, it's all the same I guess. I once saw the boss grind up some Mexa-Brew beans and dump them into an Afro-Brew bag."

"'Afro Blue'? I dig it. Stole that riff a few times."

"No, 'brew.' 'Brew.'" We're still in front of the fridge. "He hands it to the customer and I'm like 'You know that was the wrong coffee?' He shrugs and points at the guy, who opens the bag and take a big eyes-closed, grinning-idiot whiff. He had a point." Everything is normal. "Nice employee discount though."

Ray nods the way professional keyboardists nod. "Right on." He's no longer blocking my way but rather seated at the table, somehow. Must have brought his own chair. He looks out the window and absently starts tickling the striped tablecloth. I can tell it's "Moonlight Drive." He looks distressed for a second, left hand drifting off, until he notices the cheap bookshelf in front of the radiator. "This is a fire hazard, man," he advises and grabs the first four Dark Tower books because they're the only ones worth a shit. Stacks them on the table and resumes playing. He smiles. I can hear it too.

I sit as he continues. "We're all in this thing together, you know. Under one moon and all." (Uh-huh.) "People start looking too closely at each other and problems creep in."

I'm too practical. "Won't there be injuries if people don't look at each other? Just a minute ago I walked right into you."

He sips his coffee. Where's mine? "The beans you're pushing, they're specialized. Segregated. They need to mingle and screw each other. Get real tight." (Uh-huh.) "You have to blend them."

"I'm just a barman." I glance at my crossword. It has completed itself. "I have to serve what they ask for."

Ray eases off the tablecloth. "Do you have any drugs?"

I wake up in bed. It's Friday morning. I smell awful.

Quick shower and then I hit the road. Nothing can get me down today. Not even the bus. "Sunsquashed" carries me into town and doesn't produce the hangover I'm willing to risk. I feel great, in fact, better than ever. The previous night grew a little foggy after all the talk of beans, gotta mix the beans. Easy. Beans. Real tight. Beans. Drugs. Drugs? Could be it.

Two stops early I exit the bus and walk the rest of the way. The cop directing traffic at the intersection is about five foot eight. He seems frazzled. I guess there's no longer a height requirement.

I'm paying more attention than usual. A gentleman walking ten feet in front of me slows just enough to hand a cigarette to a guy hustling homeless newspapers. I like when people think the papers are free. Their faces go from "I'll make this poor guy's day" to "I don't even want the damn thing." Cigarettes are killers.

It's sunny and flowers are in full bloom. I resist the urge to snap away with my camera phone and instead take it all in. Won't allow photographs to replace memory on a day like this. Nothing can describe the appearance of these trees.

By the time I get to work I am one million dollars. I walk in and someone is removing the leftover painter's tape, scrubbing off sticky residue. Fuckin' A.

Friday is clean laundry day. Fresh red and orange aprons hang from hooks in the break room. Mine fits perfectly and looks sharp. I love red and orange together. The rude girl wears headphones and stares into her locker, cramming one more song by some exclamation-point band. She wishes her success were equally dependent upon viral videos. I walk over and smile at her until she is compelled to smile back.

"Two point six four six," I say.

"Excuse me?"

"I answered my own question from last night. Two point six four six. With rounding, you know. We don't have all night." I wink and head out to the floor.

An older woman is washing her hands. New employee. I can tell she's one of those who've lived or worked in the area her whole life, thinks it'll be fun to chat up best friends while charging them $3.95. It's not a terrible idea. She turns to me and says "Good morning." I'm glad. She looks amazing in her apron.

At the register I greet my first customer. "What'll you have?"

"What's good today?"

Everything is good today. Smiling, I recommend the Moon-Brew. "It's a blend. The moon favors no one."

He and his perfectly round head consider this. "Fuck that. Large Hate, please." I appreciate the "please." He didn't have to say that.

I step over to the Hait-Brewer and start pouring the man's coffee. Every time I fill a large the machine emits a short mechanical sound, barely audible, like it's transferring water from one internal recess to another. It's so positive and futuristic.

Nothing is going to ruin my day.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Nomar Day revisited

July 31, 2004. Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra is traded (indirectly) for shortstop Orlando Cabrera and first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz. It was the strangest thing—a large group of us had collected at our friend Hector's (false name) suburban backyard to celebrate his thirtieth birthday party. The news rolled out fast, someone probably shouting from the porch "Nomah's gahn!" (the "Boston accent" is not as common as everyone—New Englanders included—like to pretend, but it does tend to prevail the more one drinks). I had no idea at all how to react. He'd been a big part of the team almost going to the World Series the year before, but perhaps they'd be better without him. My nth beer was not so helpful in the clear-thinking department.

We all know what happened months later but that's not the point—my version would devolve into bitterness over losing Cabrera and others the following year anyway. Hector, my other best friend Ivan (false name) and I came up with a project a month or so earlier: wouldn't it be fun to pick favorite songs from the same favorite bands and stick them on mixes, then compare notes? We agreed on a list of seventeen classic artists we all liked, figuring seventeen four- to five-minute songs would fill up a CDR. The deadline was July 31 and the plan was to play them during the hours-long party. I wish I could remember what was playing when the Nomar news broke.

Our tastes did generally diverge: highbrow art like Dead Meadow and the Stooges on my side, a bunch of ska and other nonsense on theirs. So we focused on classic rock with a little punk and rap. Here's the list, in any order:

AC/DC
Aerosmith
Alice Cooper
Beastie Boys
Black Flag
Black Sabbath
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Fugazi
Kiss
Led Zeppelin
Metallica
Public Enemy
Ramones
Rolling Stones
Run-DMC
Ted Nugent
Van Halen


Three additional options were available if one elected to fill out eighty minutes: Ozzy Osbourne, James Brown and the Beatles. I'm curious how we managed to leave out NWA, Bad Brains and Hendrix… simmering racism? Anyhoo, I had fun putting it together and I think it turned out pretty well. But what changes might I make if I were to do this today? I'm glad I asked! Russell Johnson might not have been able to save President Lincoln in that time-bending Twilight Zone episode but it won't stop me from altering things.

1. Van Halen – Hot for Teacher
Excellent job here. Fantastic song, good way to start things off. But I feel bad for neglecting Fair Warning, my favorite Van Halen album. The unusual "Sunday Afternoon in the Park" paired with "One Foot Out the Door" (really one track, as on the album), though, is something I'd be proud of today. I choose you, Sunday One Foot.

Friend picks: Hector also went with "Hot for Teacher" and Ivan chose "House of Pain." Some serious 1984 action! "Teacher" represents the first bit of symmetry between the three of us: each shared one song with the other two.

2. AC/DC – Whole Lotta Rosie
Wouldn't touch this quintessential Bon Scott song. Others contend, sure, but why bother? Rosie's bigger than all of them.

Friend picks: "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" (from 1992's Live) and "Whole Lotta Rosie." Not sure why Hector had to settle for a live, constipated Brian Johnson version of this excellent song. "Rosie" is shared song number two. Funny how I got them out of the way quick.

3. Beastie Boys – So What'cha Want
Nice pick, again, but why not go with something you don't still hear on the radio? Where's "She's on It"? "Looking Down the Barrel of a Gun"? "Stand Together"? It's "Barrel," for the Mountain sample.

Friend picks: "Hold It Now, Hit It" and "Hey Ladies." One of the lesser-known (and weaker, if you ask me) songs from License to Ill and probably the most-popular song from Paul's Boutique. It's a rollercoaster ride with these guys.

4. Metallica – Master of Puppets
I really like this song but I suspect I chose it because it was the right length or it worked well with everything around it. But I'll take "Creeping Death," and not just because watching The Ten Commandments is an annual Easter highlight.

Friend picks: "So What" and "Crash Course in Brain Surgery." Hector seems more interested in funny, tongue-in-cheek songs, demonstrated here and later with the Nuge. In fact, I'm confident he'd list the Dead Milkmen as one of his ten favorite bands—I suppose not everyone can have sophisticated taste like, say, a die-hard Blue Cheer fan. But I was jealous of Ivan's "Crash Course" pick here.

5. Creedence Clearwater Revival – Born on the Bayou
Money. The perfect CCR song.

Friend picks: "Down on the Corner" and "Fortunate Son." I'd make a joke about the two of them only being familiar with Chronicle if my selection weren't just as popular. But "Born on the Bayou" is on Chronicle, Vol. 2.

6. Rolling Stones – Jumpin' Jack Flash
Sheesh. I still really like this song but I hear it at least once a week in the car. I remember almost going with "Stray Cat Blues" but thinking Hector and Ivan never would have heard it before. Regrettable. Anyway, over the weekend I read the Exile on Main St. volume of the 33⅓ series (more on this when I get to writing about Trout Mask Replica) and though it's not my favorite Stones album I'm compelled to go with "Rocks Off," "Turd on the Run" or "Ventilator Blues/Just Wanna See His Face" over slightly older favorites like "Stray Cat," "Monkey Man" and "Sway." "Rocks Off," for Keef's backing vocals.

Friend picks: "Brown Sugar" and "Can't You Hear Me Knocking." I no longer bother with "Brown Sugar." If I walk up Lynn Shore Drive for twenty minutes tomorrow I guarantee I'll hear it blast out of at least one car window. I knew Ivan would pick "Knocking" because we both have always liked it. Good for him for being predictable in a good way, even if I suspect he wanted to fade it out halfway through.

7. Ramones – Cretin Hop
Safe but nice song from my favorite Ramones album at the time, Rocket to Russia. Nowadays I lean more toward the first two albums. They're all basically the same. I think, though, that "Today Your Love, Tomorrow the World" screams for inclusion. I relent.

Friend picks: "Somebody Put Something in My Drink" and "Rockaway Beach." Hector picked a weird, weird song. Good for him. He probably put more thought into this one than he did the rest of the comp. Or it was handy, I don't know. More Russia love elsewhere from Ivan. Pinko bastards!

8. Aerosmith – Big Ten Inch Record
I'm sticking with the sex puns. Nice horns, tight arrangement, same old crappy Joey Kramer drumming.

Friend picks: "The Farm" and "Toys in the Attic." I'd never heard "The Farm" before this mix. I understand why. Say what you will about Aerosmith but even haters have to admit that song's not in the same league as the well worn "Toys in the Attic."

9. Black Sabbath – War Pigs
Classic. An overplayed song that I never tire of. I contribute by playing it in bars whenever I get the chance, managing (most of the time) to not cringe when Ozzy rhymes "masses" with… "masses." So it was either this or the entire first album.

Friend picks: "Am I Going Insane (Radio)" and "Supernaut." Never really liked "Am I Going Insane." It came right before "Laguna Sunrise" on my old We Sold Our Soul for Rock & Roll cassette so I could fast-forward straight through the both of them. Convenient! "Supernaut" is a great pick from the mostly good Vol. 4.

10. Run-DMC – Sucker MCs
Classic, but so old-school sounding that it sticks out like a sore thumb against the straightforward rock. One solution is to go with a guitar-oriented favorite like "Raising Hell" so it blends in better. Mine is to strip it all the way down with the live "Here We Go."

Friend picks: "Mary, Mary" and "King of Rock." My new Raising Hell selection completes the sequential-album sandwich.

11. Black Flag – Fix Me
"Nervous Breakdown" was actually my first pick but it was too long to fit. Indeed, two minutes was too long. Anyway, as much as I like the Rollins era I love the short-and-sweet Keith Morris era. "Fix Me" is fantastic but its brevity gets swallowed here. I'll let the band stretch out on my original "Nervous Breakdown" because it was the first song on their first release and its closing "…diiiiieeeeeeeee!" was more heavily produced than anything that followed.

Friend picks: "Louie, Louie" (Everything Went Black version) and "Nervous Breakdown." I like the "Mary, Mary"/"Louie, Louie" action from Hector, even though they didn't come back-to-back on his mix. He took the long view. In related news, I'm currently enjoying Dave Marsh's Louie, Louie: The History and Mythology of the World's Most Famous Rock & Roll Song; Including the Full Details of Its Torture and Persecution at the Hands of the Kingsmen, J. Edgar Hoover's FBI and a Cast of Millions; and Introducing, for the First Time Anywhere, the Actual Dirty Lyrics.

12. Fugazi – Walken's Syndrome
Not sure why I felt the need to represent my least-favorite Fugazi album. Killer song though. I was self-conscious about picking anything from Red Medicine or later, for some reason, which is really dumb even before hearing Ivan's "Bed for the Scraping." The lesson, as always, is to never care at all what other people think. Also, to always take compilations seriously enough so that, years later, you won't pick apart your own decisions on a blog no one reads. It's tempting to keep "Walken's Syndrome" because I've lately (as in the last fifteen years) preferred Guy's songs to Ian's. And Steady Diet of Nothing's "KYEO" ("Keep Your Eyes Open") offers good advice, particularly (again) when criticizing your younger self. "Lusty Scripps" and "Version" are tempting instrumentals. But it's going to have to be "Ex-Spectator" from the final (?) album The Argument, which I bought at a Yale University record store of all places.

Friend picks: "Waiting Room" and "Bed for the Scraping." Can't really go wrong with "Waiting Room" but five out of ten Americans would choose it given the opportunity. As I said, "Bed for the Scraping" was a nice surprise. (It's not like Red Medicine is this super complex masterwork but it's certainly more mature and experimental—yet looser—than anything before it. "Target" was even a minor hit around here.) It closed out Ivan's disc: brilliant maneuver, even as I (still today) expect "Latest Disgrace" to kick right in. And if you can't tell by now I think his mix rivaled my own, even after I'm done correcting sixty percent of it.

13. Kiss – Love Gun (live)
With Kiss, I only ever cared about Alive! and Alive II until fairly recently. Little did I know I was missing out on honest-to-god gems like "Strange Ways" and "Hooligan" (two Peter Criss songs… I'm as surprised as you are!). At the time, I naturally had to go with a live song. Unfortunately—as I chided "Dirty Deeds" above and then hypocrited myself here and with James Brown's "There Was a Time"—it's clumsy to slot random live songs among studio recordings. So I'll keep "Love Gun" but substitute the proper Love Gun version.

Friend picks: "Shout It Out Loud" and "Strutter." Solid gold. Every time I hear "Shout It Out Loud" I think of the online Globe or Phoenix review of one of the Kiss concerts the three of us attended. The guy wrote something like "We didn't know what 'it' was but we were shouting it." This was on the Psycho Circus tour so we're talking 1998, which means I was already not reading newspapers… a year after graduating with a BA in journalism. The printed word is sure taking its sweet-ass time to die.

14. Ted Nugent – Just What the Doctor Ordered
Had to reach a bit here since I wasn't (and am not) the biggest Nugent fan. "Stranglehold" would be my automatic pick but it must have been too long, plus I knew Ivan would use it anyway. I toyed with a couple of Amboy Dukes songs but thought that might be cheating, so I went with a ZZ Top-esque "Doctor." Ivan had never heard it before Nomar Day and told me it was awesome. Hector might have been in the bouncy house at the time. Regardless, I'm now taking the Amboy Dukes route and picking the obvious, excellent "Journey to the Center of the Mind." I loved it then and I love it now, no matter how many car commercials co-opt it. Besides, "Stranglehold" is still too long to fit.

Friend picks: "Kiss My Ass" and "Stranglehold." Nugent played "Kiss My Ass" when we saw him open for Kiss for the fourth and final (?) time. It was this generation's "Commonwealth Song." A couple hours later I made my classic "Love Theme From Kiss" joke.

15. Alice Cooper – School's Out
Really disappointed in myself for not branching away from many hit songs. In my defense I hadn't yet explored Alice's catalog, I guess, but if I could discover "Just What the Doctor Ordered" then I should have dug deeper for Alice. I'll go with the driving "Return of the Spiders" from 1970's pre-stardom Easy Action.

Friend picks: "Billion Dollar Babies" for the both of them. Copacetic, baby. Can't believe I only recently recognized Donovan's co-vocal there.

16. Public Enemy – Don't Believe the Hype
So many great songs on the first three albums and you can't not love "Don't Believe the Hype." Silly rabbit. But… "Terminator X to the Edge of Panic" is the complete Public Enemy experience. "Who gives a fuck about a goddamn Grammy!" And the Queen sample? The Queen sample! Obvious samples are in.

Friend picks: "Fight the Power" (from Do the Right Thing) and "Bring the Noise" (from It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back). Holy version distinction!

17. James Brown – There Was a Time (live)
I think I'd recently bought Say It Live and Loud and "There Was a Time" was relentless love at first sound. Unfortunately my meddling squeezes James out this time, but that's OK because I named my 2007 playlist in his honor.

Friend pick: "Hot Pants (She Got to Use What She Got to Get What She Wants) (Part 1)" for Hector. He still had eight minutes of space after using all twenty artists. That'll happen when none of your songs top six minutes. Ivan had six minutes left but he outright ignored JB and the Beatles.

18. Led Zeppelin – How Many More Times
This will be my favorite Zeppelin song until the end of time. Those old coots at WZLX have even started playing it during their "Stairway to Seven" segment, daily at 7:00. (You see, it's a play on… never mind.)

Friend picks: "Immigrant Song" and "Moby Dick." I've always liked "Immigrant Song" but the only thing you hear more on the radio is "Rock & Roll," which I no longer listen to. I wonder if I'll ever skip past "Immigrant Song." In other words, it's exactly what I would expect Hector to half-heartedly pick. Oh well, it was his party I guess. "Moby Dick" was another pleasant surprise from Ivan, particularly when the assumed "Bring It on Home" didn't kick right in. What a cold, harsh edit. Well done.

In other news, Hector exercised his options with Ozzy's "Goodbye to Romance" (there's your tongue-in-cheek thing) and the Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby" (baroo?). Ozzy showed up on Ivan's mix with "Bark at the Moon." If I'd had to fill a Beatles slot then my backward-glancing guess would be either "Tomorrow Never Knows" or, more likely (since Ivan, some other friends and I used to crack up over "goo goo g'joob" in high school), "I Am the Walrus." With Ozzy, probably "Mr. Crowley" or "Bark at the Moon." How I did rue the limitations of the compact disc. [Edit: See below for my rule-breaking 2011 picks.]

New! Improved! Please note the editorial decision to retcon a Bad Brains allowance because there's room for it. Seventeen feels odd anyhow. Har! Har!

1. Led Zeppelin – How Many More Times
2. Beastie Boys – Looking Down the Barrel of a Gun
3. Van Halen – Sunday Afternoon in the Park/One Foot Out the Door
4. AC/DC – Whole Lotta Rosie
5. Rolling Stones – Rocks Off
6. Metallica – Creeping Death
7. Run-DMC – Here We Go (Live at the Funhouse)
8. Amboy Dukes – Journey to the Center of the Mind
9. Creedence Clearwater Revival – Born on the Bayou
10. Black Flag – Nervous Breakdown
11. Public Enemy – Terminator X to the Edge of Panic
12. Ramones – Today Your Love, Tomorrow the World
13. Fugazi – Ex-Spectator
14. Alice Cooper – Return of the Spiders
15. Bad Brains – Supertouch/Shitfit
16. Black Sabbath – War Pigs
17. Aerosmith – Big Ten Inch Record
18. Kiss – Love Gun


Better, right? Rod Serling chimes in with a solid "maybe." I'll take it.


Bonus revisionist EP alert!

1. Beatles – Strawberry Fields Forever
With age comes perspective, and I'm finally mature enough to recognize this as the greatest Beatles song.

2. James Brown – Down and Out in New York City
A favorite of mine since college, when I placed it on a classic rock/funk mixtape called I Am a Tired Old Woman. Extended version from the Make It Funky: The Big Payback compilation.

3. Ozzy Osbourne – Over the Mountain
I'm fine with this, but I'd much rather cheat in Amboy Dukesian fashion and choose another Sabbath song. Erm…

3. Ozzy Osbourne – Over the Mountain
3. Black Sabbath – Warning
It's my goddamn blog.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Eternal optimism in an age of supposed parity when two teams win five (and almost seven) of the last ten Super Bowls

Some observations from Sunday's game before going all Patriots batshit:

"Labor uncertainty" is the new "all-important third preseason game." Please set aside all non-NFL-related uses of this phrase until a labor agreement is reached.

How about Ben Roethlisberger? That's three horrible Super Bowl performances, and finally one the Steelers didn't win in spite of him. It's fun listening to Michael Wilbon say he would still take him over any other quarterback… and then criticize Pittsburgh's offensive game plan for "putting it all on Roethlisberger." What a pure goddamn fool he is. (Battery mate Tony Kornheiser called Jay Cutler "a top-flight NFL player" a few weeks ago. Why do I listen to this shit?)

Aaron Rodgers was on Letterman last night and admitted he didn't have much faith in his team's kick-coverage unit. That's exactly the kind of maturity you want in your Super Bowl MVP. On a related note, head coach Mike McCarthy will be out of a job in five or six years.

Even if the Steelers had won another title I would have maintained a certain satisfaction that they managed to avoid playing the Patriots yet again. Avoid isn't the right word, really, because it's not the Steelers' fault the Pats weren't good enough to make it as far as they did. But if Steeler fans can keep spending their unemployment checks on yellow towels then I can enjoy this petty victory.

Let's see, according to every writer in New England the turning point for the Packers this season was a game against the Patriots that they would have won if Rodgers played. So the realization they came to before ripping off six straight wins was: make sure your starting quarterback starts. Never mind that the actual reason they lost that one the way they did was not because of poor play from the backup quarterback but rather some horrible Andy Reid-esque clock management by a seasoned head coach who should know better. See item three above.

My favorite commercial was for BMW or Mercedes or whatever it was with the rich white guys breaking out of rich-white-guy prison. It seems no one in America is talking about it, which tells me I'm right. Also, "Cram It in the Boot" for Mini had me snickering like a fourteen-year-old. I had to rewind to make sure I'd seen what I'd just seen and yes, he slipped a huge hoagie dick into that boot. I suspect the spot will never air in this country again.

Google produces more than seven hundred thousand results for "national anthem fail." Christina Aguilera will somehow pull it together and continue to sleep on a big pile of money every night.

Joe Buck continues to sleep on big piles of conceit, self-righteousness and malaise.

That about covers things. It was a good game but I couldn't really get into it. Certainly not the same experience when your team isn't participating. Along those lines, all in all I think the Patriots are in a great spot for next season. Everyone, only now, is conveniently calling 2010 a rebuilding year and they're right, even if they waited until elimination to admit it. Anyway, here's a projection of September's forty-five-man game-day roster (plus eight inactives), with a mix of what I think will happen and what needs to happen. Not a lot will change—I'm looking for the youngsters to keep on keepin' on—but the players being replaced are some pretty big, established names. Offense comes first (like it has since 2007) and an asterisk indicates a starter. Apologies for not really knowing how many reserve offensive linemen, defensive backs, etc., teams tend to carry on game days.

Quarterbacks
Tom Brady*
Brian Hoyer
Jonathan Crompton (practice-squad eligible)/[Veteran free agent]

Hoyer is the well established backup. We haven't seen much of him, and he's surely young and has demonstrated that he can be rattled, but I think Belichick likes him. I do too. Then again, I was among the majority who thought Matt Cassel should have been cut in favor of Matt Gutierrez in 2008. The only difference is most of those lunatics are now wishing we traded Brady and signed Cassel long term. Patriots fans are idiots. As for the third "emergency" option (a position not included on the game-day roster for some time, possibly due to Julian Edleman's college experience), I think it will be fully manned by the practice squad's Compton or some journeyman veteran who may or may not have filled the roll on this team in the past. Brady is not prone to injuries but with some major recent surgeries—and encroaching (five yards!) middle age—I think it's time to employ more than one full-time backup.

Running Backs
BenJarvus Green-Ellis*
Danny Woodhead
Thomas Clayton

People around here are begging for a first-round, every-down back. I wonder why everyone wants to fuck with a formula that worked pretty well with Green-Ellis and Woodhead sharing the load. Much more important things to spend those high picks on. I see all three 2010 veterans either retiring—Kevin Faulk, a true gentleman and American hero who I hope becomes a coach on this team—or moving on—Fred Taylor, who could have been wonderful here if he wasn't repeatedly betrayed by his body, and Sammy Morris, possibly the most underrated member of the team the past few years (except for 2010). Fun group, but it is indeed time to get younger. I see Thomas Clayton moving up from the practice squad and getting a lot of special-teams experience the way Green-Ellis did, then maybe a third-or-so-rounder getting some carries later in the season.

Wide Receivers
Deion Branch*
Wes Welker*
Julian Edelman
Brandon Tate

Maybe a mid- to late-round pick to add to the mix, but I don't see much to change here. Local blowhards are demanding a Moss-like field-stretcher and seem to think we can pry a slightly disgruntled Larry Fitzgerald from Arizona for a bag of balls, proving once and for all that there is no bottom when it comes to the intelligence of people who follow the Patriots. The offense sucked in the Jets loss but, just like with the running backs, I'm not ready to ditch everything that worked so well in the regular season. The only wild card is Welker—weird year for him. He exceeded all expectations by returning so quickly and solidly from last season's injury, but despite more touchdowns than usual he dropped a shitload of passes and there's speculation that he's unhappy with his contract (I don't believe that based on recent comments). Edelman is an excellent receiver… when Welker is inactive. When Welker is in the game Edelman plays sporadically, consequently dropping passes or getting assaulted in the middle of the field, and often both. But when he doesn't have to worry about being benched he does a pretty convincing (and cheaper) Welker imitation. Very strange. I'm left wondering what he could turn into if Welker and his looming shadow were traded or released. I like Tate to continue to be a decent kick-returner, drop some passes and make the (very) occasional excellent offensive play. Second-year guy Taylor Price is the question mark: if he develops like some analysts anticipate he could morph into a reliable David Givens-type of possession receiver with added big-play potential. Exciting to see what he might do.

Tight Ends
Rob Gronkowski*
Aaron Hernandez*
Alge Crumpler

Gronkowski and Hernandez are locks, of course, but I really hope the team retains Crumpler. I see no point in discarding him in favor of a less-expensive veteran. He's a captain, he does amazing high fives with Gronkowski and I want him, Taylor and Branch to start a free-form talk show. They are the smoothest, most upstanding individuals around and I'd love to hear their level-headed realism regarding everyday things like the Verizon iPhone, Egypt and shoveling your sidewalk.

Offensive Line
Matt Light (LT)*
Logan Mankins (LG)*
[Draft pick] (C)*
Dan Connolly (RG)*
Sebastian Vollmer (LT)*
Ryan Wendell
Quinn Ojinnaka

I had some trouble here. Light had a good season but I thought, no matter what, it would be his last one here (he's a free agent). More on that in a second. Dan Koppen seems like a nice guy but he's a little undersized, and I think the team needs to spend one of their higher picks on a big athletic center. For that reason, and because Mankins might be gone (he'll likely be back if you ask me, but still; I know nothing about football), I don't think Belichick will want to have to replace at least two starting veterans with rookies or free agents. So I'd go with a rookie center in this year's draft and a rookie right tackle (Vollmer shifting over to the left side, unless some monster left tackle is available) next year. It pains me to leave off my man Stephen Neal—he is outrageously athletic when he's able to play and he's super-fun to watch on late-developing screen passes, but I think the most recent is one injury too many. He will retire. Too bad. Connolly—clearly athletic as well, with the amazing kickoff return against the Packers (maybe Rodgers wasn't so out of line)—will become the full-time right guard. And, if you haven't noticed, I have no confidence in Nick Kaczur as a tackle or a guard. He was penciled in at left guard last preseason (when it became clear that Mankins wouldn't be back) and then hurt himself before playing a down. This follows his right-tackle job being taken away from him two seasons ago by a German rookie. So suddenly he's a returning starter? At a new position? I don't see it. He'll be dealing drugs in Canada by October. [Edit: I added the Kaczur rant after realizing I neglected to explain my decision to leave him off the roster. (I admit to cleaning up the words but not the meaning of older posts when not writing shiny new ones.) I hadn't heard anything about the team's potential—and still unproven—decision to cut him. After this revelation, however, I would like to move my drug-dealing projection up to March.]

Defensive Line
Ron Brace (DE)*
Vince Wilfork (NT)*
Kyle Love (DE)*
Myron Pryor
Mike Wright
Gerard Warren

Weird year for this crew. Ty Warren goes down before the season starts and who knows what we can expect from him. I'd love to see him return to his dominant pre-injury self at right defensive end. Only thing, he was never a dominant player the way Richard Seymour was or Wilfork can at times be. I think Belichick sees what the young guys (Pryor, Brace, Love and Deaderick) can do around Wilfork, Wright and Gerard Warren (who admirably filled the Warren role but probably doesn't have the trade value and/or high contract of Ty). Wilfork finally displayed some three-down flexibility (as well as some excruciatingly boring interview skills… when he actually sucks it up and gives interview, like following huge wins where he plays well) and I think we'll see more four-man lines like we did this season. Unfortunately, too many injuries stunted a lot of potential 2010 development.

Linebackers
Rob Ninkowivh (OLB)*
Jerod Mayo (ILB)*
Brandon Spikes (ILB)*
Jermaine Cunningham (OLB)*
Gary Guyton
Eric Moore
Dane Fletcher

We need an outside rusher who can consistently pressure the quarterback and make awesome defensive-player-of-the-year type plays in the middle of the field. That man is not on the team right now. I don't know who or where he is. But I wish Belichick would just take a fucking chance for once and draft a guy who might make an immediate impact, even if he is a little shorter than some perfect-on-paper prospect. In other news, Tully Banta-Cain has been a nice player but he is fourth-best behind a converted long snapper, a serviceable second-round pick and a UFL player. Patriots All Access also did a feature this year on his side career as a shitty R&B singer. Sorry, TBC. You're cut. Maybe we'll see you again in three years. Again.

Cornerbacks
Devin McCourty*
Leigh Bodden*
Kyle Arrington
Darius Butler

Count me among the people disappointed—at the time—with last year's McCourty draft pick. Not because I thought he was a lousy player—I don't follow college football in any capacity—but because the first thing the "experts" on the NFL Network said about him was that he was a strong special-teams player. That wasn't what I was looking for in a first-round pick. But it turns out he is indeed an excellent special-teams player and an even better cornerback. I'm excited to see what he can do this year opposite Leigh Bodden, winner of the award for Least Talked-About but Most Defense-Crippling Injury of 2010. Arrington was OK but I liked it better when he was a strong special-teams player who occasionally played some defensive back. Butler is hanging on by a thread—he is just not that good. Even in the few times when he played perfect coverage—as in, not an Ellis-Hobbsian seven yards behind the play—the receiver would end up with the ball. Either he or Wilhite will be inactive on game day and then cut by the end of the year.

Safeties
Patrick Chung*
James Sanders*
Jarrad Page

Now that Brandon Meriweather is a two-time Pro-Bowler I wonder if we'd be able to get a seventh-round pick for him. Good riddance. His contract is up after next season but I don't even want to wait that long. What a horrible, horrible player he is. If you meet someone who claims to be a Pats fan and you are wondering how carefully he follows the team, just ask what he thinks of Meriweather. If he says anything more flattering than "Substandard" then you are speaking with a fake fan or to Meriweather himself. Other than that, I like what I've seen from Chung and (in limited situations) Page and Brown. I think either Page or Brandon McGowan (returning from injury) will be back in that spy-Dallas-Clark type of role, but not both. James Sanders is a good player with a great attitude and his is the role the team will look to fill via the draft, either this year or next. Honestly, they can dump Meriweather and do nothing else with this crew and it will have improved.

Specialists
Stephen Gostkowski (K)
Zoltan Mesko (P)
Matt Katula (LS)
Matthew Slater
Tracy White

Haven't read anything saying Gostkowski will not return at full strength. Then again, I don't read notable fucktards Mike Felger, Tony Massarotti or Dan Shaughnessy. I appreciate Shayne Graham and the fill-in job he did for us but I hope we don't need him, and that he succeeds on another team. Mesko was fine and another year of training camp should hopefully tighten up his mechanics. Katula did what he was supposed to do (the botched fake punt against the Jets was not his fault) in being totally forgettable so I don't see a point in drafting a replacement. (He also reminds me of Metallica's "The Call of Ktulu," which is the fine closing instrumental from the award-winning Ride the Lightning.) There are a lot of Slater-haters… and I'm one of them when he's on the field for anything other than kicks and punts (as a coverage/cover man, not a returner). But he rings up special-teams tackles and looks like an incognito superhero with his glasses on, so there's value there. He'll count as a never-used receiver on game day. Same as "linebacker" White, who will probably be back as a big-four special-teamer.

Inactives
Taylor Price (for now)
Sergio Brown (for now)
Brandon Deaderick
Rich Ohrnberger
Jonathan Wilhite
Running back [Draft pick]
Cornerback/Safety [Draft pick]
Outside linebacker [Draft pick]

So there you have it: the uninformed ramblings of someone who has never played a down of meaningful football. Matter of fact I fractured the tip of my ring finger the last time I played a pick-up game—twelve or thirteen years ago—slamming it against the frozen Brighton tundra after whiffing on a Thanksgiving weekend tackle. Guess what, though: I played through that shit.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Beer and football — playoffs, week two

The game: Jets at Patriots
The beer: Cody Unz Ya Altbier
The result: Fuuuuuuck
The commentary: I know nothing about football.

Spending a week away from the game is a good way to deal with the end of your team's season. I don't know what I would have done without the Golden Globes—A. was all excited to watch, and when the game was over and she asked if I was going to watch the postgame stuff I harumphed and changed the channel. The red carpet and Ricky Gervais were just what I needed, as self-aggrandizing celebrity culture does well to balance out football-related despondency.

It's a good thing I'm not superstitious or else I might got into it's-all-my-fault mode. A couple of weeks ago I picked up the Cody altbier (my least-favorite beer of the season—insofar as I actually didn't like it at all—paired well with the Pats' worst game of the season) and, for the "inevitable" championship game, Berkshire's "Shabadoo" Black & Tan Ale. I knew I'd want something reliable for what figured to be a tough matchup against the Steelers–Ravens winner. Drag.

So on Sunday, following a week-long media blackout (no Mike Reiss, no PFW in Progress, no Patriots Daily), I muted the games, drank my Shabadoo and finally finished the Krakauer book (highly recommended) before starting Jonathan Safran Foer's so-far-irritating Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Some Christmases ago I gave it to A. because I liked the cover. She never got through it and it's been sitting on our shelf ever since, dying to be sold or donated. I'm turned off by contemporary authors who can't just produce a good story but I thought I'd give it a shot, though I can already tell I should have chosen to reread The Bachman Books instead of engaging another "next great American novelist" who wears trendy glasses and does forest-crippling things with typography. Say what you will about Dan Brown (I can't remember if Digital Fortress or Deception Point was my guilty pleasure a few years ago because they're basically the same book) but I think well designed ambigrams are more interesting than scanned scraps of notepaper and purposely illegible text. And I guess some readers can't be trusted to imagine what two-and-a-half pages of integers might look like. Anyway, I look forward to not seeing the movie.

The healing process began Saturday evening when I watched the ESPN documentary Four Days in October, chronicling the 2004 Red Sox comeback over the Yankees. I loved the behind-the-scenes clips and puzzled over the value of intermittently cutting to Bill Simmons (someone I used to enjoy reading until he morphed into this generation's Rick Reilly a few years ago) and Lenny Clarke (ditto Don Rickles) sitting in a bar, not drinking their beers and trying to provide context as if the series played out in a world without cable television. (The Sports Guy lost me in 2007 when, long after the fact, he said Jarvis Green—someone with significant playing time over a number of years—and not Marquise Hill—who didn't play a meaningful down his entire (short) career—was the Patriots' defensive lineman who died in a jet ski accident. Does he even follow this team when his bookie's not around?) Anyway, I walked away encouraged… by the Yankees. They lost, they continued with moderate success for a bit and then they won again in 2009. It's the same blueprint if the Pats can win next year or the year after and, despite how upset I am that it didn't work out this year, I have no reason to believe they won't be right back in this thing in September. The quarterback just had the second-best season of his career (maybe the best, if you consider the talent differential from 2007), some defensive building blocks are in place with Vince Wilfork, Devin McCourty and Jerod Mayo (who still needs to emerge as a consistent playmaker) and the young guys learned the hard way that it's not all kittens and pancakes—hopefully they'll want to know what it feels like to win a playoff game.

Watching the Jets lose was rewarding, particularly because their idiotic roughing-the-punter penalty contributed to the outcome. While everyone was raving about what a remarkable quarterback Sanchez had become they forgot that his crunch-time three-and-out two weeks earlier was saved by a similarly idiotic roughing-the-punter by the Colts. Sanchez is pretty good and maybe even plain good—he played well against the Pats, aside from some early accuracy problems—and stability at that position will keep the Pats–Jets rivalry going for years.

I rooted for the Packers in the NFC game because they've had some bad luck this year and because Cutler and the Bears are exceptionally overrated. I hope they destroy the Steelers—no more picking the lesser of two AFC evils. Each yellow-thighed team is capable of playing poorly but this should be an exciting, high-scoring affair featuring two aggressive defenses, one athletic quarterback and one athletic sex-offending quarterback. Just remember that I know nothing about football.

Up next: One more Patriots post and then I'll start working on a year-in-music list. Beer and football will return next season. Cheers!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I hope Jess still has a job

Courtesy of our CBS affiliate's local-news feed. I don't know if "Jess Will Type Headlines Here" is actually the subject of the story because it links to a dead page, but I'm guessing Jess is shirking her duties and goofing off on Facebook.

Also, Lynn is the next town over from me. Encouraging.

This is indeed a stall tactic to keep from having to write about beer and catastrophe.